Would you go on a date even if you didn't feel ready to date yet?

[Readytorewind]

I have agreed to go on a second date with someone really really nice. Our last date was before Christmas and afterwards I was really positive (we had a lovely snog ) but then got cold feet because Christmas brought lots of feelings about my ex up and I didn't think it was fair to date when I wasn't ready.

I had an abusive marriage (physical) followed by an emotionally abusive long term relationship. I've been single for a while, just healing etc. Plus I've got 3dc's and I just feel disgusting and unattractive.

I explained this to lovely man and he was great, thanked me for being honest and understood. We stopped speaking. A week ago he came up on FB and on impulse I accepted his friend request. He just said hi and he hoped I was well. We talked some more and on Sunday I had 2 beers and got a bit impulsive and told him I had thought about him a lot and was sad that my own fear had stopped me getting to know him. He asked me if I wanted to meet up this weekend, with absolutely no expectations or pressure from him. Happy to just he friends and let me set the agenda for that. I agreed.

The issue is we are very attracted to each other, this was very obvious on our first date. Lots of staring at each other, accidental touching etc. Am I playing with fire? I am so scared if 1. Getting hurt and 2. Getting naked would you date even if you don't feel ready?

Can I just stipulate I am very very firm on not involving any man in my DC's life so it would be casual and very very slow. I was with my ex for 4 years and I wouldn't let him move in because of the DC's. I feel totally tied up in knots.

I say go for it

Do it

I tend to be more wary of those people who say they're "ready for dating", paradoxically. Because, really, we're never ready for the things that matter.

I don't know. You say you feel disgusting and unattractive and you've been in a couple of abusive relationships in a row, and you've told him all that. I think if he's another poor pick you've given him too much ammunition already. I think it's generally a mistake to expose yourself like that so soon.

Have you done the freedom programme or anything like that?

He might well be delightful, but do remember your promise to yourself to take it slow.

if he's another poor pick you've given him too much ammunition already. I think it's generally a mistake to expose yourself so soon

I was thinking this as well. Being too open about your vulnerabilities when you don't know someone is risky..especially after 2 abusive relationships.

Sorry, I worded it really poorly last night. I whacked in the paragraph about my past so I didn't drop feed and put it in the wrong place

He doesn't know I've been in abusive relationships. I meant I told him I wasn't sure I was ready and that's what he said he understood/thanked me for my honesty etc. I just alluded to the fact that they were two LTR and that's why I've been slow to adjust. I wouldn't tell him about the abuse yet. I've done freedom programme, counselling from a domestic abuse service and trauma psychotherapy from Rape Crisis.

I have put some stipulations on the meeting this weekend. We are meeting in a bar near my train stop, we are staying in that one public place and I'm getting the train home. He was fine with this. He's very gentle, which I'm not used to at all. I'm setting the pace and saying what I want and he's not pushing on what he wants at all. I know this is normal but it's not my normal and I'm being hyper vigilant to ANY behaviours. I've had two experiences with violent, gaslighting and addict men so if something rings my alarm bells I'm out. Thanks all. This is really helping!

Ah, that's good, the way it read, I was concerned.