Maltese divorce

[SkyLuna]

Advice please.

My partner is Maltese. He was married for a year and the relationship fell apart. They have a 3 year old son together. They have been seperated for 3 years and he moved to live in the U.K. 2 years ago. He is a good man, wealthy and a good father so travels back monthly to spend time with his son.
His son's mother is manic depressive and their relationship became toxic and he didn't want that environment for his son to grow up in.
He was open and honest with me from the start. We have now been together for a year, happy and In love. However, I now want to move forward with my life but his mother doesn't want him to get divorced but says he can live his life in the U.K. She has a rare blood condition and stress makes it worst (She keeps crashing her car from worry when he broaches the subject with her), so he is considering staying married because his mother tells him the situation stresses her out. His parent have the same situation for over 20 yrs, separated, living seperate lives but still officially married (His father has a new family too). I told him it was unacceptable to expect me to live my life with a man married to another woman and detailed my requirements to him. He said he will take a few days to think about it and we will discuss this Thursday. He is in his late 30s and I am 40. I don't know much about Maltese culture, but is it wrong of me to ask this considering his mothers health? His mother's involvement is so strange, I don't see how this arrangement would be a healthy representation of love for the child. His son's mother is also very religious and doesn't want the 'shame' of divorce - apparently it's quite a new thing in Malta. But what woman wants to be tied to a man who no longer loves them - surely find someone else?
Can anyone shed light on this, or understands from a maltese perspective?

Many thanks

Have you visited and met his family and son? I wonder if this more related to Catholicism than Maltese culture specifically. As your p does not live there I doubt it would bring such a shame on the family.

She keeps crashing her car from worry when he broaches the subject with her

This stuck out for me, she sounds absolutely manipulative and crackers.Although you support your kids, whats the divorce got to do with her?!

What would worry me is the legal perspective, inheritance and responsibilities. Should you have a home together, and something happens to him the (not so) ex wife would potentially inherit your home. It just sounds incredibly messy. I am in the precarious position of not being married but to add to that a manipulative mum crashing her car with worry and an "ex" wife. It would be an absolute nightmare should something happen to him.

Is he financially responsible for her debts etc if they are still married.
It just sounds very very messy, the mum alone would have me running for the hills.

Hi Lizs,

Thank you for your perspective.

We haven't made a trip together to Malta to meet the family or son, we decided because of the how highly the emotions seem to run in Malta from both the women especially his mother, be best to delay any intergration at the moment.

Do they even know about you?

I don’t think your doing anything wrong.

He either gets a divorce or you split up. Why would you want a long term relationship with a man that’s married indefintley to someone else?

If his ex is that bad- why would be move thousands of miles away and only visit once a month?

Divorce has only been legal in malta since 2011 i think so this is probably one reason why his mother is having trouble understanding it. But i wouldnt set up home with him whilst he is still married for reasons stated above.

Hi SKevin,

The situation is quite tricky.

The most recent discussion we had was the bombshell of him considering staying married but being legally separated which divides their assets permanently. I own my own home and they are both wealthy, and as far as I know the house in Malta they shared is paid off and he pays toward the maintenance of their child.

I do know that his mother's medical issues are quite serious, and he is a good son. But I am very different in as much I do what I like and everyone can fall into place.

He broaches the subject with his mother to prepare her because of her health. My greatest confusion is surrounding the Maltese culture, perhaps its just more tightly knit and mothers are know to be involved, illness or not?

I think the behaviour from both women is bonkers, I just hope I'm not pulling up the rear by staying in it.

Thanks for your perspective, it's food for though.

Hi Liz's,

Yes, they do know he's in a relationship but tbh we don't shout about it. His mother is ok for him to have a life in U.K. but stay married, but it's all so weird and double-life for me. I guess she's ok with it, because she lived it...

Why does his mother need to know if he gets divorced?
Or am l missing something?

Hi Inlectorecumbit,

The mum only had sons so has built a really close relationship with the ex so she can have access to the grandchild. The ex tends to complain to the mother about not wanting divorce, part due to her depression issues, part due to getting back at the son (her ex), the mother gets sick with worry and the cycle begins. The mother and ex live 5 mins from each other too. To try and manage the situation he speaks to the mum first to prepare her, as he worries for her health, she was given 15 years to live 20 years ago. He wants to get on with his life but couldn't live with himself if this pushes his mum over the edge.

Salted Icecream

Thank you, yes. I agree.

I think you may not be hearing the full truth here.

I'm sure there is a element of Maltese culture and religious consideration - don't under-estimate the negative re-action of catholic to divorce. Some if not many do accept the pointlessness of remaining married to someone who does not care for them. But others strictly adhere to the 'forever' bit of the marriage vows. It wasn't just a joke when someone asked a catholic wife if she had ever considered divorce from her horrible husband and she replied 'Murder - yes. Divorce NEVER'.

However back to your man; he will have been brought up in a culture where divorce was not an option but men setting up 2nd families was acceptable. So a part of him will see his mother's suggestion as totally logical. Especially as you have already indicated than for you marriage is not a requirement to live your life together. So I think he may be spinning you along here. Be prepared for him to fudge any future divorce from his wife, to delay, prevaricate etc, if he even says he will divorce her. He will be upsetting his mother and that clearly is important to him.

Oh and by the way - no one is ever given 15 years to live. Doctors can't even accurately predict time of death when it is painfully obvious that death is imminent, so someone is pulling the wool over someone's eyes there.

@DPotter, a close relative was given 15 years to live - I was at the appointment. It was the consultant's best guess, although proved to be way out.

I was told l had a life expectancy of 5 years in 1993.........

They were a wee bit out in the estimation

@DPotter Thanks for your perspective.

I've made it crystal clear that the requirements for me to move forward in a relationship with him is that he gets divorced - as it is not acceptable for him to stay married and continue a relationship with me on any count. There are no flies on me when it comes to fudging or spinning, 40 yrs have sharpened my senses to all that nonsense.

He is and always has been honest with me, sometimes brutally honest. I felt guilty pressing him because I know the health of his mother - however I am now reassured that it was the right way to go.

We've been together, well a year this Feb, so it's decision time for him - he needs to step-up and deal with his ex who I think is manipulating the mum in this situation, and let his mum know that repeting the pattern from the past to appease adults is not in the best interest for a child.

He has opened up about his childhood and it was incredibly miserable for him - I guess the lesson for him is not to repeat a toxic cycle - but that's his journey.

I'll see what Thursday holds. It's a messy situation that needs to be dealt with either way now.

As they say say, hope for the best prepare for the worst.

@witsending I do hope your relative is still going strong.
@Inlectorecumbit really glad you're still with us.

:)

His entire story sounds sus to me. How do you know any of it is true other than what he has told you?

Yes OP, stand your ground. We all learn from life's experience and I'm sure you know when not to mess with your feelings. I hate it when exs' can't just be exs'. See what Thursday holds, they need to see things objectively, as this is not a normal way of life.
I hope he steps up, but like we all know, hope for the best, but prepare for the worst. So brace yourself. You sound like a strong lady anyway .