his behaviour has really upset me

[inadilemma101]

My DP and I have had a very explosive relationship in terms of when we are upset about something we have a tendency to go straight to shouting / being angry. Over time I realised this was mainly me and have learned it is not conducive to a relationship and only prohibits good conversation.

Anyway, ages ago I had real anxiety over who he followed on instagram, a lot of people didn't add up, felt a bit odd. Anyway, we decided we wouldn't have certain people on there (like exes) and he always maintained he didn't care who I followed.

It's also worth noting there's no issue with famous/celebrity type followings.

Anyway, I work in client teams, every few weeks new location new team. I am currently working with a few people in a small room for 12 hours a day.

One of the men is married to another woman in our company and after we've been talking we discussed instagram and holidays. He looked at my instagram to see my holidays and I went on his but it's private so I followed. Not that it matters, he is happily married, not attractive and this was all innocent.

My DP is obviously stalking my following list which is weird and screenshot that i'm following this guy and swore at me over the phone calling me a hypocrite.

Whilst I probably wouldn't have liked it if it were the other way round, it would have been weird for me not to just follow back and keep quiet. He says he's angry because I'm a hypocrite and he's done. "done with you". Just such childish behaviour.

I know this whole thing is petty. It annoys me more because he will say he's only doing it because I started this yet I never check his instagram following or followers because I don't really care or remember the people to notice a change.

He isn't controlling in any other ways.

I guess why this has upset me so much is because last weekend we discussed marriage and we picked a ring. I've been so excited and I've really been changing my view from 'myself' to 'us' as we head into a joint partnership. Obviously, I am the only one who has done this.

Any advice?
LTB isn't really going to be helpful even if you think I should.

Time for a serious discussion.

Trust is the heart of a relationship. His behaviour would indicate that either:

He doesn’t trust you

Or

He’s point scoring.

Neither of which make for a good long term bet.

I’m not going to tell you to LTB. I am going to tell you to seriously consider what being tied to someone for life actually means.

Why isn't leaving helpful here; are you really not worth more than this pitiful example of a relationship you write of?.

Are you infact addicted to the highs and lows, is this what relationships to you are all about?. What did you learn about relationships when you were growing up, did you see your parents getting angry daily at each other too?.

Do you really want to marry him at all given how he is and has acted towards you?. Is what you describe here any sort of a basis to marry him?. What would your own counsel be to someone else here?.

Not a LTB because I think you are both in the same boat. You either stay in that boat and continue the way you are and you constantly monitor each other and snipe and ultimately make each other miserable or you move on.

Eh this is tricky because I really feel like you brought this on yourself by dictating what he can/can't do with his? I mean, the way he spoke to you is not acceptable at all but truly if the shoe was on the other foot, you'd be fuming as you said already.

When someone tells you who they are it will do you good to listen and take heed.

Crikey. I seriously can’t imagine having these kinds of conversations with my DH. Healthy adult relationships need to be based on trust - stalking each other’s IG followers is so weird. I wouldn’t be considering marriage if I were you.

Been here. Your "real anxiety" a.k.a trust issues, of his Instagram has rubbed off on him, you had what you wanted with him not following people, now the shoe is on the other foot and he's anxious and it's hypocritical and you're dismissing it as controlling.
Surely either of you should be able to just follow whoever, maybe not exes obviously, but everyone else and stop being petty and jealous. I've been in this relationship, he was jealous and because I loved him I essentially cut myself off in so many ways, sounds like he did that for you to make you feel better. But it has to go both ways. Either way it isn't healthy. Unfortunately lack of trust breeds lack of trust, sounds like you need to have a long, honest talk. Maybe counselling would help.

This is ridiculous and immature, you should mutually break up as you bring out the worst in each other

I don't really understand your argument, you start off by saying you were the one with the problem of who he followed on Instagram and had real anxiety about it then now he's turned it on you you're saying you never had a problem? You clearly did. He's just sticking it to you because you've told him who he can and cannot follow so he's doing the same back.

Whatever he agreed to in the past was only to appease you he's clearly not happy about it. Which is fair.

Sorry, perhaps I need to be clear. The anxiety with instagram was years ago at the beginning. After realising how ridiculous it was, I completely dropped it. Never thought about it again. But since he's doing this.

Quite honestly, I don't think he's stopping himself from following anyone. I have no issues with his work colleagues and wouldn't say anything - I just don't think they use it. He has everyone else male/female he wants on there except people he's slept with.

I think my main issue was - yes, I can see how I'd feel a bit miffed but I would have preferred the conversation to go:
'who is this new guy youre following? bit hypocritical'
i'd then apologise as with hindsight can see how that might be, explain, end of.
NO swearing, no anger.

You both need to grow up.

Whilst I probably wouldn't have liked it if it were the other way round

Why is it ok for you to feel you can control him, but not the other way around?! You need to trust each other, or what is the point of being together? You shouldn't need to impose rules on each other about social media.

Ok I won't say leave but I would suggest that you both need to re-examine the dynamic of this relationship before you get married because right now it's not healthy.

The inability to discuss issues calmly is a big problem, as is your insistence on applying "rules" then disliking when he follows them because you feel it's not relevant to you.

That's unbalanced and unfair and I'm not surprised he feels it's hypocritical.

I'd suggest you both take a step back and look at getting some relationship counselling for you to look at your communication and overall compatibility.

Sweet jesus, don't whatever you do get married.

Delete Instagram , it’s ridiculous two adults arguing over who follows who. The main issue is trust, you didn’t trust him and now he doesn’t trust you.

I think once the ‘don’t trust’ seed has been sown it’s very difficult to get rid of it, no matter how long ago it started.

Can't say I particularly blame him if you were the one who would start the shouting, 'stalked' his IG follow list and complained that 'they didn't add up', deciding he wouldn't follow anybody he'd had a relationship with - and now is following somebody from work whose account is private.

You do sound like a hypocrite, not just for that but because you have a problem with him being angry - when you've already said that you were the first to start shouting - and he's just started to think about marrying you, only to find that a week later, you've done things that, had he done them, you would have gone ballistic over.

He's only done similar to what you did to him.

Maybe you'll get the chance to apologise, but maybe LTB is something that he's thinking now.

Just to play devil's advocate here - do you think your initial unhappiness with him following certain people on Instagram is what this is all about? You say "we" decided not to follow certain people, but did he feel that this was a decision imposed on him that he agreed to just to keep the peace?

If this might have been the case, I can understand to some extent why he has been secretly stalking your list (bit childish maybe, but maybe he really resented that decision) and has been upset at you adding some random bloke.

However, in the grand scheme of things it sounds a bit of a storm in a tea-cup and maybe you just need to decide what it is about Instagram that you found so upsetting in the first place and take it from there?

I do see your points entirely. I also do see how it could seem hypocritical. But let me just say, I wouldn't even think to comment on his following on insta because I don't look really.

The shouting thing, definitely a habit picked up from my dad. Because I did it, he straight away did it too. However, I've discussed so many times how we need to stop going to boiling hot straight away and I honestly can say I haven't at all since that talk.

Also for me it's not to do with trust, because neither of us have an issue with who we spend time with IRL which is how an affair would start.

The reason I got funny about instagram at the beginning was because a random girl he didn't know messaged him and he responded. Whilst it was all innocent, i thought that was weird and couldn't at all think what his intentions with that would be.

Also for me it's not to do with trust, because neither of us have an issue with who we spend time with IRL which is how an affair would start.

^ Not necessarily.

If it’s not to do with trust , what do you think it’s about ?

This doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship.

Also for me it's not to do with trust, because neither of us have an issue with who we spend time with IRL which is how an affair would start

Well what is it to do with then? If you trust your partner, why would it matter who they follow online?

because neither of us have an issue with who we spend time with IRL which is how an affair would start
Haha! You seriously that's the only way an affair could start?!!!!

Affairs start with conversation......which can take place over different mediums.
You can chat to people via social media or internet forums without ever meeting them and still be able to build up an intense connection - emotional affairs they call them.

If you both think like this, then in his head - you know this guy in real life and spend time with him - and now decided to follow him on IG......

I think you should go to relationship counselling. Don't get married while you have these communication problems,shouting and tit-for-tat crap going on.

You're willing to carry on a relationship that is clearly saturated with drama, pettiness and mistrust for the sake of being part of a couple?

Having counselling isn't going to change a relationship that is inherently immature and unreasonable.

It is what it is......you either have to accept that or end it.