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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

end of a friendship between a man and a woman

41 replies

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 10:30

I have been (text mainly) friends with a guy for 7 months and previously posted about this that he wanted to stop texting which i have respected. but he said we would remain friends and still see one another in out social circle because we have a connection. However he has since this time seemed to avoid me altogether which does hurt. So I broke the no text rule and asked him if he was avoiding me. He sent me a long message saying he had no reason to want to or need to avoid me and basically he had been busy with all the details of what he had been doing..no affection just facts. It felt cold but he replied.. now what i want to know is..is he just being polite? he said he cared and wouldn't cut me out of his life but it feels like that is what he has decided to do. have i lost this friend forever?

OP posts:

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 13:35

i cant. I haven't been happy for years but i love him with all his faults and he would be crushed but at the same time i am sure he would be happier with someone else. i have said this to him. he isn't happy we are not really compatible and 20 years on its glaringly obvious to everyone but him. The other person actually made me feel like who i used to be. I do miss him but i know he probably isn't as amazing as i think.. its all just smoke and water but he was very kind to me when i needed a friend and i really have a massive amount of respect for him.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 13:42

SarahJconnor
we are both married to other people. I was getting support from a friend and i dont know why i am so invested. DH doesnt know. He is hard working caring and everything my DH isnt. No one found out, someone almost did and he didn't want an affair he just wanted to be friends.. that is 100% genuine not everyone and everything leads to sex.

OP posts:

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 13:42

You've got emotionally involved with this unavailable man and you've neglected your own marriage in the meantime. Now your husband might be a bit of a prick (and he's not sounding great, tbh) but when you invest all your emotional energy into one person there isn't anything left for anyone else. We all see it when our friends get involved with a new guy and don't have the time or energy to see us.

Now is the time to focus on yourself and to work out whether your marriage is salvageable. You may need help from a counsellor - personally I think this would be a great idea. Not couples counselling, just someone for you.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 13:44

i have thought about that but its £50 and husband spends every penny on beer i acn only just affords bills etc. but i will work on it.

OP posts:

Sarahjconnor · 23/01/2019 13:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 13:52

I don't think i wanted an affair. It wasn't like that at all and it think i would have been terrified of he had felt that way because although i have been talking to him..i sort of didn't feel that it was really bad. I liked it as it was. but yes you are right i do need to sort stuff out. I am surprised you haven't all totally roasted me. And yes we agreed to stop before anyone got hurt.

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 14:04

OP why don't you just leave your husband? You say you aren't compatie, he's lazy and uncaring and spends all the famy money on beer. You aren't happy. He doesn't make you feel or let you feel like yourself.

HollowTalk · 23/01/2019 14:04

It sounds like you were able to be the person you really are with your friend and now he's disappeared you are not only missing him, you're missing that chance to be seen as the real you.

Your marriage sounds miserable and as though he's self-medicating with alcohol, too. Can you envisage a life without your husband? What would that be like, do you think?

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 14:41

Yes I can. I think life would be easier in a lot of ways but leaving him would hurt our daughter not so much our son. But he wouldn't give in easily and would be nasty. Also after 20 years I don't want to hurt him. And yes if he knew about my friend it would I expect

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 14:50

The fact he would turn nasty should raise every red flag you have OP. How old are the kids?

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 15:01

They are 14 and 8. He would just make it very hard for me. But we basically live separate lives but he doesn't seem aware at all although I have told him

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 15:45

Well obviously you're entitled to stay in an unhappy marriage but please remember you are modelling relationships to your children. Even if you think you play happy families, the kids will know, especially as they get older. I'd personally start looking practically at what you need to do to leave and find someone you actually like and respect. Good luck

And agree with upthread, it isn't the MAN so much as the opportunity to not just be someones door mat

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 15:52

Happy families is a bit of a joke we do nothing together as a family..for example I have just come in and he has gone to the pub..same every day. He doesn't show an interest in anything me or the kids do unless forced and I am feeling more and more what is the point. I suffered 2 major bereavements in my family and started going a little insane and that's when my friend stepped in and helped me. And he really did and possibly we did get a bit too close..but even he has said he thinks I need to look at how I am being trrated. I am a total doormat but feel more life is short and I want more from the life I have. The friend wouldn't be a suitable man for me we are not the same in that way I would send him round the twist we were just close friends. I just don't have the courage and still feel like it is somehow unfair on my Dh..he can be nice and funny and kind but is mostly very selfish.

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SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 16:09

So you kids know you're unhappy but you're teaching them that this is what you do - you stay unhappy because not upsetting your husband matters more than being in a happy relationship.
Your girl will grow up knowing she is less important than a man and what she needs to do is shut up, head down and comply.

Agree with your friend, you really need to look at your life. Perhaps the gap he has left will make you see what you're missing.

Imagine if the companionship you felt with him came with cuddles and great sex and help with the kids and half the housework chores

Original poster

cantdecide1 · 23/01/2019 16:36

Sleeping standing up that made me so sad reading your post. Obviously that isn't what I want for her but she is very traumatised from the bereavement already and loves her dad. Re imagine being with someone who made me feel like my friend that makes me even sadder as I miss him so much and can't imagine having that link again. It's all a big mess

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 23/01/2019 19:01

I didn't mean to make you sad Cant but to make you see you could be so much happier x

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