How much compromise is realistic in a relationship?

[SomewhereNow]

After a 20 year marriage and a disastrous year OLD I’ve been seeing a really lovely guy for the past few months. We hit it off straight away and have loads in common, we can spend whole nights just talking but equally have great times doing things we both enjoy. He’s kind, funny, generous, caring and I’m massively attracted to him.

However there are a few things I’m unsure about - some of his opinions and the way he chooses to live his life are not ideal, I’d rather not go into detail but I’m trying to work out whether this is an issue or not - I realise meeting someone at my age (mid 40s) they’re always likely to have some baggage but how much is too much? I love him but part of me feels I’m not being entirely true to myself.

A combination of feeling like I settled for second best in my marriage and being screwed over numerous times when I was dating means my perspective is a bit messed up - I honestly don’t know if I’m overthinking it and should accept nobody’s perfect including me or if I’m just so glad to have found someone decent who loves me back that I’m accepting things I perhaps shouldn’t.

Should I accept the bad with the (many) good bits or hold out for someone ‘better’?

Sorry OP - need more info .....is the bad bits toenail clippings in the bed or racism or worse?

I agree, we need more info. However, i always advise people to listen to their gut. Something is making you question things and you need to figure out what and why. It's easy to gloss over things because we feel "grateful" and relieved that someone loves us again and we are no longer alone. I've discovered it's far better to be alone than compromise my values, my likes, my dislikes, my happiness for a man who is great in lots of ways but lacks that certain something that makes him right for you. Never settle. Never be grateful. Set your bar high and don't lower it just so that you're not alone.

Op, If you're not being true to yourself it needs to end ASAP.

It depends! My DH and I have very different political opinions and completely different religious beliefs but we have respect for each other’s views and love each other very much. But there are some things I couldn’t stomach a different opinion on - racism, sexism, abortion, homophobia etc.

the way he chooses to live his life are not ideal

Is this smokes crack, poorly manages his type 2 diabetes, is a member of BNP type stuff
Or are we talking stacks the dishwasher from the front, has a shirt you don’t really like, watches Netflix while eat crab sticks in his underpants type stuff

And to answer I have only been with my DP 2 years and feel there is virtually no compromise at all bar one specific thing (to do with one of his friends)

No nothing illegal but he’s s LOT more laid back about getting things done than I am and our opinions are pretty different on a few things. But he’s also incredibly thoughtful and loving, it’s hard to know where you draw the line.

Well it depends how laid back.
I couldn't live with someone who was too laid back.
Someone who is messy or has bad personal hygiene is a no no for me.
I like a 'do-er'. Someone who likes to get on with things. Makes plans. Has his own hobbies.

Maybe I expect too much which is why I'm single!
I've had to end 2 previous short term relationships because they smoked way too much (and I'm a smoker!).
I couldn't deal with someone who was shite with money either.
So it really depends on what you mean by laid back.

Toenails it is then . Or leaving not quite empty coffee cups about the house. That's fixable.

However, if he's happy to work just enough to get by, or dresses for comfort rather than style, or pays less than £10 for a haircut...are you the driven one? Do you expect him to be driven as well? I've seen what happens when one person want to die rich, and the other just wants a coin on each eye. Not Good.