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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Should I spill or keep it shut!?!?

8 replies

Cassie2012 · 24/01/2019 22:05

Hi everyone....
I am in desperate need for advice
Me and my full sister have just found out today that our father (a serial cheat and liar) has had another baby with a different woman! And she is expecting another one on the way.

Let me start from the beginning...
My mum raised us alone, as my dad was a serial cheat, never aggressive, but a consistent liar
She left him and made herself a single parent because she would not put up with his ways....thank god! (Thank you momma!)

He is a mechanic by trade and has always had his own business however he never gave my mum a penny in child support

Just to give you a picture my dad is a black jamaican (I say this because as sorry as it is, men from certain places where the culture is very different usually have many mistresses) this is also something my dads mum told my mother when she was pregnant with me!

Fast forward, when my mum became unwell and had to be hospitalised for a year, social services rang him and he said “I have my own life to lead” in regards to raising us, so we went into foster care

He picked us up “when he felt like it” and gave money for us “when he had it” that’s the kind of man he has always been. He would take us out for an hour then drop us back home...

On one rare occasion he picked me up, he took me on one of his dates! The only woman I ever knew my dad to be with was his wife gill. I was too young to understand what was going on and I remember him saying to me “right she doesn’t know how old I am, so say your 7! I was 9. -_- so this random woman who was not his wife was talking to me like I was two years younger than I actually was for the whole time I was supposed to be spending time with my dad.

His wife gill was always so lovely to us when we saw her, she would play with us and she was softly spoken comes from a lovely family and was just an all round wonderful woman. However a couple of years later my dad picked me up again (my sister is older and realised before me what he was like and refused to come with us) I got in the car and there was a baby in the front seat. He said “oh this is your sister!” Again I was too young to realised what was going on and was very shy and quiet.

Fast forward to my 18th birthday and he showed up with a wedding ring on! He had married gill, my lovely stepmother, and not invited either of his children ( my sister and I)

I never saw my half sister again after that day I got in the car.

We have now found out he has been cheating on his wife since May 2014!

We have social media evidence of him with his latest woman holding an 18 month old and she is expecting another as we speak.

I am now 27 and a social worker, I need to know should I speak up for the first time and try to contact his wife to tell her he is yet again leading a double life? And also the woman in question who he has two very young children to, should I tell her the truth? That he has been married to his wife for 20 years?

I do not have any type of relationship with my dad as I refused to be let down and disappointed by him a long time ago, but I don’t like the feeling of knowing I know something huge that neither two women deserve

Please any advice would be appreciated

OP posts:
Monday2018 · 24/01/2019 22:44

If you feel that your relationship with your stepmother is strong enough to support her and will not be damaged by telling her the truth, then I would do exactly that! I would hate the thought of someone knowing my husband was cheating on me and not saying anything. However, I would also take along the evidence that you have, as when you tell her, the shock may be all too much for her to take it in without seeing the evidence. Good Luck

Katgurl · 24/01/2019 23:05

Yes I would tell her.

And I am very sorry this pathetic loser was the one you got dealt as a father.

Cassie2012 · 24/01/2019 23:37

Thankyou Monday2018, I remember her being nothing but loving and wonderful to two children who were not biologically hers but treating them so anyway, we have lost touch as I have wanted nothing to do with my father for obvious reasons over the years...and the lies he has probably told her about myself and my sister have most likely skewed her view, which is really upsetting to me.

I’m just sorry she fell inlove with such an awful human being but it is like you said it would be an awful feeling knowing my partner had a secret life for a quarter of the time we had spent together

Thanks so much for your reply x

OP posts:
Cassie2012 · 24/01/2019 23:39

Thanks for your reply too Katgurl, I’m sorry too. You cannot choose your parents eh! But I’m lucky to have had a great mum growing up, despite her own demons she has always been there and I’m sure will continue to be, when I told her this evening her reply was “I am not shocked, he has led numerous life’s for years I just feel sorry for gill” even my mum got on with his wife in the early years when we were still children as she could remember how warm and lovely she was xx

OP posts:
Monty27 · 24/01/2019 23:44

Are you sure she doesn't already know, has he left Gill?

Cassie2012 · 24/01/2019 23:52

No, I have messaged my cousin (his sisters daughter) but saying that he is very close with his sister and her children and has helped raise them

I asked if he was still with gill, and she replied “as far as I know yeah”

See now that has me thinking I wonder whether gill DOES know and she’s turning a blind eye? But you should see these pictures @monty27
There’s numerous log cabin with hot tub weekends away, trips abroad, news years day outings, (no Christmas though) and I just think if she does know she’s one hell of a woman, but if she doesn’t how is he lying about all this time away from his wife of twenty years!?

OP posts:
Productrecall · 25/01/2019 05:49

Easily done - he 'works away', or something similar. No-one deserves to be stuck with a cheating bastard, it will also be easier coming from someone who she knows is on her side, so to speak.

toffeeapple123 · 26/01/2019 18:11

I just wanted to say I am sorry you ended up with him as a 'father' and very well done for walking away from this waste of space Flowers

I would be very surprised if you're stepmother didn't know or had an idea. If you feel your relationship with her is strong enough, I would tell her. If you do decide to, I hope she believes you and it doesn't lead to a difficult situation for you.

Best wishes to you Flowers

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