How to stop wallowing in self pity

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I discovered by wife betrayed me 6 months ago with another man and it felt like my world had ended. Now 6 months on we're still together and recovery is well underway, it's been hard work for both of us and we know we still have a way to go. I'd like some advice please as I feel like I'm wallowing in self pity. I keep thinking about all the negative things that have happened and feeling sorry for myself. I want to look forward to my future positively and think about all the good things in life but can't seem to break the chain. Thank you ❤

What you call 'self pity' is a natural and healthy response to a very deep wound.

You can't hurry this stuff. Or sweep it under the carpet. Or bury it. You have to let it roll through, as uncomfortable as that can be sometimes.

Give yourself a break. The hurt must be immense

Thank you springydaff, that's very comforting and much appreciated.

It's not "self pity" but a natural reaction to betrayal. It'll take a while to lift. Don't rush yourself.

Thanks for your input SuperSuperSuper.

Wow. You've been terribly hurt. I think you will need a good while longer to heal.

It's fine to think about all the negative stuff. That's how you process it and come through it into a more positive frame of mind.

Take your time. Be kind to yourself.

You need time. You're not wallowing in self-pity - what has happened to you hurts and you need time to heal.

You are grieving and in any other grief situation you would not be expected to get over it in line with a prescribed timetable - it would be considered crass to even consider it.

I am in a similar situation to you but we're at 12 months....it does get easier and you will move forward, just don't force it. There is a temptation to push beyond this phase but it's a necessary part of recovery and there's no denying it. You'll know when the time's right to stop taking notice of the negative thoughts, and you'll find ways to tackle them when they arise. Be patient.

I wish you well OP.

Thankyou Interiorlulu - that's really reassuring, especially from someone that is on the same path. Really appreciate you taking the time to respond. All the best.

Thankyou cobblersandhogwash, its very comforting to read your response. Much appreciated.

Hope this doesn't sound too harsh, but have you definitely thought this through with your own lens?

Sounds like you've been heartbroken and scrambled to keep things together and forgive very quickly. Totally understandable.

Are you working on yourself as much as you are your relationship with your wife? There's a reason she's had an intimate affair with another person. Just a bit worried in cases like this, it'll just happen again.

Hi Skinnypete, thanks for your comments. Can you please clarify what you mean by taking care of myself ? I've been to counselling on my own (we've also been to couples counselling) to help work through the devastation I felt and that has helped. I'm also eating the right things, getting lots of sleep and doing lots of exercise to keep healthy. We've identified things that she felt were missing (not known at the time of the betrayal but things came out at counselling) and have worked on those. I can't say I'm 100% certain it won't happen again, only because I never thought it would have in the first place. Always thought we were insulated against this sort of thing but obviously not.

This can happen to any marriage. It doesn't necessarily mean there's a flaw in the marriage at all imo.

Sometimes people do it because they can.

Springydaff, I completely agree. The flaw is often in the person who strayed, not necessarily the marriage which makes it harder for the betrayed party to comprehend.

Her having an affair is not your fault.

If your marriage had problems then she should have left you. Not betrayed you.