Inconsistency, BPD abuse, friend in need of advice/support

[soulfulsun]

Asking for a friend, who's really struggling, emotionally.

She's a lesbian, and began dating a woman on her degree who displayed interest in her, but seemed unable to commit to anything official. Let's call the woman A. A came with the whole "I'm messed up. I have issues" narrative. From the start, she's been inconsistent - saying one thing (I can't commit), but then doing anything (spending all her time with friend, being super friendly/jokey/flirty with friend, being intimate with friend). What she has been consistent with, however, is her pattern of behaviour - getting very close during term (spending endless days at friend's flat, being intimate, opening herself up to friend) and then backing off and demanding space (sometimes even breaking the whole thing off) during any kind of holiday or break from university - and becoming really quite cold, vile and emotionally abusive during this period.

Friend reckons that A has BPD, and I don't disagree. Friend is really struggling to deal with her feelings in regards to A. She knows that A is terrible for her and that she should stop hoping/waiting for A to 'come back', but she feels unable to due to the intensity of her emotions and feelings of longing. Friend already struggles with depression, co-dependency and so forth. Also, the fact that they're on the same degree makes the whole thing all the more agonising for friend - she has to see A 3/4 times a week!

She feels totally unable to move on from this, or break away from A's pattern of abuse.

Any advice would be appreciated.

Thank you!

Why does your friend think A has BPD?

Could A have someone at home and your friend is for term time only.

Typo - 'then doing another'*

Oh that sounds so cruel by woman A. Its highly toxic, but sadly the intensity can make it addictive, she has your friend all drawn into a horrible controlling web.

Your friend really needs to call WA helpline. Get some real support in place, she is being bullied from what you say.

Ignore the BPD thoughts, it's a needless distraction and irrelevant. What matters is the appalling fallout for your friend, she will lose rsle completely in all this if she doesn't get some help to get strong soon.

Be all the support you can to her without judging her or telling her whato do. A good time to help her make the break for herself is during one of these holidays, when you could make some great plans together which include others from her course that she's friends with. She needs lots pof outside friendships to help her to see the healthy side of life again. Bless her, it wounds really horrible. You're a good friend.

Not rsle...*herself

I was locked in a cycle like this with someone I also think has BPD. Reading about intermittent reinforcement and trauma bonding helped me a lot.

What helped the most though was drawing the cycle on a bit of paper and committing it to memory. It made me feel in control when I could see where I was at any given time. For example for me it went:

1. Things are normal and good
2. Things get intense
3. Something happens that hurts me - he would withdraw, or say something mean, or more likely it would be like a light had been on me that just went off
4. I would withdraw coz I was hurt
5. He'd be super nice/kind/pursue me

Then back to one, rinse and repeat.

Seeing the cycle for what it was helped because it gave me a little control, and the more it went around and around the less hurt I got and the stronger I felt and was eventually able to remove myself. And when he was so kind and nice and so on I knew that it was just that point of the cycle so was less likely to think things were different this time.

As a note: NC did not work as it played into the cycle. I think that there are some situations where nc does more harm than good, what you need to do instead is manage contact in a low-key way. That's my view anyway.

Sounds like she has another person at home that she sees.