Husband wants to leave.

[lee1989]

Hi guys. Not sure where to start been with my husband for 10 years now and we have a beautiful 4 year old. About 2 years ago he cheated on me with someone he works with (he works away). We got through that and I found him on internet chat rooms forgave him. Then found he was messaging woman forgave him
Again. Then last year he decided he wanted to leave me. Kept me in limbo for ages as he could t make his mind up if that was the right decisions. He decided to try again and I once again forgave him. He came to me yesterday. (I felt like I knew what was coming) and told me he wants to leave and he loves me but we want different things he says there's no one else and I believe him. He wants to stick around in the house as he's working away again in the summer said he wants to support me etc... I just feel devastated I have followed him around the world supporting him I gave up my career I worked hard for everything. I feel totally used I don't know what to do what to think anything. I'm still wanting to fix it and make it work as I don't know what to do without him. There's is so much more to this story but I'm pretty sure I could write a book with it all. advice or similar stories might help. Just feeling so alone. No one knows anything I don't even know where to begin. Thanks

I am sorry for the pain he has caused. It will be difficult but I think you have to accept his decision. Start thinking about you and what you want now. However having him back should not be an option. So don’t go for half way houses

I'm so sorry, OP.

The way he's treated you is appalling and although it hurts massively, I think you'd be better off without him in the long term. He's messed you about and now "He wants to stick around in the house as he's working away again in the summer said he wants to support me etc." because it suits him right now.

I wouldn't assume that he's going to support you in any way going forward, he's doing what suits him. I'd start thinking about what works best for you long-term and quietly gather all financial/legal documents before he starts moving money around. Get legal advice ASAP.

Sorry to sound ruthless, but he's a really selfish person.

So sorry he has treated you like this. But why are you still letting him dictate what happens next? He has decided he wants out; therefore he needs to leave. As soon as possible. He doesn't get to call all the shot any more.

I'm still wanting to fix it and make it work as I don't know what to do without him. Please see that you will be much better off without him.
You can't trust him. He does purely what's best for him.

Where do you want to live? Do you want to return to your family and friends? You get to make some decisions too.

As said above, he's not staying in the house to support you - he's staying because it makes life easier for him. Get all paperwork together and get some legal advice ASAP.

What is your financial situation? If you have a joint account, could you move some into a personal account to ensure he doesn't leave you high and dry if things get shitty?

You need to take back some control - it will help you feel less anxious.

Thanks guys. My family lives close and I'm close to
His family as well. I'm too ashamed to tell anyone. If I don't talk about it then it hasn't really happened. And As soon as people know, it will be calls of support etc... which I fully appreciate but right now I just want to be left alone.
I don't want him to leave the house as pathetic as it sounds i feel if he stays around he will realise and come back to me. I have so many things going through my head memories etc... it's like a never ending movie. We've been together since we were young and have been/done so much. I cannot bare life without him. I used to be so independent and now I'm faced with this independence I don't know what to do.
Thoughts of him leaving us behind and moving on and I know this sounds selfish and ridiculous but being with someone else possibly having a family with someone else tears me up inside. We're all a very close family we have the same friends etc.... I understand finances are important etc... I just don't know what to do right now.

Thoughts of him leaving us behind and moving on and I know this sounds selfish and ridiculous but being with someone else possibly having a family with someone else tears me up inside.

Don't even worry about that right now.

You need to reclaim YOU first and foremost. It's sounds as if he's worn you right down. He keeps cheating on you; and as long as you keep taking him back and forgiving him, he will continue to do so.

Why not? He can do what he wants and there are no repercussions.

Your family will be horrified that you are going through this without any support. I urge you to reach out to them and 'make it real' to stop this wanker walking all over you.

Do you want your 4-year old growing up thinking that this is an acceptable way to treat women?

You are stronger than you think you are.

PS: You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

This is awful but agree you must accept his decision and not think of a reconciliation. I think he is wanting the easy option by wanting to stay in house he should leave really. It may make it harder for you. Great advice above re not taking for granted he will do the right thing financially etc so get some legal advice to protect yourself. He will just be thinking of himself and you need to do same. You will get over it but i know its hard to see. Your future has been ripped away and you dont know what it holds now. Its really hard as i know but concentrate on taking each day and dealing with the issues for the day otherwise overwhelming. Let family/friends know when you’re ready as you need to process it first. Let them help you. Dont torture yourself thinking of good times. Be kind to yourself.
My exh had an affair and dropped me like a hot potato after 14 yrs marriage was going to help me move (we were in process of moving anyway) didnt and let me collect my stuff he thoughtfully put in binbag. OW watched then moved into our old rental flat 6 weeks later. Didnt last of course. Thought id never get over it. But many years later im much happier now with a new DP and DS.

Thanks for all your comments and support it's comforting being able to talk to someone neutral. There are times when I think I've got this and no one should treat someone how I'm being treated and I feel
Strong. Then in the next second I'm a mess unable
To cope not knowing what to do. I don't know what to say to our 4 year old how to explain its heart breaking. I googled a list of all the things that need to be discussed I felt I needed an order of something to help me gather my thoughts and feelings. I explained about what happens regarding house money etc.... visiting citizens advice. And said we needed to talk. He said he's not ready to talk as he's not sure it's what he truly wants.... how messed up is that?...