I drove him away and am now heartbroken

[namechangedbutneedadvice]

Just that really.
Met this lovely man 16 months ago... 2 months after I found out my husband had been cheating on me. This lovely man and I went through the processes of our respective divorces together. He healed me in so many ways but we were so different and I was very I guess, combative in the relationship. I would react badly to things he said/did/didn't do (some of them justified but mostly a complete overreaction on my part).

On Tuesday I ended it because of well, an outing reason so I won't divulge. I overreacted and should have checked some facts before saying "it's over". He clarified some facts for me after I'd said this which changed matters slightly and I asked him if he wanted to talk things through (this played out over the course of 2 days via text). Whilst being totally lovely he's quite rightly told me no, he's done.

I've driven away this perfectly lovely man and I'm not sure what's wrong with me. It might be because he was always so spookily, even tempered and said he never argued with any of his exes and struggled to express his emotions. I never saw him angry, maybe I was trying to get a rise out of him I don't know. I am also living on my nerves since divorce... I am so concerned that my two DDs are happy and loved, balancing busy work life and home life, being a good mother, and my finances keep me awake at night. He was such a rock although we didn't live together and were taking things very slowly.

I'm just heartbroken and realise this is my own doing and I need to let him go. It's still early days but I can't stop crying.

I've always been an emotional person but I just can't fathom what's wrong with me and why I'm like this. I wonder if anyone will ever be able to put up with me? Can anyone relate? Do you have any tips for getting through raw heartbreak?

You’ve been through so much. You need time for you and your children. Step away and give him space. If it is meant to be you two can try later.

Oh, I’m so sorry. It’ll take time but be strong! Please keep your head up.

Firstly, I think that maybe you two weren’t right for eachother Because if it was truly meant to be you wouldn’t have broken up with him and he wouldn’t have walked away. This might be hard to hear right now but it’s true! You also said that you and him were quite different, And also how he struggled to express his emotions. Do you really want a guy like this forever? Not saying that he is a bad person but if you don’t believe in this then it’s not for you.

You met him for a reason and he served a purpose in your life even though it was temporary, what did he teach you? What did you learn about yourself? Think about how much you guys supported each other throughout your divorces. Maybe that was reason you guys met each other, maybe it wasn’t supposed to be long-term…

This is not your own doing. Do not blame yourself, if he can walk away so quickly after you saying it’s over then is he really meant for you? Do you not feel guilty because you wouldn’t have said it’s over if it was truly truly Meant to be! Even though those weren’t your thoughts at that time, things happen and we may not find the answer straight away and sometimes we never find answers but things will eventually make sense. I believe that even though you are extremely upset, this needed to happen sooner rather than later. How would you feel if it happened to yours downline and he walked away so quickly after all those years invested? It needed to happen.

I think the best advice I can give you is don’t feel guilty and don’t blame yourself, even if you love him, it doesn’t mean it is meant to be. Just because we love someone doesn’t mean they’re right for you even if he was a good person to you.

Do you think you are truly over your ex husband? As you mentioned that you met new guy two months after finding out he cheated on you. Maybe you are also mourning the loss of your marriage.

Take this time to work on yourself and better your life, you mentioned your finances were keeping you awake at night? Seek some advice and get some help. Improve areas of your life that need improving and try not to dwell on this situation because once you start focusing on improving your life you may not feel so bad about things.

It honestly just takes time, heartbreak is so bad and I really really feel for you however take this time and use it wisely because in a matter of a few months you’ll look back and wish you used this time differently. Do you really want a man who lets you go so easily? Even if he did come back to you this would probably be in the back of your mind how he was ready to end things granted you broke things off with him but you tried to work things out and he wasn’t interested. Is this someone you can trust long-term? You need someone who will always have your back through the good and especially the bad times when you make mistakes, are having a bad day and over react. We are human and cannot always do things perfectly and he should be more understanding. Please don’t feel guilty, just be strong xxx

Thank you so much to both of you, sweet angels of mumsnet... It's horrible not being able to sleep... your posts have just taken some of the loneliness away.

A334 your post is so eloquent and beautiful. It makes so much sense to me. You're right, he did walk away easily. I think he had probably had enough of my combative responses. I don't (I think) miss my exH at all but I do still mourn the loss of my marriage, our family unit and the security it gave our DDs. Some days I feel so sad for my girls (9&7) and even walking down streets that I remember pushing a buggy up or my DDs toddling down can bring me to tears.

I think taking time out to work on my state of mind is a very good idea. I don't instinctively feel like this lovely man and I were destined to be together forever, maybe you're right he came into my life for a reason. I think we really helped each other to be honest. But I miss him so much, had never met anyone like him before, he made me feel like a queen and I pushed him away. If I'd have sat on my feelings that wouldn't have been healthy either so either way probably not a lifelong match but even so it breaks my heart. I will have to work hard on not feeling guilty. And I will be strong... no choice with children hey?

I appreciate your posts so much thank you again

In your shoes I would write him a letter from the heart. I would express it the same way as you have here. It was just too soon. At least that way you will have apologised and made an attempt at making amends and this will help you enormously psychologically too.

I wouldn't write a letter. I would leave him be for a while. If it is right, he will come back, but I do think that healthy relationships shouldn't be combative and maybe that was an indication that you two weren't quite the perfect fit. Please don't blame yourself for this. Relationships end for all sorts of reasons and it's always very sad when you are still in love.

Your post resonated with me. When I split with my ex husband, I had a boy of 3 and two girls of 5 and 7. I was not heartbroken about the end of the marriage, but like you, I struggled with the loss of the family unit. It was so hard trying to keep things together for them.
I rushed into online dating and had two short relationships end, not my choice. Then I met a man I was with for two years and when that ended, it nearly destroyed me. Like you, I was devastated and blamed myself. However I spent some time getting better and healing. I'm now in a career that I've begun to build up again, with a lovely partner that I'm buying a house with. My children are now 13, 11 and 9. It wasn't an easy few years but it does get better.

Your heartbreak will be exacerbated by the fact that you have your lovely children to stay strong for and support and also all the hopes and dreams you harboured for this relationship. But while this may be an ending, it isn't the end and I promise you will be very happy again, even if it's hard to see through the fog right now. You're doing an amazing job.

Unfortunately I would say you were not in the right frame of mind at that time to be embarking on a new relationship, probably if you had met him further down the line from your marriage ending and had healed slightly from beng cheated on it would of been different.

I think its a case of meeting the right person at the wrong time, but ever the optimist I believe if its meant to be you will reconnect, but you need time for yourself and your children and once you can think clearly and feel settled in your life and realise that not every man out there will cheat in a relationship and on you then you can move forward.

My now dh and I first dated many years ago but due to outside interference from his side of the family we split, I was devastated as I knew he was the one, I lost a lot of weight but always felt that we were meant to be together, we split for 18 months and I dabbled on the dating scene a couple of times but my heart just wasn’t in it.

I then changed career path from London to local as I was fed up of commuting everyday, then one day while I was at work my ex walked in and the rest is history and have been married with two children for 23 years, so you see when you split its not always the end.

I think, not the right time.

What is right for this time then? Well, you, and the kids. Take time OUT to work out your new normal, and spend time settling the kids. It's important to you, so do it well and leave the dating for now xxx good luck and hope you feel better xxx

OP, if it's any consolation, I too entered into a relationship very soon after leaving my husband. I ended it after 2 years and was heartbroken. BUT it really restored a lot of what I lost during my marriage, despite the upset of its finishing - I have now met the love of my life and am happier than I thought possible. DP and I agree that one of the reasons we work so well is what we both learnt during and after our marriages and break ups. So even though it doesn't feel like it now, this relationship will have given you a lot, may well have run its course and will be something I hope you look back on in the future from a happier place.

You have had a lot to process - discovery of an affair, the end of a marriage and the fallout for your family unit and DC. But you were not able to focus and address these emotionally and singularly whilst distracted by this relationship.....so the pressure has built. Get some counselling and look to focus on your own healing and acceptance and especially that of your DCs - get all that back on a even keel and then start thinking about dating.

Could you perhaps try some counselling for yourself, to help work through the huge upheaval of your life?
Either private (quickest way) even if just once a month? Some areas offer nhs telephone counselling if you’d be ok not face to face?

Treat yourself and your mind kindly x

No, do not write to him. Let it go.

I suspect you got involved far, far too soon after your husband.

Way too soon for a new relationship. Let him go. Ignore ‘clarifications’, he just wants to have the last word, gain the upper hand, have you begging him to talk it through. Deep breaths, and soldier on. You’ll be fine.

If you want to end up with a good man, I suggest you take a bit of time and reset your thermostat so you can differentiate bw assertive and combative behaviour. "Combative" is not good.

Oh bless you OP.
You got into the relationship way too soon.
You need some time for you and your DD's
Time to get yourself back.
Time to discover who you are - on your own!
Give yourself some space and time and you'll get there.
Have you had counselling since your split from ExH?
Stop beating yourself up and start looking after yourself.

Sounds like right guy but, wrong time.

Writing a letter would be a terrible move, don’t do it. Give him space

Sorry for late reply... I've been in meetings most of the day so haven't had a moment to think. It's been quite good in that respect.

So nice to see all your messages and excellent advice. You're all so right...

I've been tearful all day but felt 100% better coming home to my girls. They should really be my focus right now and I will step away from any sort of dating now and concentrate on us 3.

Barbarianmum - I think I do need counselling to work through my anger. I did have counselling last year when I was struggling to cope and it helped no end. But this anger is something left over and to be honest, that I've always had to some degree.

Farontothemaddingcrowd and eggsandwich - thanks for sharing your stories. Such lovely happy endings

Am trying to remember the saying "the only way out is through" so am just letting the tears come in quiet moments. It's just me this weekend so I know it will be a hard. I'm planning things to keep me busy and active.

Thanks everyone... it's helped me so much to read your replies

harriethoyle I managed to miss you off before your story is so lovely and gives me hope. Thank you

If it is right, he will come back

^Er no he won’t

Well then it's not right, is it. Do you know him personally?

Hello again... I was doing so well this weekend. Kept myself busy with various things. Now this evening I've just been through and deleted all his photos from my google account. I feel sick... I miss him so much and just remembering the lovely times we had and the other times when I was just f**king miserable and awful. He is so beautiful and was always so positive and kind and funny. Feel like I'm back to square one. Can anyone recommend any good books for learning about anger, where it comes from, how to control it please?

People are saying he walked away easily...that's a sign of self respect IMO. You ended it.

Why should he beg and plead...when he can find a relationship that's not such hard work?

It's all well and good pp being nice and fluffy...but in reality...no matter how much I like someone...being dumped is a dent to one's ego and I have more pride than to put myself in a position of being dumped again ...by someone who jumps to conclusions...then asks questions later.

If it was him posting here as the dumpers...he would be told..."its tough. You lost a good woman. You blew it by being combative"

These posts are not helping you gain insight.

SandyY2K thanks for your honesty. I know I screwed it up and I know I behaved unreasonably sometimes. I don't blame him for walking away, it's made me realise that I'm not right and need to make some changes. I lost a really good man (don't know if we would've been together forever but a great man nonetheless) and I know it's my fault but I'm in physical pain since we finished. I'm wondering if there are any books people would recommend.

Mindfulness is worthy reading up on.
Yoga and meditation may also help you.
Anything is worth a try.