The parallels between abusive men and paedophiles.

[OrchidInTheSun]

I've not heard of this book but it sounds really interesting (if profoundly depressing). I totally agree that we need to shift the focus onto understanding how abusers work - treat the cause, not the symptoms.

www.independent.ie/irish-news/men-who-abuse-women-use-the-same-tactics-as-pedophiles-and-ive-never-met-one-who-wanted-to-change-says-author-of-how-he-gets-in-her-head-35681098.html

Oh FFS!

Yep, because all abusive men MUST also be paedophiles!

Does that mean all abusive women are also paedophiles?

Yep, because all abusive men MUST also be paedophiles

Nowhere in the article, or the OP does it say abusive men are paedophiles, it says they use the same tactics of grooming their victims. Perhaps try reading the article first next time.

I would totally believe this. My MIL’s partner is a convicted paedophile. He is also abusive to her. The child he abused he financially groomed, got in the good graces of her family by being a ‘saviour,’ helping out extended family, paying for school trips, etc. He did exactly the same with her. I have no doubt that those are tactics lots of abusers use (obviously not all of them, unlike this loser, are actual paedophiles).

'Parallels between' does not mean 'are' :hmm:

I was going to post this in feminism but thought it could do with a wider audience. Perhaps that was a mistake!

Very interesting article, thank you for posting.

Having been both groomed as a teenage girl, and then abused by my ex in every way possible, I agree with this. The pervert made me feel grown up and attractive, special, and as though out of all the girls in my school, even the popular and beautiful girls, I was the one that the bus driver fancied. And I was happy to keep it a secret because I stupidly thought it was a thrill and gave me status. My ex love bombed me at first, made me feel special, isolated me gradually from everyone - very familiar. I couldn't tell anyone because we were a unit, and I felt complicit in the abuse by pushing his buttons, in the same way I was complicit in the abuse that the bus driver committed.

I hadn't thought about it like that before and it is really chilling.

Well the both want to control

So of course it overlaps, manipulation being the key to how these people work

And rarely do those who abuse change, they may change tactics but the manipulation and control still goes on the physical/sexual abuse may not

That’s why sadly many victims of childhood sexual abuse can not make sense of what has happened to them and those of domestic violence they excuse the behaviour or there are reasons because the manipulation has run so deep and also the shame, anger and guilt they feel

It’s very complex to deal with but abuse is abuse it isn’t complex it’s always deliberate

but abuse is abuse it isn’t complex

I profoundly disagree with this statement when we're talking about CSA within the family.

How can someone outside the abusive relationship know what is going on? What are the tells (if they exist)? I know of man who is controlling and emotionally abusive in the family. But in addition to this, I've noticed he doesn't respect children's boundaries (when they say 'stop tickling' he insists on carrying on). Is this a red flag?

A really interesting article and yes depressing in that it doesn't sound like it supports positive rehabilitation for abusers but the the whole thing does make sense.
It definately resonates with me.
In fact a large percentage of what was written sounded like it was about my ex/relationship.
Thanks for sharing it.

Very helpful article, thanks OP

I agree there are apparently similar patterns among people who groom children for sexual abuse and men who groom partners to subsequently abuse them.

My issue with this article, and with the paedo discourse in principle, is that 'paedophile' is equated to 'sexual abuser of children' throughout the article. And that is simply not precise language. To top it off, the article ends with ''Mr Hennessy said that he has never encountered a man who wished to change his ways. "It’s a very sad thing but I've never met a man who came in and said I’ve behaved very badly and I want to stop," he said.'' Which, of course, courtesy the title, is then translated to all paedophiles.

This may not be a popular opinion, neither on here nor in general, but I have come to the conclusion that it is not helpful for society to conclude that paedophilic attaction equates acting on said attraction. There's a good documentary about it, which also features a paedophile who is dead set on not acting on this (he featues starting at 11:30 and at the end of the documentary, again). I think the message to these people needs to be: You have a choice, and whether you act or do not act on this makes a difference.

Yes Bloo that’s a massive red flag.

thefourgp: what would be other signs? I have a 'feeling' about this person - he is certainly controlling (he's having couple's counselling for it) - but I don't like to jump to conclusions. Suspecting someone of anything remotely linked to child abuse or paedophilia is, well, a big thing. When I read the article on this thread linking the behaviours something in me recognised it. Sorry, hard to explain!