Im so Negative..

[itaintme]

Anyone else really negative? I struggle to see the good side of anything, my parents are this way so it probably has passed on to me, but I hate it, I really don't want to be like this. It's slowly ruining my life and affects relationships/friendships I have also.
Any suggestions on how to be more positive? Also any books, websites etc you recommend x thanks x

Sorry I can’t relate to being a pessimist, although everyone does have their moments with life events, stresses etc. I never feel so down or glass half empty about things. But I have worked hard on myself and having faith of things working out.

I do read a lot of self development books and watch/listen YouTube etc. It really depends on what you resonate with.

Affirmations are great statements to affirm, I am optimistic is an example. I say affirmations daily. Google the power of affirmations and it may help.

In terms of books I have read things like the secret, the power of now, how to heal your life. There a book that I’ve not read but heard good things and it’s called “you can be an optimist.”

The holy grail for me is gratitude. I start my day being grateful and end it being grateful. I have a journal I write all the things I am grateful for in. I also plan for things that give me joy. Sometimes you have to find your tribe, it’s not easy changing habits but you can totally do it!

If you have Netflix you could watch the secret on that before deciding if the book is for you or not. The magic is a really good book to co-incide if you read th secret. It gives you things to do every day for 30days.

Generally though I find it’s best to sit down undisturbed and ask my self questions to get clarity. You could maybe try the same concept. For example, why do you feel negative? What stops you from feeling more optimistic? Why do you allow pessimism to affect relationships? Why do you choose to live a life or negativity? Usually there’s an emotional reason behind things.

Start small so that you feel committed and don’t give up. I just want to say that I am in no means going to make out I’m positive polly all day everyday, but I know what my foundations are as a person. I definitely have moments of self doubt, and irritability, we are human it’s normal.

There will be something in your day that give you joy, joy is a positive emotion so focus on that and allow it to build up.

Good for you for taking ownership of how you feel! New year, new you and all that jazz

Do you feel depressed at all?

I can recommend some good books/resources for learning about your thought processes and adjusting your thinking patterns to be more balanced/realistic than negative. I’ll send them later :)

It might sound paradoxical but it isn't wrong to be "negative". There is a lot of social pressure at the moment about being "positive" but if this is just a veneer it isnt particularly healthy.

There's a book called "Smile or Die: How Positive Thinking Fooled America and the World" by Barbara Ehrenreich.

Some generations and cultures have placed a lot of value on introspection, facing up to life's negative aspects, expressing all feelings rather than always using the Positivity Filter. The Romantic writers and artists for example.

Would you say it's affecting your relationships because people only want to talk to the filtered you instead of the real you? I don't think happiness is something you switch on, it comes from within and isn't something you can force.

It might sound paradoxical but it isn't wrong to be "negative". There is a lot of social pressure at the moment about being "positive" but if this is just a veneer it isnt particularly healthy.

I do agree with that. Although, obviously, if you only see the tiny could in a bright blue sunny sky, you may want to readjust your thinknig. But all in all, negative emotions are valuable, too. If I were you and you haven't already, you might watch the Disney movie 'Indide Out' (mainly) for entertainment. It is a fun movie showing the importance of all your emotions (including sorrow) and their balance. It is also a great starting-point to start thinking about how your inner voices of joy, sorrow... interact. My 8 year old son now sometimes comments on his feelings by talking about the characters 'joy', 'sorrow'... I think it is good for him he reflects about his feeling like that.

@BF888 do you mind if I ask further about affirmations. Your post resonated with me as I am under counselling and need to boost my self-esteem, I have been advised to try to turn every negative thought into a positive thought which I find really hard to do.

I followed your suggestion and googled affirmations - some of the sites made a lot of sense and hopefully I have understood them correctly.

Do you choose one or two affirmations each day - and do you change them every day?

For today I have ' I beleive in, trust and have confidence in myself' and within a couple of repeats I felt a shift in my thoughts which I want to hang onto. There are also other phrases that I would like to use but I'm not sure whether I am overloading my brain at this early stage.

I will continue to google but lots of the sites were making affirmations of I am going to win the lottery and other such nonsense. I just want to change my mind so it looks for the good in things rather than the bad.

Any advise would be great

Negativity can certainly be a habit, of speech, of what you notice, thereby of what you think and feel. You can train yourself out of that by choosing to look at things differently and adopting different habits of speech. (e.g. why would you vocalise a negative observation to someone? What do you hope to achieve by doing that? What does it do for them?).

I know people who are habitually negative and they are draining and tedious to be around. I view it as a very selfish, self-absorbed habit, it is all about taking positive energy from other people and killing it dead, wasting it. Whereas what most people do is give out some positive energy themselves (even being neutrally pleasant achieves this) and, reflect other people's energy back to them, so that it is maintained or grows. This is part of having manners. Squashing other people's pleasantries is incredibly bad manners. Manners are learnt.

The habit of looking for good things to think and say can be practised. Start small and build it up, I think.

The point pp made about the value of allowing and exploring negative perceptions and ideas is very valid. That is very different from a habit of petty negativity though. It requires a willingness to grasp and explore an idea, let go of quotidian habit. That is the opposite of bumbling along trapped by your habits.

The good thing about habits is that, while powerful, they can be learned.

Do you exercise? Something high impact like running often gives you a natural high afterwards, that might help take you out of yourself and your comfort zone.

I am exactly the same. I always pick up on the negative things and always like a good whinge and a complain about something. It's not good for me and I am actively trying not to do this. I am trying to be really aware of what I say in conversations and try to be positive instead. If I catch myself saying something negative I try to counter it with something positive. I have realised that I have learnt this from my parents, mostly my dad, who is lovely but a right grumpy so and so who loves nothing more that to complain about politics and the state of things. I think trying to recognize when and why you think these things is really important but I agree that it is a bad habit to get out of.

@ceecee32

I am so thankful that my post resonated with you. I think it’s amazing that you’re working on yourself and focusing on improving your self-esteem. It’s not always easy and takes so more strength.

For affirmations I have a general bunch that I will say, but I have one for the month. I also have one for the year. I tend to make them up based on what I need.

You could too have an overall bunch that you say. Then one that you focus on- for a specific area that you’re focusing on. The one that you have found actually sounds perfect! I think I may use that one too ❤️ I also like I love and Approve of myself.

You may find the I AM affirmations good as they’re literally I AM followed by what you want affirm. So I AM Confident, I AM Joy, I AM love. If you can say these looking at yourself in the mirror, it sounds odd, initially it can be quite challenging, but you really can feel it.

You can say as many as you feel comfortable with. I’ve always liked having one main one that I will use for atleast 30days, plus a generic few that resonate. I would say do what you feel there’s no wrong way, if you want to have two that you say then go for it. Also try saying them for a few minutes at a time. It’s amazing how quickly you can feel the result though isn’t it!

If you can start your morning off with them and end your day with them, so that the first and last things you think of are positive, if you could tie this in with gratitude journaling I think you would begin to feel further improvement.

You may actually benefit from EFT if you YouTube it and look for a guy called Brad Yates. There’s so many videos and there are ones for self esteem etc. I find EFT very powerful and use it for a lot of things.

Also Bach remedies. They go way beyond rescue remedy, there’s so many and you can get some ones that are really suitable for the specific areas in life you want to work on including negative thought patterns.

I have found affirmations to be supercharged when using the mirror technique and also EFT. Here’s a link for Louise Hay she was a force of nature who healed so much of her life, www.louisehay.com/affirmations/

Do know though that it is okay to not always feel unicorns and rainbows, it really is finding a balance. Feeling good in yourself is such a great place to start.

I hope this helps, if you have any more questions feel free to PM.

I'm giving the side eye to any homepathy crap, but I definitely benefit from ending and starting each day with my gratitudes. Even if it's only "I woke up at 3am needing the toilet and didn't bang my shins into the bed frame"

@BF888

Thank you for your post with more information. Lots more to learn but you have pointed me in the right direction.
I have never done anything like this before but it seems right.

I might be back with more questions

ceecee

@notthefordtype homeopathy isn’t for everyone. I think a lot of things are like marmite for some. I love Bach remedies I do find them effective, there are others things I’ve tried though which haven’t been so it does swing in roundabouts. With most things I do people would probably think I’m nuts but I’ve not seen a doctor in over ten years so something must be working.

Haha yes! We are all grateful for when we get to keep our shins intact, I think even if people aren’t into positive thinking being grateful makes a huge difference even for stress levels.

@ceecee32 it’s so exciting for you and we all start somewhere, and you will figure out what you like along the way. it’s only the past few years I’ve done EFT and noticed a remarkable difference.

Visualisation is a good tool to, if you have a google and see what you think.

Best of luck 🍀

What is EFT?

@rhubarbisevil EFT ( Emotional Freedom Techniques) it sometimes known as tapping is a very easy technique to help overcome certain areas that we may feel need work. It can help with stress, anxiety, weight problems, pain and any emotional issue, plus much more.

It works a lot like acupuncture in the sense that you hit certain points (meridians) on the body using your fingertips so it’s completely painless. Some statements are said at the same time, that allow you to specifically work on the issue at hand.

A lot of therapists will use tapping in the treatments they offer, also a lot of respected people use the technique. Last time I flown with virgin Atlantic they also had it on their entertainment system for those who fear flying.

I’d recommend having a look at these links below for more information, if you’re interested, of course these things aren’t to everyones taste and I can only say that I and many others have found it beneficial.

Nick Ortner has a fantastic book (his brother has one for children) www.thetappingsolution.com

Brad Yates YouTube easy to follow videos or If you want to know more of what it looks like/technique. www.youtube.com/user/eftwizard/videos?disable_polymer=1&app=desktop

Great thread!

@VietnameseCrispyFish what books do you recommend please?

Sorry, didn’t get chance after work to send them over!

One great one is called Mind Over Mood.

Another is www.amazon.co.uk/Change-Your-Thinking-Overcome-Depression/dp/1600940528?tag=mumsnetforum-21

I’ll look later for some free online worksheets and courses too x

This is a great thread. I am so amazed that I feel that I need to report

My counsellor asked me to complete a journal and this was where I was to try to change each negative thought into a positive thought. I havent done it every day but its really been a pouring of negativity.

I tried affirmations for the first time yesterday - did a bit of EFT and after reporting this in my journal - I did a smiley face !!

It might only be a small step forward but its been the first smiley face since I had a bit of a breakdown in November.

:) :) :)

@ceecee32 that’s so amazing to hear! I’m sure your counsellor will be pleased to hear about the progress you’re making.

❤️

I actually like being a pessimist , does not mean I am unhappy.

Thanks so much for these awesome responses. Great advice x

Thank you BF. I’ll try tapping.

About what sort of things op?

Is it true (Eeorye style) pessimism or anxiety driven?

I an reading an Oliver Burkeman book called something The happiness antidote?? Its an Anti Self help book, much more up my street than affirmations etc. I can be a miserable bugger but know that NOBODY likes to be with a moany negative person so try to put stay optimistic and not negative with others. Just a constant reminder. I am looking forward to being a grumpy anti social old woman, I love it, its how I am. I'm not horrible or rude or dismissive, and smily but can be a bit moany about being old or whatever.
Oh and lowering standards helps, Expect traffic lights and jams, for example, then you won't be cross.