Her rose-tinted view of my childhood is driving me crazy!

[boblin]

We have an odd relationship, we both are almost 'fake' with each other because of a past issue where my DM went NC with me as she didn't approve of my (then boyfriend) DH. This was years ago - We've moved on from this without much said about it, (suddenly she carried on like nothing had happened) my family like to brush things off rather than talk about it - but the relationship has always had a strained falseness to it.

I didn't have the worst childhood, but it wasn't great, there was a lot of emotional... threats? I don't think it warrants the abuse. My DM was very unbalanced, my Dsis and I felt we were often having to tiptoe around her to avoid outbursts. She didn't like us getting on, would often separate or punish us. She combated our sisterly alliance by having a favourite for that day or week, one of us would get praise, the other couldn't do anything right. It worked, I've only very recently had a friendly relationship with DSis, we've discussed it and her thoughts are my mother was jealous of us getting along. Both parents parented with fear. And the leading threat seemed to be abandonment. There was a lot of shouting and screaming I remember wetting myself out of fear a few times.

There's a lot of things I could write but that's not getting me to my point. I now have a young DC, my DM is besotted, which means she visits a lot more. DH and I are taking a gentle parenting approach, mainly because I now have crippling anxiety and I don't want to do that to my child and DM loves to praise us on our parenting, but regularly compares it to hers. How she was a wonderful, gentle mother, who would never say a cross word to her girls, (this woman once called me the root of all evil and problems in their house) and how our childhood must have been magical. If it was the odd comment, I wouldn't be too bothered, but it's every other sentence. It dominates the conversation.
I don't know what to say! Currently I ignore it but it's grating on me, I want to scream at her, I want to tell her how shit I felt growing up, how the constant fear of being rejected or kicked out has messed up my self worth as an adult. But what's the point? I'll just upset her, she's not the kind of woman who would admit to a fault and apologise. If I didn't have my DC, she would not hesitate to go NC with me if I voiced this, DH thinks I should 'because I hold all the cards' she wouldn't risk not seeing her only grandchild, so cannot enforce her usual punishment,(she's NC with several members of her family and my DFs.)

Basically, I'm asking what you would do? Shall I just ignore it all and keep up the false, pretend 'close' relationship she seems to think we have? Or do I say how I feel, and cause potentially I don't know what to start. I'm leaning towards the easy life, but the comments directly to me, to friends, to other family, really bothers me.

I’d just start replying “we clearly remember it very differently” every times she says anything. She controlled you as a child and that is what she is doing now to you.

There is no way I would be able to keep quiet based on what you’ve said.

Do not lean towards the easy life here re your mother. You had a rubbish childhood at the hands of your mother who was and remains abusive towards you. Its not your fault she is like this, you did not make her that way.

How about being true to yourself now?. Pretending just takes up even more of your own finite reserves of energy here. She was not a good parent to you or your sister when you were growing up and she really is not a great example of a grandmother to your child either. Would you have tolerated this from a friend, your mother is really no different.

You would never treat your DC in the ways your mother treated you. Were you hoping that somehow this time around (a forlorn hope), she would be better behaved with your own children?. Is this why you have allowed her to see you all now, someone who also has no contact with several members of her family?. How deep are you in your own FOG re your mother here?. FOG is an acronym for fear, obligation and guilt.

You do not mention your Dad here, is he still in your life?.

I would suggest you read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward as a starting point and post on the latest in the long running "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages. It could also help you no end.

I think you’re dh is right. She sounds pretty awful and manipulative. I can see she has conditioned you to keep quiet but it really is okay to say ‘no, that’s not how it was for me and dsis’ or you could see her much less - that is perfectly reasonable too.

I wouldn't let it go tbh (and I am in a similar situation and need to take my own advice.)
I'd juat say it more or less like you have here- when she's on about the way she was so lovely with you, I'd take a deep breath and say, Do you remember when you told me that I was the root of all evil? Or Do you remember when I wet myself because you frightened me?
She may go NC, but you shouldn't have to live a lie. She is still threatning you with abandonment in a way, by lying in this way. Stand up for that little girl you once were.

No way would I let that drop. You've got to say something. You also do call the shots in this situation so really you could say anything you want. Would you be bothered if she went NC with your children or are you keen to foster a good relationship?

I do hope your dc never see her alone.

My father's work meant he was away a lot. He'd range from teaching us swear words because it was funny, to showering us with treats and fun games, and in he next breath would be screaming in our faces. He was never physical, but used the fact he was towering and huge to intimidate us. My parents are still together (they always had a very volatile relationship we would be dragged into) but I don't think he enjoys seeing me now, he also went NC with me over DH years ago. Unlike my DM he can't fake it, therefore we tend to fall silent if left alone, and never really talk about anything beyond pleasantries when in company.

They try to be generous, give me things, offer to pay for things. I try not to accept as I feel conflicted.

I am, and was, a lot more submissive than my sister, who has called them out on several occasions, and is still in the fold. Maybe my mother makes the comments because she knows I'll never say anything.

I think just saying you remember it differently would be a start. I have done this with my own Mum.

I had quite a neglected childhood and one of the worst days of mine and my little sister's life was being locked out of the house by accident before school. We had to borrow clothes from a neighbour's male child and she had to take us to school.

My Mum doesn't remember this day, swears it never happened. Both my sister and I remember it because the humiliation of that day is burned in us forever, wearing boy's clothing and shoes that were way too big.

Plus my Mum wasn't even concerned about us at the time, just concerned that people would know she left us alone below the age of 8 to fend for ourselves every day, get ourselves up, dressed, fed, complete chores and go to school. She was also concerned because the tv had been left on all day

But I wouldn't let it go, I held my ground over it. It was my truth. I couldn't live with the denial for an easy life.

You said it would just upset her. So what? What are you afraid of? I learned a long time ago that I didn't have a close relationship with my Mum as a child but I can see why she parented the way she did. I didn't forgive her but we became close as adults. Sometimes we have to accept people for who they are, not as we want them to be. This goes for your Mum. I would say I remember it differently. And just because you don't remember it doesn't mean it didn't happen.

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Boblin,

Your father is not worthy of the term nor for that matter is your mother. Why am I not all that surprised either that your mother has stuck by him either?. Both your parents have failed you utterly here.

re your comment:-
"They try to be generous, give me things, offer to pay for things. I try not to accept as I feel conflicted"

Good on you for not accepting; they are simply trying to buy you off in doing this. Its also another way of wanting to control you and making you feel more obligated to them.

I don't know what the answer is but you must have been strong to endure that upbringing.
I don't think it's healthy for you to bottle this up and the closer she gets to your child the more influence she will have, do you want that?

I don't think saying anything would get you very far. She'll probably minimise and invalidate your feelings further and you'll be once again the 'problem' I'd take her fir what she is. But focus on you and your life your DH and your baby. Don't involve her anymore than your comfortable with. Keep her at arms length and take everything she says with a pinch of salt or greet it with silence then change the subject. She'll know. Don't invest in her and what she thinks too heavily - it'll eat you up. Easier said than done I know.

I’d find it hard to accept the rewriting of the past too.

What relationship do you want with her?

Does she play the victim if you say it straight? Start crying, say you are being horrible to her? I'm also not sure that confrontation would help. Maybe distraction, changing the subject, going in another room?

Thank you for suggesting I'm strong, but I am truly not. I have severe anxiety where I can't leave the house alone, I've finally referred myself to try CBT, but I couldn't answer the call, I then had a letter to say after 7 days the cancel the referral. I still can't call. I have better periods of time, currently I'm not great.

I don't leave my DC with them, or anyone actually, I don't trust anyone with them. And I'm very fearful I'll 'damage' them in some way, not in the same way - as I'll never behave like them, but with my anxiety etc.

I don't know what relationship I want. I was fine without them during the NC time, but carried on when contact started again. But sometimes I'm content with the false niceties, other times I'm filled with bubbling resentment. My DH remains neutral (but holds a grudge) because I've asked him to. I've still got that, "but they're my parents" mindset, maybe trying to reduce contact would help.

Yes, she won't argue, she'll scream and storm out, crying, being the victim. The idea of confrontation fills me with dread.

Could you get someone to go to the doctor's with you, so that you could get medication which would enable you to leave the house for CBT and talk on the phone? Is there some way you could arrange it by email?

I'd at least cut back on the number of visits. You need a break in between to recharge. Then make sure that the time of the visit is limited (arrange for visits an hour before child's nap or something).

Victim-playing is crap, there's no way to have even a polite discussion on the subject if they do that. You just end up totally stressed out.

I experienced this to a degree with my own parents. They had high expectations and didn't believe in praise but were quite critical. Nothing major in the way of abuse and it was all quite subtle so it left me confused about whether I was imagining it or not.
I had counselling and have talked to my sister about it lots over the years. We have been each other's therapy as it were along with a dear aunt who was able to confirm that it was not all in my head.
I made the decision to forgive and not confront because , like you , I knew they would never be able to face the truth. They present themselves as perfect parents and have always criticised other people's parenting . We had a Disney perfect childhood according to my mother !!
All 4 of us siblings have real issues with depression ( 2 severe ) and feelings of being worthless and never good enough.
My mother would be horrified to hear all this as she genuinely did her best along with my father who suffered a truly awful childhood and did well to be the dad he was in view of that. My mother has her own issues.
Anyway waffling now but the point I was making was that for me there was nothing to be gained by blowing open that can of worms so I healed myself as best I could ( still scars that are raw at times ) , forgave and let it go as much as I was able.( I still feel angry at times that I feel my life has been blighted by those feelings about myself.) None of that was easy I hasten to add but i have no regrets.
I am not saying that is right for you of course just sharing my experiences and sending you best wishes moving forward x

Mine just looks grim and says in a tight, passive aggressive voice that she "must have been an awful mother according to sister1", rolling her eyes as if you are meant to agree that sister1 is stupid. (No doubt she tells sister1 or sister2 the same sort of thing about me.) Full victim mode with crying if you call her out on rudeness. She suffers from massive self-esteem issues and can't take any form of criticism as to her, it means you are criticising everything about her, and not just the particular thing you didn't like.

I have found counselling massively helpful, and we don't meet up often as we live far apart, but still have no answer to how to deal with her on a bad day.

DH is right. You need to say something. You hold all the cards now!