To leave a perfectly good relationship over sex?

[leanonme]

Me and my DP of 4 years are both in our late 20s. We live in a rented home together with no DC.I have been having some doubts about our relationship as I no longer feel much sexual desire towards him. I’m not sure if this is par for the course in long term monogamous relationships or whether I have a bigger issue?

I can’t fault most of my relationship with DP. He is a lovely man who treats me as a priority. We have lots of shared interests, hobbies and values. I love spending time with him and I do miss him when he’s away. My friends and family also love him and think that he’s good for me. We earn similar incomes and contribute roughly the same to domestic chores etc. I’m sure he would make a great husband and father in the future. He has also said that he wants to marry me in a few years once we have established our careers.

We have sex maybe twice a month which is ok. It’s not bad and he does the job but even in the honeymoon period it wasn’t the most passionate or engaging sex I’ve ever had. It’s a bit boring and DP has started to comment that we need to do something about it. He’s noticed that I’m not in the mood much and whilst he doesn't sulk or make an issue out of it I don’t want to upset him. I find myself wanting sex but not with DP. My mind often wonders during it and I find myself imagining it was with someone else. I’ve also had a series of crushes on various colleagues and acquaintances although I would never act on them or tell anyone about them. I think this is largely due to boredom.

We both work long hours in stressful jobs and both work away on a regular basis. For the last year I haven’t spent much quality time with DP as so much is taken up by our jobs. I’ve also put on weight due to stress and I don’t feel particularly attractive anymore. I am working on loosing the weight for myself and trying to spend more time doing things with DP that we both enjoy. He also seems very consumed by work and is nowhere near as outgoing as when we first met.

When I first met DP I hadn’t long come out of a toxic relationship with my ex. That relationship was full of chemistry at the beginning but ultimately broke down because we weren’t at all compatible. My ex was also very manipulative and gaslighted me when I disagreed with him. My self esteem wasn’t the best by the end of the relationship despite never having had a problem with men before. I probably wasn’t ready for another long term relationship when I met my current DP however we couldn’t stop spending time together and ultimately this progressed into a relationship. I do not have any feelings towards my ex and I’m glad that he is no longer in my life however the highs and lows of that relationship were a big part of my early 20s. It’s quite a different experience to be in a stable long term relationship.

I’m unsure whether to keep trying or break off the relationship. I feel that it’s a big step to to throw away all the good parts of our relationships for the sake of sex. I can’t help but think that I’m trying to create some excitement in my life or self-sabotage. I haven’t told DP how I feel as it would destroy his confidence and he doesn’t deserve that. I’m aware that if I leave the relationship I could end up feeling the same way with a new partner after a while once the thrill of a new relationship wears off.

Has anyone else felt this way? Is this normal? What did you do?

I was you 3 years ago. I left. Best decision ever. Don't settle for something that does not excite you. Go look for someone you feel crazy about.

I agree with @PhillipaLalla

Why settle for average?

I’m aware that if I leave the relationship I could end up feeling the same way with a new partner after a while once the thrill of a new relationship wears off.

^So the problem is you not your DP. Maybe relationships aren’t your thing?

If the sex is boring you now, imagine how bored you'll be by 40. You can stay friends with your ex as you have lots in common, but if there's no chemistry and desire it's probably not going to be a happy long term relationship

This issue is you and not your DP.

Split now.

Leave him. Give both of you the chance to find the right person. Otherwise you're on a path to resentment and frustration.

Four years, late 20s, twice a month? Honestly I don't think you need to pathologize this - it simply sounds as if the relationship has run its course, as a relationship. It happens. It doesn't sound as if you need have any regrets - just acknowledge the situation and maybe try having some time being single. Who knows what fun you'd have?

I'm 45 been with DH 18 ys. We've had dry spells, pregnancy, job stress etc and sometimes sex can get dull BUT it always comes back as the passion is there underneath, and if I think about sex, it's him I want it with. If the passion is gone after 4 yrs and you're kid free I'd be worried it's not enough long term.

I could’ve written this word for word, I’m similar age and very similar situation. I still haven’t left but resentment is building now.... I haven’t got anything helpful to add but am watching this thread with interest. Good luck whatever you decide to do

If the sex isn't good, it's not a good relationship. (There are different definitions of good sex for different people, of course.) Relationships are not compulsory in the first place, and the supposed 'ideal' of longterm monogamy simply doesn't work for a lot of people.

Someone might decide to remain in a relationship with boring sex because a) everything else is wonderful and b) sex is not that big a deal to that particular person. It's fair to say that very few of us get everything we want in life and sometimes it is worth accepting that a particular thing is just not going to happen. But it depends how much that thing - or the abililty to seek that thing - matters to the individual.

The only thing I would suggest you consider is: whether your current man is really wonderful or not - if your previous partner was an absolute shit, a man who doesn't do whatever the absolute shit did can seem like a wonderful man when actually he's another loser, just a different kind of loser. So if your last partner was violent, any non-violent man can seem like a prize, even if he's lazy, critical, controlling or a fanny rat. Or, if your last partner was constantly chasing other women, one who is obsessed with monogamy might appeal to the point where you ignore red flags that he's dangerously controlling.

The fact you are thinking of others whilst having sex is enough of a signal to break the relationship off imo. If I found out my DP thought of others I’d be devastated. Leave him so you can both find somebody more compatible.

If you dont really fancy him let him go.
Its not fair on either of you.
You never know might feel the same about you or at the very least be wondering why you’re only have sex twice a month. kids etc will only make things more difficult

If you leave you may find yourself in the same situation a few years down the line but there again you may not. If you stay, ask yourself if you can handle the years of mediocre sex ahead of you.
You’re young with no kids, I would leave and stay friends but see what else life has to offer. Think very hard before settling based on friendship alone, ultimately it’s not really fair on either of you. Best of luck.

The chances of meeting someone who's going to give you the sexual tingle and will be compatible for long term relationship with kids are very slim.

If he gives you the tingle, there'll be plenty of others who'll feel the same way.

Good looking men in the UK are in a small minority, so they can take their pick these days on tinder and OLD, so why would he stick around?

Add this phenomenon to tax credits, and it explains why we have millions of kids growing up in broken homes in the UK.

There's something I want to add to this before you follow all the leave him advice.

I was in an abusive relationship for 4 years, when I came out of it I eventually started dating this lovely man, and the relationship was good! But because there wasn't all the stress and drama of the previous I thought it was without passion. I broke up with Jim after a year, dated someone else where there was plenty of passion but we broke up almost every month and it was exhausting. And that was when I realised that things with the other guy weren't boring and without passion. It's just supposed to be easy like that. The sex thing is something that you can fix, HE even wants to. So if you love him work through that. But don't throw away a good thing because you don't know how to deal with it.

Thing is, being single is generally better than being in a relationship, for women. Being in a relationship with a man, especially if you share a house, usually means a lot more work for women - men who actually do their fair share are pretty thin on the ground. If you are with a man who doesn't make your life a lot better, who gets on your nerves, who is shit in bed, then don't be put off leaving because you might never meet another man. you might be much happier without a man. And, at least, if you want a great sex partner, being single improves your chances of finding one.

I was you at 28.

I stuck with him. It was a mistake and we are now divorced. I got to the stage where I couldn't bear to be touched by him.

Could you not be honest with him and try counselling ? Or a trial separation?

You're so young. Time to have a break and start to look for someone with whom there's a spark - but don't forget all his nice characteristics - you'll need those, too.