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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Online dating safely

23 replies

cloudbusting42 · 24/01/2019 22:12

I've just stuck my toe into the murky waters of OLD and had a really lovely first date a few days ago. A day date, so very chaste, but we've been messaging since and are both clearly interested in something more evening-based Grin

We've got a 2nd date planned and if it goes well and we want a bit of private time, how can I make sure I'm safe? Coming back to mine feels safer than his, but that might be a naive assumption. My google detective work has failed as I don't have a surname. I'll probably ask him for it so I can check he is who he says he is and doesn't have any obvious convictions. Reckon I'll just be straight and frame it in honest but non-suspicious terms! My hunch is that he's a good guy, but I can't risk safety on intuition. Having zero mutual friends makes this a whole new kettle of fish.

I'll tell friends where I'm going and will check in with a mate during the date. But still this doesn't prevent any risk once the doors are closed. I could wait, I guess, but tbh that's unlikely to happen. Any tips?

OP posts:
OnlyFoolsnMothers · 24/01/2019 22:16

If you’re that paranoid then I would suggest not progressing things on the second date, get to know them better first

Opentooffers · 24/01/2019 22:38

You do realize going to his or yours is giving the green light to progress things - lots.? If he's pushing for this to happen on a 2nd date, you might still never see him again.
OLD where people consider having sex with people without even knowing their last name! Never a good idea to get to it on a 2nd date and is probably the antithesis of staying safe tactics. Not that I'm judging, been there - except he didn't see me for dust after, as it put me right off him, I may have given it more of a chance if he hadn't been so keen. These days, I prefer to take the time to get to know someone.

Sallygoroundthemoon · 25/01/2019 06:50

I've been to someone's house on a we do d date and my current partner came to mine. But I had always known their surname first, was able to check them out online and also sent their details to a friend. I would tell my date is done this too!

Sallygoroundthemoon · 25/01/2019 06:51

Second date! Not sure what happened there...

Whothere · 25/01/2019 06:54

Do people really tell friends where they are and check in during a date?

I would personally meet them one more time on a going out date.

LatentPhase · 25/01/2019 06:58

Yeah to me the first meet is ‘date zero’

Once you’ve met in person and decide to give it a go it’s ‘date one’.

Take some time, find out a bit more. No point planning on sleeping with him if you are stressing about your safety!

And yes I always told friends I was going out/where I was going and checked in etc.

Usernamealreadyexists · 25/01/2019 07:26

Very interesting thread. I like to google dates and am seeing someone (4 short dates in week) and I don’t know his surname. Should I just ask him?

Notcoolmum · 25/01/2019 07:31

I think you trust your instincts. Are you happy with him knowing where you live?

I’ve had 3 dates that have led to a ‘sleepover’ from old. One it turned out we had friends in common so I felt safe. One I went to his for the second date. I saw his second name on his Visa card on the first date and googled him. And one where we booked a hotel for our 3rd date.

I think I’d prefer to be at theirs so I could be the one to leave. But in the past I have had dates to mine.

Trust your instincts and do let someone know where you are.

lstef · 25/01/2019 08:22

Id say , safety wise, get to know him better first before going to his or having him round yours. I have often been on 5 or 6 dates before going to each others houses (and sometimes stopped seeing them before), and ive also gone to someones house on a first date. if youre nervous, play it safe and dont tell them where you live so soon! you have no idea who this person is and he could end up stalking or worse..

Musti · 25/01/2019 08:23

I knew the surnames of all the guys I went on a date with and with the guy I'm seeing became a Facebook friend before meeting. We slept together in our first date and still going strong months later.

Some other guys I chatted to I was easily able to find them by knowing the job or company they worked for- if you know their first name, their job and their location they are usually easy to find, especially with linked in, company websites etc.

Sunshineandflipflops · 25/01/2019 08:28

I've always told my friend where I was going and who with (as much as I can) on a first date and on my first first date she rang me during it to check I was ok and in case I needed a 'get out'! Turned out all have been fine but I also wouldn't have gone to someone's house/had someone to mine after only one date.

I have also found that once you start going to each other's houses the proper dates fall by the way side and I think you need dates to start with...otherwise it's not really dating is it?!

Pinkmonkeybird · 25/01/2019 08:44

I wouldn't invite him to your house. Keep it to public until you know his surname and a bit more about him.

Whothere · 25/01/2019 08:55

I went out with a nice guy about five times and and then we went out in my local area for a drink. He drank so much he was slurring and it put me off. He was in no fit state to drive home so he slept on the settee (no shag thank god) and the next morning I needed him out to collect my children but he couldn’t wake up. I made him a coffee and eventually kicked him out and never saw him again! He called me everything via Facebook because I didn’t want another date.

Anyway moral of the story is you never can tell. Have a plan b just in case eg meet him for a drink before going back to yours if you really can’t wait.

kidyoullmovemountains · 26/01/2019 07:08

Hi, I don't usually post but just came on to say I know 2 people who have been raped in their own home after a couple of dates through OLD and feeling like they trusted the guy. I absolutely don't want to scare people but I think in your position I'd rather be aware of the risks. Please wait longer, as a decent guy will hang around...

Chocolatecoffeeaddict · 26/01/2019 07:16

I'd be wary of having them back if you're worried. Remember, it's easier for you to leave their' s than for you to get them to leave your home. I've had men round to mine when I was dating but only when comfortable.

GloomyMonday · 26/01/2019 07:29

"I think you trust your instincts."

Don't do that. I've just started watching The Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix!

No need for paranoia but seems sensible to know his name and to have checked him out a little online, to tell a friend who you're meeting and where. In your position i'd wait a bit before giving him the green light tbh op.

yetanotheropinion · 26/01/2019 11:07

My friend was murdered by someone on a first date. Met via OLD, talked for two weeks, met & had sex & killed that night. Be very careful indeed. Get their surname before you sleep with them, let a friend know who they are. And after what happened with my friend I'd suggest slowing the whole process down. Know them before you allow yourself to be alone with them, never mind sleep with them.

Notcoolmum · 31/01/2019 08:03

yetanotheropinion I’m so sorry to hear about your friend. That is truly awful :(

Fairylea · 31/01/2019 08:06

I met dh on plenty of fish. We met for a coffee in costa initially and then went on further dates for a few weeks. I had a Young dd (6 at the time) and wanted to take things slowly, we were both happy with that and we didn’t even kiss until about date 6! I know to many people that seems mad. Personally I wouldn’t be bringing someone back or going to theirs on a second date from online dating, you don’t hardly know them.

Asta19 · 31/01/2019 10:23

Hi, I don't usually post but just came on to say I know 2 people who have been raped in their own home after a couple of dates through OLD and feeling like they trusted the guy

Yep, this happened to me and, although I reported it, it didn't progress to Court because there wasn't enough "evidence" for the CPS. I don't want to scare you unnecessarily. I've been on many internet dates over the years and got very unlucky just once. But that once nearly destroyed me. Don't have him at your house, or go to his, until you know a lot more about him. And be careful with alcohol on your evening date. A lot of guys will try and get a few drinks down you, in the hopes of sleeping with you. Then afterwards they decide they don't want a relationship after all and try and relegate you to a booty call! There's a lot of sweet talking sharks on OLD.

WWlOOlWW · 31/01/2019 10:50

You can do a bit of snooping about without a surname.

Put his/her phone number into face book or Google it. Run thier pictures through Google pictures..

Ask them ?

coldlocation · 01/02/2019 20:38

I have always sent a couple of girlfriends his profile pic, phone no. And any other details (place of work for example) I've sussed /know and ask them to text me a couple of times to check in on me.

Polarbearflavour · 01/02/2019 22:41

Knowing their surname / job isn’t a guarantee either. 90% of murder victims know their attacker. Most murders are carried out by ex partners or spouses.

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