DH seems to want to leave me

[getupdressupandshowup]

I'm devastated. I don't want that all. Pre-Christmas I thought we were planning a big holiday in 2019 for a milestone birthday (his). Now it seems I had it all wrong. We spent Christmas Day with his family and some of Boxing Day with his family too. The days between Christmas and New Year were spent with him giving me the silent treatment although he did say he wants some space. What is going on? I have a difficult relationship with DH's sister. I feel she has chosen to bad mouth me and tell DH he'd be better off not being with me. DH lost his mother at end of last year. I don't think he has started grieving yet. DH has always been embarrassed to show affection and has not told me he loves me for about 10 years. What has happened in the last few months? Advice please.

Do you have DC?
If so then how old are they?
What does he say when you ask him?
What would he say if you suggested joint counselling / therapy?
What is the housing situation?
There must be more to this?
Has he always been someone who Stonewalls?
Do you work? Have your own income? Access to finances?

No DC. Struggled for years TTC but unsuccessful.
He shrugs, looks away from me and closes his eyes and rubs the side of head like it's hurting him.
We own our house jointly, with a mortgage.
I want him to talk to me. I am saying to him that I am here to support him and that it takes a lot of time to grieve and I understand. I said that I am grieving for her too.

Yes has has always been one to stonewall (the whole of our marriage really). It was his way of coping.

I don;t want to cope outside of our marriage. I though he fancied me and any time I've asked him what time he'll be home from work it's because I wanted us to go out for dinner or get a takeaway or go to cinema. He works shifts and weekends a lot. I miss him massively and I thought his tiredness and erratic sleeping was grief and sadness and him wanting to process his mother's passing. Plus he was doing most of the organising and had to go to lots of appointments and go here and there and meet up with relatives to plan/write the tribute for her funeral. Now it feels as though he wanted to be anywhere except at home. When he was home he was sleeping (on sofa) and nodding off in an instant. He was tired and exhausted so much and was fighting a cold and fever. I looked after him and kept checking on him to make sure he was doing OK.One morning he had a fever and was shivering. I did what I could to get him more comfortable and was texting him to check he was doing OK. If he wasn't I could get home and get doctor to him. Could I really miss the fact he wanted out of our marriage?

Would he be open to suggestion of grief counselling? If he only lost his DM at the end of last year that's literally just weeks ago. Was it an unexpected death? It can sometimes take a while for grief to kick in.

If he's been dealing with all the practical and legal arrangements as well, it can be exhausting. He could also be depressed?

The trouble is that if he won't open to you, you're left filling in the blanks. I do feel for you but if he's always stonewalled you when you try and talk about anything emotive, I'm not sure he would even know how to open up.

It was his way of coping
Nope - that was his way of punishing and controlling you.
It's a horrible form of abuse.
Please get to a solicitor and see where you would stand if you divorced.
I know it's not what you want, but you can't save a marriage on your own. Knowledge is power!

I know from losing my sister last year that it takes a long to time to grieve.
10 months on and I'm still in denial phase.
I've no idea when I might accept what has happened.
So he may not be ready for counselling.
It may take many more months before he is ready.
I tried it early on and knew that it wasn't helping.
But none of this is an excuse to treat you like this.

Look at separation, as this is no way to live.
Life is short - very short. Don't live it like this.

Give him the space he wants.
Do you have somewhere you could go for a couple of weeks?
He won't understand the 'loss' of you until you are completely out of the picture.
Pack up some stuff, and get away for a bit.
Let him know that you respect his request for space and you'll give it to him.
That you won't contact him and he can contact you when he is ready.
It's the only option you have right now.

I've spent a lot of time sitting at home alone while he is at work. sometimes I do go out and see family and take myself off shopping or to cinema while he is at work. He does not ask me how my day has been or engage with me. For Christmas I knew he was busy running her and there to buy gifts (from his late mother) for his sister and her son. He did not want me to go with him when buying these gifts but showed me what he had bought when he got home. He not once asked me what I'd like from him for Christmas so I assumed he might have a gift in mind.On Christmas morning he gave me a gift, which was what I had secretly wanted him to get me.Then he said or you're really lucky as they only had one left. the gift is sadly faulty and when i saw the receipt he had paid for it at 5pm on Christmas Eve.I know it should not matter but if they had not had it in the stock room he'd have had no time to buy me a gift. He'd spent weeks researching and pondering what to buy for others. Because he is grieving I know his mind has been pre-occupied. I actually just want cuddles and him to look at me like he appreciates me for who I am. I am kind. I love animals. I love seeing the world and I want to do that with him. I know his shift work eats into our life. It wouldn't if he'd plan and organise things with me in advance but he seems to want to keep the shift hours secret and if he gets home from work hours before me he can watch TV and sleep. He won;t feed himself or wash up the stuff from the day before. He won't switch the heating on. He won't feed the animals and leaves them in the kitchen. He won't acknowledge the fact that when i get home from work I might want a bit of time to chill out. The sofa is covered with letters, unopened post and his coat and big work bag. I feel utterly invisible.

We have animals and I have to be there to feed and clean up after them. If he wants to leave he can and have a break from the stress of home life. We took on a rescue animal in last summer.I know he adored her to start with. If he wants out of our marriage he should be the one to relocate and he can start sorting out the financial stuff. I do not want him to leave. I want him to re-engage in our married life.

I’m finding your posts quite confusing. There’s nothing in them which actually states your DH has told you he wants to leave; just descriptions of how his behaviour has changed over the past few months since his mother’s death and how you don’t do much together - but this mostly seems to be because he’s at work. The behaviour you describe - lack of energy, being distant, sleeping a lot; not getting on top of basic tasks like feeding himself, tidying up, opening post, organising his affairs properly - sound a lot like somebody struggling with grief or depression.

Have you actually instigated a conversation with him? Been very blunt and asked “DH, you have been very distant with me and I neee to know whether this is a problem with our marriage or with your morher’s death because I want to help you if it’s the latter.”

If he’s struggling with bereavement, it’s sort of understandable that he’s not going to focus his attention on you and the rescue animals he previously adored.

He said: I need to decide if I want to live on my own. I need some space. I need to think.

We've had troubles in the past and out of frustration with him clamming up and ignoring me I'd moved to my parents house twice. That was my downfall. He liked living on his own, got his own way with the TV remotes and didn't have to bother washing and tidying or take care of himself. The last time I moved out was Nov 2017 for 2 weeks. I said I missed him and then I moved back home. Now, I know I need to stay put. If the grieving takes 1 year, 2 years or forever more I'll be there for him but not if he treats me badly. Respect is a fair expectation on both sides of a relationship I think.
I will try to suggest counselling but he's not one to open up. to anyone. Even his sister or father. For the back story: DH's mother and father were divorced a long time ago. DH remarried over 10 year ago. DH's mother had been terminally ill for a few years.

not DH. DH's father remarried !!