What happens next? Marriage is over

[Uncharteredterritory]

Longtime lurker, first time poster. Have seen some brilliant advice in the past so hoping to get some as feeling completely lost right now. This may be a long one but don’t wish to drip feed.

After finding texts to several prostitutes, I have told h it’s over. We’ve had a troubled couple of years including emotional and verbal abuse as a result of severe depression and anxiety. I’ve tried to help and support and he has made many positive changes. I’m not perfect and I know my sex drive has lowered whilst we’ve been together and this has been an issue. However I have tried to work on this. He now tells me too little too late and I drove him to it. He says he has not acted on the messages but that’s by the by to me. The fact he did it shows a complete lack of respect for me (and them).

I work full time, he is a sahp to our two young children and i have a mortgage.

How does this work now? Neither of us can afford to move out but I can not live like this anymore. I know we’re not setting good examples to our children.

Bumping this and hugs for you

I recently read an article about a couple who split when the mum was the main earner and the dad was a sahp - they divorced and he got the house and the kids and she sees them every other weekend, she is in a small bedsit and is paying most of her salary in maintenance. Make sure you get some legal advice, you can get a free half hour with most solicitors where they will just give you a rough idea of where you stand regarding who should stay in the house. I wish you all the best, splitting up is very hard.

It is important to get some advice. Look on the Wikivorce website for some information. Essentially assets will split in such a way as to ensure you are both able to meet your parental responsibilities. That recognises that you both need homes for you and the children, when resident with you. However it might mean smaller homes for both of you.

If there isn’t sufficient capital to do a clean break then spousal support may be considered on top of child maintenance. However the SAHP will be expected to work when the children are old enough, ie at school. All in all the sooner you get out, the sooner you can both rebuild your finances, even if that means downsizing, temporary pain and SAHPs getting jobs.

Is the house in your name only? If so kick him out, change the locks. You can get a childminder, you might be entitled to help with childcare costs, etc, if you're not entitled to any financial support do you have a spare room or a room in the house you can make a bedroom for an Aupair? They help with the kids & the house & are much cheaper option for childcare.

Thank you for the replies.

To answer some of the questions. Yes the mortgage is in my name only, not because he has never contributed but because of bad credit history. No spare room, the children currently share and at the moment we are alternating sleeping on the sofa bed.

I will get some legal advice soon, it hadn’t occurred to me he could get everything (equally hadn’t occurred to me I could/would).

It’s all such a mess, part of me wishes I’d just never seen anything. Then the other part of me says get your head out the sand, get some self respect and start acting.

Thanks again

There is some terrible advice on this thread you can’t just “kick” a spouse out and “change the locks” . Also why would a solicitor work for free? You are not entitled to free legal advice. If you are married irrelevant who’s “name” is on the mortgage. Wish people who know nothing wouldn’t spout nonsense to those in difficult situations.

Ask around discreetly for recommendations and go and see a decent solicitor who specialises in this area. Sorry you are in this position.

Agree MsT it’s the same on every single thread about divorce/separation. Outdated advice obviously from people who have not divorced or separated themselves.

Thanks both. I understand what you are saying. I’m not going to do anything rash. I’m desperate to keep everything as sane as possible for the children’s sakes.

For all his faults as a husband, he is a good dad and loves his children.

If you want to keep everything sane, I would stay away from solicitors and use a mediator. Much cheaper, less combative.

Yes it requires both parties to be reasonable, up for talking and compromise but it's entirely possible (we did it) to figure the whole lot out by yourselves.

Thank you both, that gives me hope. Will look at a mediator as I would definitely prefer the non combative route. I think it will be better for all of us.

As for assets, I too consider them all joint anyway. I’m well aware I’m only able to work and pay the way as he has stayed at home and looked after the children.

I think my issue is the assets don't boil down to enough for both of us to live seperate lives on as far as I can see. I know people do it so I guess it’s just working our way of doing it.

How old are the children? What are his plans for going back to work?

MsTSwift are you in the U.K.? There are a lot of solicitors here who are happy to offer half an hour of free legal advice to anybody who asks. It’s a way for them to drum up business, it enables clients to check out what their rights are or ask a few questions before making any decisions. Obviously you can’t take the piss, it’s really only for a few questions or asking if you have a case. But it’s very commonly offered.

“Getting advice for free or a fixed fee

Some solicitors give 30 minutes' legal advice for free. Some offer a fixed fee - that way you'll know in advance what the advice will cost. You can call a solicitor's office and ask if they offer a free half hour or a fixed fee.

A free or fixed-fee appointment can help you find out your rights and legal position. It's a good way to find out whether it's worth taking someone else to court or if you have a case that's worth defending.

You'll need to get the best out of your appointment. You should make a note beforehand of what you need to say and find out.”

www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

I can’t find a free consultation in my city.

I am a solicitor thanks not matrimonial though did some years ago. None of my peers are prepared to work for free! You might get an initial chat to see if you want to instruct but raising false hopes about lots of lovely free advice is unkind

I am a solicitor thanks

Then you’ll know that some of your fellow solicitors do indeed offer a free half hour chat. Emma saying Make sure you get some legal advice, you can get a free half hour with most solicitors where they will just give you a rough idea of where you stand regarding who should stay in the house. is not her raising false hopes about lots of lovely free advice

You’re coming across as rather unkind yourself to a poster who is offering valid useful advice, MsTSwift.

There is only one piece of advice to give OP and that is for you to seek legal advice immediately. And no, you often won't get a mythical 'free half hour' with a solicitor and even if you did half an hour is not really long enough to go through everything. If you don't know where to start, make an appointment with an advisor at the CAB and they'll be able to tell you what documents you need to gather and give you a list of family solicitors to contact.

Unchartered territory

Re your comment:-

"Will look at a mediator as I would definitely prefer the non combative route. I think it will be better for all of us".

Given past verbal and emotional abuse however, this is going to be a forlorn hope. Mediation is not recommended if there is abuse within the relationship because the perpetrator will never co-operate whilst the receiver will.

A good dad would never have done all this to the mother of his children. Women in poor relationships often write such when they can think of nothing positive themselves to write about their man. This man ultimately and only loves his own self, that is his priority here.

Seek legal advice asap. Do contact a couple of different firms of Solicitors.

I would probably play the long game. Get him back to work, maybe drop a day myself. ( finances allowing) and then get rid.

But no, he shouldn't 'get everything' and to make sure that he doesn't you need legal advice. The starting point for all marital breakdown negotiations is 50:50 split and the ideal outcome for all concerned is that both parties will be able to at least rent a suitable property afterwards that will accommodate them + the DC with shared custody.

He is not a good dad he used prostitutes just messaged my arse and there will be heaps more you don’t even know about.

Go to CAB for some initial advice but you are going to have to pay for a solicitor to divide up the assets.

Get rid show your children you dont tolerate such shit in a relationship even if your sex drive is dead!

I really don’t mean to sound funny but you seem to think that your loss of libido makes you at least partly to blame for this situation. The other (and probably more valid perspective) is that his behaviour would make him unattractive to anyone. I suspect your libido will be just fine with a partner who treats you with respect and appreciation.

If I was in your position, I would suggest to your partner that you go to counselling to resolve your differences ( be realistic, it won’t work) and in the meantime suggest that you try to compress your hours so that you can do some of the childcare. Suggest that he goes out to work for at least one day a week for his mental health. Try to buy yourself enough time to change the way in which the children are cared for so that it suits you going forward.

If he has been abusive previously, then you could well find him a lot worse in the short term. Brace yourself for it and try to ride it out.

You need to have your wits about you and a good solicitor will be a godsend. They are not all aggressive monsters at all and one who has been used to dealing with emotional abuse is what you need.

And feel no guilt, you have supported him through mental health problems and his response was to look for a prostitute when you have lost your libido and then blame you. He’s neither a good husband or father.

Thank you to everyone that has taken the time to respond. I have a lot to think about and am hoping my head will clear.

Categoric - you don’t sound funny at all, in fact I think you’re probably right with a lot of what you have said. I just feel like I must have failed somewhere along the line... Or that somehow I deserve this.

If I can just mention on line solicitors too, just ask etc, not free admittedly , but I got a lot of practical accurate information via email for £85 . Enough to get the jist and think logically anyway.