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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Walking away - think I’m doing the right thing

12 replies

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 13:19

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 8 months and it’s been turbulent. I think he can be selfish and quite thoughtless at times, refusing to do things that inconvenience him. I’ve spoken to him about this several times and we’ve broken up about it but always got back together. Last week he said he wanted to be a better man but internally I doubted that was true. However I think I am done now.

The final straw was this week. I have unexpectedly had to leave the place I’m staying with as my landlord has suddenly increased the rent with no warning. I’m the only person who can’t aggord to pay for it and my flat mates are angry that I am leaving and they will now be liable for it if they cannot Indra new person in time. They’ve made my life pretty miserable for the last ten days. My boyfriend knows all of this, knows I feel uncomfortable about staying there alone with them and that I have to now effectively pack and move in a few days.

He told me I was welcome to “hide out” at his. But I explained that I do like my room, am still paying for it for now and would like to be at home. Yesterday I asked if he would come round so I wasn’t alone. He said no, when I asked again and said I’d really like that he said maybe. In the afternoon I had some horrible messages from one of my flat mates and I told him and asked him again and he said yes he would come. When I said what time, he said around 10 after going for dinner with his friends. He then did say he would cancel that if I wanted.

But by this point I felt really let down and felt it was blatantly obvious that I was upset and that coming at 10 was not a great option and so I told him not to bother. I then called him and ended it on the phone. This was about 8 and he said he was having his pizza but would come after. He turned up at about 1030 and I was very upset. He told me not to be unreasonable and that it was my fault for not telling him to cancel his dinner when he offered. He said it wasn’t a big deal, I should move on from it and that I was just upset over moving. I also pointed out he’d taken a long time to eat his pizza and come round and he said his friend at dinner was in tears about something and he didn’t want to leave her and when I pointed out I was upset he said he’d know her for 20 Years.

Just to give context to this, I had a very turbulent childhood and was homeless periodically growing up and having to move like this from somewhere where I was happy has really thrown and upset me. He knows all about this and frequently tells me not to worry and that he will look after me but I feel like it’s all words and I cannot rely on him. In addition yesterday was my dad’s birthday and he passed away ten years ago. I told him this in the morning but he’d forgotten and never brought it up again.

I’ve ended it now. But I suppose I wanted to know whether I was being unreasonable over what happened yesterday. I don’t feel I am.

OP posts:
Musti · 24/01/2019 13:49

I'm sorry for all that you're going through. However it would have made more sense for you to go to his. I don't think he did wrong there at all and you're being quite demanding. I don't understand why you'd rather stay somewhere you're being made unwelcome in when you've got an alternative in his house? He also did come to see you but had already arranged something else first. It's not unreasonable for him to think you can't be in that bad a way when you'd rather stay there than go to his.

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 16:53

I see your point but I explained that I really wanted to spend my last week in my own home which I’m still paying for and which has all my stuff not hide away somewhere. I just wanted someone with me for the evening for some moral support.

OP posts:
Musti · 24/01/2019 19:45

So you're desire to spend time in your home that everyone is being horrible to you about trumps his desire to be in his own home? Plus he did come to your house. I think you have some issues and you're being very unreasonable towards your bf

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 20:29

Bump

OP posts:
superstore · 24/01/2019 20:47

Sorry OP but I feel (from what you have written) that yes you are being unreasonable. As PP have said you have a safe place to stay with your BF and that was offered to you but you said no. BF also offered to cancel his pizza plans, again you said no. You wanted him to come to your place... and he did. It seems you have issues that stem from your past and unfortunately you are taking them out on your BF. That's probably not what you wanted to hear but you asked and I have given my honest opinion.

pinkdelight · 24/01/2019 20:50

Sorry but I agree with the others. He said you could go to his, but you'd rather stay in a place where you're feeling awful, so you want him to come to yours. He has prior plans but offers to come after and then offers to cancel, but you don't take him up on that. But you're still upset with him and blaming him, so you get in a huff and phone him during his outing to bin him! In the middle of his dinner while his old friend is crying. And he's still calm and comes around and wants you both to move on from it. But you've ended it and all this is somehow his fault.

You obviously have a lot going on inside, but from the outside, you're the one making it into way more of a drama than it needs to be - staying in your room on principle but expecting him to drop everything to be your moral support and then unleashing all this upset when he doesn't do exactly as you want when you want it. He was absolutely right to say forget it and move on. That said, I think you are doing the right thing walking away as you need to work on getting yourself on an even keel.

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 21:15

Ok fair enough. Maybe I have been unreasonable. I think what a PP said is true though and it’s good to walk away. I do feel very upset and I think the time to get myself back on track will be good.

OP posts:
whiteworld · 24/01/2019 21:18

I agree with the others. Also, if you’ve only been together 8 months but have already split up and got back together, I’d say you’re not compatible.

superstore · 24/01/2019 21:32

I hope you are ok OP. I'm sorry if my reply and was a bit blunt. You are allowed to feel upset, you have a lot going on in your life by the sounds of it. Have you got any close friends you can speak to in RL? Chatting with them may take the pressure off of the situation with your BF. I wouldn't like to be at 'home' surrounded by people who didn't like me. It must feel awful. Focus on the positives. Like always, this will soon pass and things will get better Smile

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 21:51

Thank you. That’s really kind of you to say. Yes I am lucky. I do have very close and good friends. They’ve offered to come and help me pack and even to stay round if I want to be at home and feel uncomfortable. I think that’s what made me feel so distressed about my bf because he didn’t offer any of those things ( I suppose things that I actually wanted) and when I asked I got ambivalent answers until the third time. But I do accept I was unreasonable. I think it will be good to walk away as I think I’m not in the right space for this and I feel it’s already been too difficult. Thank you though for your concern. I really appreciate it.

OP posts:
DianaT1969 · 24/01/2019 22:00

Were the reasons you split up before similar to this? Is he generally a good person and you get on with him? If so, you might want to text him that you are sorry you took some of your frustration out on him, you want space to work on your issues and you wish him the best. That way, if you decide further down the line that he was a keeper, the door may still be open.

Glum2076 · 24/01/2019 22:33

They were similar. But in all honesty he has been very selfish at times and so I think it is probably best I walk away now.

OP posts:
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