Hi all
I don't expect any replies, although they will be welcome. I'm just writing this for myself so I can organise my thoughts.
I've split up with dp. Together just over 3 years, moved in together after 18 months with dp and his son which lasted 6 months before troublesome behaviour from his son forced me to ask them to leave (drugs and fighting etc I have 2 primary aged ds's and I needed to keep them away from that). We kept the relationship going until now, him staying over 3 nights a week. I know I've made the right decision but I also know I will struggle to stick to it. Especially because the dc's love him and he is great with them.
He is kind and very practically supportive, very patient and tolerant and never gets angry or overly emotional if we have a disagreement. The sex is amazing. We can be good fun together and he makes the dc's laugh so much.
However, we are very different. Different political views, different ways of looking at the world, different values.
He also has a huge amount of emotional baggage that he is trying to sort out but it is exhausting to be around. I have just recovered from a breakdown 3 years ago myself.
He tells white lies (and some big ones, he told me he had been in the army when we first met. When I discovered that he hadn't we'd already been together for 2 years and he promised he'd get counselling. I had to pester him to arrange it) and is very unmotivated and needs pestering to get anything done. Before we met got himself into a lot of debt because he preferred to ignore the problem and pretend it wasn't happening. He hid this from me for a long time. When I found out I helped him budget and formulate a debt management plan and he's now nearly debt free. His approach to life is very passive which has forced me into the role of organising and planning everything, which I resent as it's exhausting.
He's always on his phone, and I mean ALWAYS. Not in a secretive way at all, but he's always on it nonetheless. He has no real life friends and prefers to have social contact via Facebook groups so I'm his only person. That's a lot of pressure.
He's very negative about people and their motivations, very closed minded and set in his ways.
His sense of humour can be incredibly puerile and will say inappropriate things several times a day. Ie, sniggering if I say the word 'end' or 'tip', but he'll do it in front of the dc. They don't understand what he's on about yet but it's only a matter of time! I keep telling him to stop because I don't like that sort of smutty humour either, but it still slips out.
So basically we are different sorts of people and not particularly compatible, despite certain aspects of the relationship working really well. If I'm really honest with myself the fear of being alone and not coping with the dcs is what is making me waver. I know that would be a horribly unfair reason to stay with him. I have a disability and get tired very easily so having someone around has been a huge help I need to get over the fear of not coping and put some strategies in place to make things easier. I know I've tolerated far more than most people would because of this.