My friend’s husband has left her...

[Spamfrittersforeveryone]

She’s coming round tonight to talk. Obviously I’m going to be there for her, let her talk, cry, vent etc but what practical things should we consider?

He has moved out. He’s not admitting any affair but I have my suspicions. Certainly he’s not interested in working on it.

She’s devastated and in shock, so I’d like to be practical help as well as emotional support. What should we consider, practically? They have three young children and rent their home.

Thank you wise MNers x

I think that you should suggest she obtains legal advice asap. Perhaps you could research local solicitors before she arrives, maybe (discreetly, obv) ask divorced friends if they'd recommend theirs. If her children are preschoolers, offer to babysit when she has the appointmet if possible. She'll also need to pull together financial information and a copy of the tenancy agreement.

She doesn’t feel ready re solicitors yet. Are there any disadvantages to putting that on hold for a month, as long as she doesn’t agree anything in the meantime?

The important thing is to listen and offer emotional support and reassurance. She can get through this and she has 3 wonderful children. Make her think of them and herself positively. Tell her it’s ok to need time to digest it. Tell her stuff can wait until she feels up to it and that you will help her.

If she focuses on how great he was, then gently probe if this really was the case but don’t offer your opinion unless asked. Even then, I would respond that he was just ok, nothing special and she could do better.

Practical things, offer to help sort out benefits and CMS claims. Also to come round and help her de-ex her living space.

Bitterness and anger are best avoided when there are children, they will be the ones to suffer. The children will still love him and need him. They don’t need warring parents no matter who is to blame. Sooner or later she will need to find a way to co parent with him.

She must NOT put this on hold. Her husband has had weeks or months to plan this, move or hide money and find out his legal rights. She need to do this now, or she and the children might live to regret it.

You can help her by getting all the paperwork together with her and going to teh appointment, if she feels too upset to go alone.

Yes, there are massive disadvantages in waiting. He can take all their money, leave her homeless if he’s that much of a dick and believe me, plenty of people unexpectedly are. So she needs to protect herself. She needs to check bank accounts, consider what he could potentially bleed dry. Go through any paperwork she can find and check if he has hidden debt. She needs to secure her home, she’s very vulnerable renting.

She needs to speak to a solicitor ASAP to protect herself and make sure she doesn’t do/agree to anything that makes her more vulnerable.

I would suggest she transfers any cash out of joint accounts into her own name immediately to start with.

And starts her benefits claims, it will probably be UC if she is entitled to anything and it can take weeks to sort.

I would also be ordering or printing off bank stats as far back as she can go, and going through them to see if he has syphoned money away. And she also needs an address for him if she is going to claim in her own name.

She can ring council tax and apply for her 25% discount. And maybe book a few days leave from work if she works to sort the practical stuff out.

I know she is in shock but she needs to sort shit out now before she gets shafted.

She needs to secure income more than anything, so applying for benefits and CMS. That is relatively urgent. You can help with it.

Maybe suggest she takes half of any savings or current account balances and tells him she has done it. But they might be raided already.

Can't add anything more as PPs have suggested the most important things. But apart from that offer practical help for when she needs it the most such as helping with the kids or if she has to move at all in the future (hopefully she doesn't have to).

Awww you are a good friend letting her off load to you 💐

Good advice from Frouby and taking half of the savings is another good suggestion - if the money is still available.

She must decide how she will communicate with the xh - I found emailing was the best option for me - we had to discuss finances/keeping a roof over dc heads.

Ok. That’s all really helpful, thank you. Yes, I have assumed he will act like a good guy towards her but I can see that normal rules don’t apply.

Thank you. Keep any suggestions coming. I want to be there for her and I want to be properly useful too!

1. Apply for tax credits
2. Apply for council tax reduction
3. Move or draw out any money that he could take
4. Cancel sky sports
5. Don't believe a word he says
6. Get the kids passports
7. Copy any financial info
8. Get a hours free legal advice
9. Do some digging re the OW

Lovely she has a good friend

Absolutely 100% do not rely on him being a good guy. He is no longer on her side. It seems unthinkable that your husband / best friend / fahher of your children will turn into a mean, selfish, hostile arsehole but I could show you countless examples so yes, ducks in a row ASAP I'm afraid.

Yes, I echo the advice not to put it off OP. She may not feel ready but if the marriage is over she needs to protect her interests asap whether she feels up to it or not, sadly. It needs to be done.