Opinions on this situation with Ex.

[pudding21]

Together 21 years, not married. Separated 2 years ago due to worsening emotional abuse. Moved overseas 7 years ago and built a house, all profit no mortgage. I worked for the last 8 years, he has done a few odd jobs here and there, but that is it. I left our home because I knew he wouldn't leave and I could not be under the same roof as him for a minute longer. Two kids age 10 and 7. We share care 60:40 (more with me).

The house is up for sale and has been for 1 year, some interest but no offers. When I left, to try and ease things (because he is a greedy tight arsed fucker) and because I was still being controlled I signed an agreement with a lawyer that I would pay 350 per month towards the bills of the house. He basically lives on nothing, he doens't heat the house, he hasn't paid for maintainence like he should , he doesn't pay for anything for the kids except food when they are with him and one activity (I pay for everything else). I have been told he has turned potentially well paid work down (because it would mean actual effort for him). The 350 per month more than covers all the bills (including insurance and taxes).

Since I moved I managed to get a mortgage as I was paying out 600 a month in rent and it was crippling me. So i am in my new (very happy) home and he is in our old house. I did the maths, I cant continue to keep paying him the 350 per month. I am getting into debt. I didnt think it would take so long for the house to sell, but I was desperate to get a stable base for the kids with me (the rental place was ok, but it wasnt our own). I have no savings and literally have nothing (or minus) at the end of the month. Once the house is sold, I will be fine financially, but at the moment its tough.

Before xmas we agreed that I would pay him half (so 175) , and pay him the rest when we sold the house in arrears. He agreed. Now he is saying that I had an agreement and should continue to pay the full amount even though he knows I am getting further into debt, not to mention the thousands I spent on rent etc. whilst he lived rent and bill free in our house.

I don't know how to respond or what peoples views are on what is fair. I dont really want to go down the legal route, but will if I have to.

Am I being unfair? If I was the other at home not working, would people expect the husband to do the same as I am doing?

Thanks in advance.

I'm confused why are you paying him (maintenance?) when you have the children 60% of the time and he is living (Mortgage/rent free?) in your joint house.

Whose name is the house in? Please tell me it is in your joint names or yours.

The agreement you signed probably has no grounds since you're having the children more....and he's failed to pay maintenance.

It's his look out if he's too lazy to work. See a lawyer immediately and cease all payments. He can pay his own bloody bills. That's what you're paying...HIS bills! It's not like the house is mortgaged and you're paying your half. This is a ridiculous arrangement.

I would consider looking to having him removed legally and renting it out...that will provide income for you both. He can then rent somewhere shit and you can have the children more anyway.

tinty the house is in both our names and legally we are both entitled to 50:50. I put more into the house, but I am ok with him to have 50% of the sale of the house.

I started paying him because at the time he wasnt working, was a SAHP as such and I thought it was the right thing to do.

I will consult legal advice, I was trying to keep things as civil as possible and when I signed the agreement I was in a total mess with the decision to leave and all the shit that followed. It felt like the right thing to do at the time.

Definitely get legal advice. It's time to stand on his own two feet and for you to stop financially supporting him if you have the children the majority of the time.

This agreement needs to change.
This is hugely unfair on your and great for him.
If you've signed something then you can't just stop paying but you need to get a new agreement in place.
HE should be paying YOU maintenance.
Where do you live OP?
I'm assuming it's not the UK.

fortunesfave I didnt mean maintainence as in money for the kids, I mean maintainence of our house which is on the market and he is living in (we live right on the coast, it needs annual maintainance and he hasnt done that since I left, eg. the solar panels etc).

All he pays for the kids is martial arts once a week and food/fuel when they are with him. Everything else, school, health, activities etc I pay for.

The reason i am asking, is because if the roles were flipped, would people agree the husband should continue to pay?

Hellsbells: I live in Portugal.

I would drop the £170 also and let him take you to court if he wants and see how far he gets in those circumstances. He literally has a free gaff.

Are you sure he is not trying to put off the sale of the property as he is having it way too handy with the house still in both your names.

He says he wants to sell the house, its a big place and he rattles around in it when the kids are with me. But I cannot be sure, because like you say he is getting an easy ride. We have some repair work that needs to be done (leaking roof), when that is done in the next month or so and the house is in a better state, we will drop the price and push for a sale.

The last two years he has continued to try manipulate me emotionally, I am in a new relationship now and its the only hold he still has over me. Thanks for the reassurance i am not being a cow, and my reasonings are right.

If he was a stay at home parent and the DC were pre school age and you only had them every other weekend, then I would agree you should pay him some maintenance (as a father would). But if they are school age and you are having them 60/40 then why should you pay maintenance. If he is not doing any of the maintenance for the house it just sounds like he is using the money you are paying him to live off of.

Are you sure he is paying the bills, electric, water, (council tax? if they have that in Portugal). Because he could be just living off of your money and you could find massive debts racked up in your joint names.

No he is paying because I have access to his bank account (was a joint one, then I set up a new one in my own name) but he hasnt changed the account to just his so I can see everything on internet banking and I can see he literally spends nothing expect maybe 100 euros a month on bills max.

I dont think he would do that, but before I cease all payments I should make sure his account is just in his name. I must sound so naiive.

I don't know whether you should cease paying or not, I think you should ask a solicitor, because if your name is on the bills, from when you lived together in the house, then you may be liable if he doesn't pay them.

Maybe if you can take your name off of any outgoings, electric, water etc, first, then you could cease paying him. But you need to make sure you are not on anything that could run up a debt, and also you are in a horrible situation that if he doesn't pay the bills, will you be forced to sell the house if he runs up big debts? And will they take the money to pay bills before you get your half of the equity?

Really he just needs to PAY his bills himself, but he sounds like a lazy slacker who has been happily living off you for the last few years.

You need to force the house sale and take your money and leave him to his own devices.

Just to update, I saw a lawyer today. He basically said I can stop paying anything other than maintainence on the house (repairs etc), and I do not have to pay anything else. He also said I can apply for HIM to pay me maintainance for the kids as they are more in my care and I pay for everything.

About the sale of the house he thinks I should push to drop the price to what I feel is acheivable and tell him if it isnt sold by December, I apply to the courts and we force a sale (via auction).

He wont want to do that so I have something to play with atleast. In fact he wont want lawyers invoilved at all as he is so tight.

I feel better knowing I am right in my thoughts, I will pay for this month (as it so happens I am going away for 10 days at the weekend so he will have the kids the whole time and I am not sure how he will react).Thanks for the replies, its funny I couldnt have done this 2 years ago, now I just dont care if it fucks him up and has to actually step up and go find full time work.

So glad you got some advice.
Yes, pay this month.
Then you can be a bit freer next month.
Well done - stay strong.

Thanks hellsbells I will always remember your advice when I was posting in a fog 2-3 years ago. You (and other posters) helped me enormously. Thank you.

Seek legal advice would be the best bet at the moment. I can’t for life of me see a judge being happy that you and your dc are made homeless because you are paying for a house you don’t live in.

Sorry just seen your update. Well done op

We've all been there OP. (maybe not quite as extreme as yours).
MN is a great support from women who have been there and got the t-shirt!
Good luck. You'll be just fine!