Found out I have a Half-Sister

[birdseatworms]

Eighteen months ago, at the age of 50, I found out I had a half-sister. We got our DD an Ancestry DNA kit the Christmas previously and this is how my half-sister (I’ll call her Sarah) located me. It was the biggest shock of my life to say the least.

My DM was extremely upset that we had been found, she said she had always feared this day and hoped it wouldn’t happen until she was dead. My DSis (I’ll call her Sharon, full sister and my only sibling besides my half-sister) told DM that we were glad we found out while she was alive so that she would know it didn’t change our feelings about her. DF, who knew DM had given up her baby, was and still is extremely jealous, thought now that we knew the secret, we all just needed to move on and not discuss it again. DM said she wouldn’t try to stop us having a relationship with Sarah, but she felt it was better if we didn’t. I decided to stay in contact Sarah though and DM asked me a couple of times if I had been in touch with her and I lied and said no because I knew that having the memories dredged up was painful to her.

So now Sarah and I have decided to meet. I like her a lot and it feels like the natural next step. I feel like I have a bond with her. I’ve booked a flight and go for a long weekend in 3 weeks. I decided to break this news to DParents truthfully because I knew if I lied and the truth came out they would be upset. I told them yesterday and they seemed to take it very well, we all went out for lunch and things seemed normal. To be honest, I was very shocked at their easy acceptance. However, today, DM was frosty and short with me on the phone, I asked her several times if everything was okay and she said yes. She called me back a few hours later asking me if I had told my DD about Sarah (when all this came out 18 months ago she asked DSis and I to promise not to say anything to our own children, who are 17, 29 and 30). She then went on, saying how it was very weird that I would be staying with Sarah when I visit, she doesn’t understand, how this is going to cause all sorts of issues, etc. She is quietly furiously with me, I can tell.

Before I told DParents of this visit yesterday, I spoke to DSis and we agreed it would be best to tell DPs the truth. DSis has also been in touch with Sarah, but to a much smaller extent than I have, and did consider coming on this trip with me but decided she’s not ready for that commitment yet.

I want to have a relationship with Sarah. I don’t think there is anything bad about those feelings. I have no intention of sharing details with DParents and equally I plan on keeping DParents lives private from Sarah. It’s a difficult situation and no matter how I proceed, somebody is not going to be happy. Am I wrong for wanting a relationship with my half-sister?

No you are not wrong in my opinion. I too have found out that I have 2 half sisters and a half brother via an Ancestry DNA test. I am now in touch with my birth mother but my half siblings don’t know about me. I would love to have a relationship with them one day!

Leave them to it, go meet your sister x

You aren't wrong at all. You have to realise though that times have changed and what was a massive deal and shame of unmarried parenthood then is no longer the same for us. Maybe write your mum a letter?

What a difficult situation for all of you. I'm guessing by your ages that your mum had "Sarah" as an unwed mother? And was told she was a terrible slag for doing so and she'd committed a great sin and no man would want her etc.

I totally support your decision to pursue a relationship with your sister. But can you give some space to your mum and understanding that she thought nobody would ever know and that she fears this knowledge would cause everyone to abandon her?

NotTheFordType, yes, my mum was an unwed mother. Her own mother died when she was 13, none of the females in the family took her under their wing to educate her about sex, so she was having sex with her boyfriend and didn't know that's what she was doing. He was a few years older than her and had been pursuing her but her own father didn't want her to see him because he was 20, so he forbid it and she snuck out to see him anyway. The guy promised her he would make things right with her father so that they could see each other. When she discovered she was pregnant, my grandfather summoned the guy to the house and wanted the guy to marry my mother, but the guy said he was engaged to somebody else and she never saw him again. They'd been seeing each other for about 2 years at that point. She wanted to keep the baby but as you know it wasn't the done thing then, and besides they couldn't afford it, so she gave the baby up. So yes, I know this is a very, very painful thing for my mum. Upon our discovery about Sarah 18 months ago, it ripped the scab off my mum's deeply buried wounds which is why I chose not to tell DM I had been in contact with Sarah. I didn't want to rip the wound open again, especially when I didn't know if we would even form any sort of bond. Nobody is right and nobody is wrong, it just is what it is. There are a whole lot of different emotions from different people.

Both my DSis and I assured her numerous times that her being an unwed mother changes nothing for us. She's still our mum. But she's still so ashamed. It makes me so sad.

DSis is the peacekeeper in the family and has spoken to DM since my first post, and DM says she is upset that I kept it from her that I was in contact with Sarah. All of this is exactly why I haven't told her, until I felt that things had reached a point that I needed to be honest about it. I wasn't dishonest, but I wasn't open. I only ever wanted to protect my mum.

I am going to give my mum the space she needs. I have remained calm when speaking to her but I worry I will say the wrong thing. Unfortunately I am very good at saying things the wrong way and making it worse.

Your own adult children will not give a stuff that their gran once had unprotected sex 50 years ago.

They will, however, think it’s very odd that YOU lied to them about it . And you are stopping them having a relationship with their aunt ( and perhaps cousins ? ).

I think pp's suggestion of writing a letter to your mum is good. Take time over it. You don't see your half sister as a reminder of a man who behaved appallingly, or remember the distress that the pregnancy brought. Just saying your DM will have a very different take on it from you, and you need to explain why seeing your half sister is important to you.

Do what you need to do. I've never found my half brother and my Dad (also his Dad) is dead so I'm at a dead end. I'd love to meet him.

I agree with a PP - I think that your 3 adult children should be told. They should of course be discreet about it when your mum is present.

This is the down side of a programme like 'Long Lost Families', they give us the romantic notion that there will always be a happy ending when an adopted child meets up with their birth families, and that the birth mother will be over the moon to finally meet their adult child. Sadly the reality is different.

You and your DSis should feel free to pursue this contact with your half sister whilst understanding that this will bring back very painful memories for your mum. She may come round to this, but there are no guarantees that she will. You should also tell your adult children, they'll take it in their stride.

Good luck!

WH1SPERS I agree 100%, and it tears me apart. The 17 year-old is my DD and I told her but she is sworn to secrecy. And you are right, she didn't give a stuff. The older 2 are my sisters and it's not my call to make, but I do know my sister is torn as well. It's so difficult when you are trying to protect and respect somebody you love and doing what you feel is the right thing, and the guilt that comes after. I've got all that going on. But I think the letter is a good way forward, so thank you to those of you who have suggested, and thank you to everyone who has taken time to respond.

Does Sarah want to meet her birth Mother?
This could be possibly what is at the root of your DM's anger/terror.

Wingedharpy only if my mom wanted to meet her, and that was never her intention in finding her anyway. Sarah's original intention in finding DM was to find out about genetic medical conditions. When I discovered I had a half-sister, I was very much interested in getting to know her better. It was just a natural curiousity. And I think when Sarah realized she had 2 sisters, she was unexpectedly interested in us. But Sarah has not pushed one iota to meet my DM, and I have explained that to DM.

I'm adopted and find the whole thing is fraught with issues.

I think you have to respect your Mum's feelings. Giving up a baby and everything that went with that 50+ years ago was deeply traumatic and then girls/women had to carry on as if nothing had happened, so they carry all of that unresolved trauma inside of them.

For the baby's that were given up there can be a host of unresolved issues too.

For the other family members on all side, emotions can be triggered that are difficult to deal with and often emerge as anger.

Take care of yourself and be gentle with everyone involved.

My mother had me 'out of wedlock' 60 years ago. She kept me, but the whole paternity thing was never mentioned or spoken about (she was a widow when she had me). I never knew who my father was, and even as a small child I somehow sensed it was not something to speak about. When I did find out who he was decades later (he was dead by then) I found a new half brother and sister. I could not bring myself to tell my mother that I'd found out who my father was, nor that I'd met his children. Somehow her shame rubbed off on to me, and it was only when the new sister said to me 'but you've done nothing wrong' that my eyes were opened.
I didn't want to highjack your thread but I find stories like this intensely relevant.
What I suppose i want to say is, just leave it with your mother. I think it's best to not worry or distress her any more. I know you want to be open and honest - and I'm now contradicting myself by advocating silence after talking about shame and secrecy - but I would give your mother peace about this, and continue to build your relationship with Sarah. Maybe, just maybe, once the shock and horror has died down for your mother she may come around.