ok to tell dcs I don't want to hear about ex slagging me off?

[bananaramaspyjamas]

My exh is a nasty git and was EA in our relationship. He still sees dcs eow. Have been divorced for years.
Dcs are starting to see him for what he is. I try not to say much except if they notice some behaviour thats crap from him I will say yes thats not right, that's not your fault it's him or whatever.
But inside I have got the rage with him, how he used to treat me, how crap a dad he is, even how well off he is while we're struggling. I've had counselling and all that. But it's still hard. Everything in the day to day looking after teenage dcs is down to me and has been for over a decade.
I know he will never change and tbh now I'm counting down the days until I have virtually nothing to do with him when dcs leave.

I don't really want to hear about him and what he's said or what an arse he is because it winds me up. If dcs tell me something rude or unfair he's said about me, I find it very hard to let it go. Is it okay just to say to dcs I don't want to hear about him any more? The thing is they've only got me to talk to.Just wondered what other people would do in this situation?

If he was the kind of bloke who would respond to that by not doing it glittery then I would but there'd be a massive dramas over he didn't do anything at all wrong or even say it and then dcs would be pissed off with me for interfering. Or something like that. And it wouldnt change things. No sensible solutions would work, that's what I've learned over the years. As he's not a solution focussed type of a person iyswim.

I bit my tongue for years. I wanted to tell the DC what a wanker XH is, but he is still their dad. DD1 appears to still think the sun shines out of his arse, but she always was his favourite. DD2, last year, told him to fuck off to the far side of fuck and fuck off some more when he got there, as she was sick of him always making disparaging comments about me on the extremely rare occasions he spoke to her.

I think you have to keep biting your tongue and it really sucks. But at the end of the day, he is still their dad and they are entitled to have a relationship with them. Once they are a bit older, you can then say that you don't want to hear anything he has said.

I’m sorry but I don’t get this can’t bad mouth him etc - ops x is clearly badmouthing her and probably without justification. But we have to keep quiet and let our kids be subject to abuse - springydaff - you are right it is abuse but for some reason the courts see that kids have to have contact with a dad even if they are an emotionally abusive twunt!

When x refused to pay kids school fees Ds was suicidal - picked up by his school - googled how to kill yourself - his DF dismissed it as a schoolboy prank - as someone who was apparently suicidal himself you would have thought he would have more understanding - but no - and still wouldn’t pay Ds school fees. I couldn’t take the risk as someone who suffers with depression and has had suicidal thoughts I’m not going to risk Ds

I’ve paid for his school fees out of my housing allowance - I couldn’t afford to pay for Dd too but luckily she was ok with this a the time. But this week she didn’t do so well in one of her mocks and I’ve had the I would have done better had I stayed at my school - she is still friends with a lot of them and she told me how she felt one of her friends mums was looking down on her because she is no longer at ps. My Dd is bloody great - I don’t want her ever feeling like this

Not only this it causes issues with siblings as littlecandle is experiencing

I’m still angry bloody angry I can’t afford to keep the former family home going until kids finish a levels in the summer - x will not communicate on this with me - absolutely nothing! Ive now got proof he let the house go for a song! All out of spite - for a fucking business man and someone that was counting g all the pennies in the divorce - even tried to get the courts to take into account me selling off the kids old stuff on eBay - this is how i pay for Xmas and fucking birthdays!

As for the person that said surely their old enough to tell him to stop slagging off the mum - I’m trying to get my two to stand up to him, ask him questions that need answering but will they No - they are too scared and then yesterday it dawned on me again the hold he has over them - mobile phones - fucking mobile phones - he gets these through the company no cost to him - but to the kids - top of the range iPhones - kudos with peers - all self esteem and their whole life revolves around these phones - this is emotional and financial abuse - would the courts see this - highly unlucky they don’t have a clue!

As to the future if when my Dd looks to get married I hope she buggers off abroad - uni - well this is just like parents evening so doable - as to the rest who knows

Does this stuff ever go away - my cut off point is 18 certainly from a financial perspective - all support to me stops - how do I then support my kids - I don’t fucking know - because right now I don’t even know how I’m meant to support myself!

AT least my anger has returned the last 10 days or so I have been too numb to function - too numb to get out of bed - some hope dashed again - but then out of nowhere comes something else and it’s another piece of the jigsaw slotting into place - another bit of evidence to support what I was telling my solicitor at the time - who couldn’t give a fuck as long as she had a pool of money to pay her legal fees - never mind it was my home!

I’m sorry for the swearing ladies but I am angry all over again!

Sorry for keep posting on here my mood is not great and some on here get this. I don’t know about you @bananaramaspyjamas but I used to find that whenever kids returned from x after weekend contact they would always be in a foul mood. Sunday nights used to be pretty stressful getting ready for school and most often there would be shouting and/or I would end up in tears.

DUe to recent back surgery and just being generally fucked off with everythi g I have had to limit my household duties and so when kids return Sunday evening most times I am in bed or not really up to engaging with anything.

I have realised this morning that this has by default reduced the Sunday night brawls that used to happen but I just wanted to document here How the innocent chit chat with kids can descend into the rage very quickly.

I Have major changes as do the kids coming up in the next 6 months. I have documented on here that in order to buy a reasonable property I cannot carry on living where I am - I am looking at 200 miles away. I am currently renting the former family home until end August to get kids through a levels with least disruption. But I am going to run out of money I cannot afford to do this and pay Ds last term of school fees.

I have been emailing X for the last few months telling him this, asking that he pays the sf trying to get some agreement that the kids can live with him in the property he rents locally for the last few months - kids know this I keep trying to get them to have this discussion -

So this morning I say to Dd any discussion about your living arrangements nothing, nada, zilch, not really surprised - then the chit chat follows turns out DS wants to go interrailing during the summer - i don’t have a problem with this but what gets my rage going is the 3 of them - x, Dd, & Ds talked about this together - can’t have a fucking conversation about important stuff like where are the kids going to be living when I can no longer spin all the plates! But can talk about fun stuff!

MY time is running out - do I just dump it on them all & say fuck you all I’ve been trying to get you to talk but you won’t - do I go to the school and say I cannot afford the last terms fees - the rest will come out I’ve already told the school what my situation is and previously we as in x & I were told unless we “got on” the school will get SS involved as they have a duty of care to Ds

IM trying to do the right thing by the kids but I’m compromising myself - financially because I haven’t got the money and emotionally this is impacting my MH because it should not be my worry alone - this is where I said to My solicitors 4 years ago x will be out to destroy me emotionally and financially

Who am I protecting here - the kids yes because I want least disruption to them or myself? Because once I go down this route and start asking for real help I may unravel - or the x because their are bound to be consequences to him. I have all these fingers in pies I pull one and they all come together - the outcome will then be out of my control and to be honest I’m scared of the damage it could do - the damage to the kids - and the irony in trying to protect them and keep them from shite the biggest damage could just about be done - how do I do this? Bloody miracle needed again

greenberet would it be worth starting a new thread to get more different opinions and support on MN? It sounds like its all getting on top of you, I get that.
It seems like your main problem is paying the last terms school fees? Sounds like your ex is meant to pay it but he's not? If its under the divorce can a lawyer help you get the money? Otherwise can you take a loan using your house as collateral or just agree with the school to pay it once you've sold?

With the dcs, if you can house them till August then why would they need to stay with him? I'd just keep them there with you. I wouldnt get them to discuss it with their dad, its probably too awkward for them.

In the end you need support for yourself to deal with the situation and the stress of it all. Maybe a thread on here would be a starting point