I can’t do this any more

[Catscratchclub]

I don’t know how to get out of this mess any more, I just want to run away but my son is sleeping beside me and i can’t do that to him. This is all going to come out jumbled but I need it out my head.

I was sexually abused by a family member as a child / teenager. My mum knew (not the full extent, but most of it) and did nothing except get me a place at boarding school, and despite years of therapy we have a really horrendous relationship. I get texts weekly slagging me off, saying I’m a bully, a terrible daughter, I’m letting my son down, I’m not looking after my boy, I’m ruining his life. I got a text like this a few days ago and then 20 mins later apologies. I can’t take the switching between emotions any more, I feel like I can’t breathe but I’m so scared of walking away from her, because she’s my mum and she’s all I have. I’m not blameless either - im horrible to her, I hate the raw person I am when she’s near me. I live in a house she owns and I know I have to move but I’m terrified, I feel safe here and it’s the only place my son has ever known.

My little boys dad has stopped paying school fees and so I’ve gone back to work. I have 2 businesses which I need to keep going as well and I’m exhausted and making a mess of everything. I feel like I’m stretched so thin, and it’s making me an awful person.

My son usually hates going to his dad (he doesn’t see him very often) but this weekend he flung himself in his arms. On the one hand I’m thrilled, but then I realise that’s how little fun he’s having here, that something he usually dreads is the better option. I am letting him down, he’s going to remember me glued to my phone telling him to leave me alone.

I don’t know how much longer I can hold this all together. I want to pay school fees and move out, but I’m scared of those financial commitments when I’m struggling so much. But then I feel horrendous that my little boys life will change so drastically because of me.

I moved house and schools all the time when I was younger and I never wanted that for my son. I feel an absolute failure, that I can’t provode this life for my son, that my own mum doesn’t even like me.

I miss my ex (he hit me, I can see the madness in that) and even he doesn’t want me. I had a fight with my business partner earlier and I need to apologise.

I just can’t do this. I want to run away, but I can’t because my gorgeous son deserves and needs me to hold it all together and I don’t know how to do that any more.

Please just tell me what to do, help me put one foot in front of another and make sense of this utter mess I’ve got myself into.

Op op you have an awful lot going on!

the thing that most stands out to me is how horrendous and scared, crops up a lot in your descriptions.
Maybe break it down into manageable chunks

Your ex is to be kept away from..end of.except for changeovers for your son.

Mend relations with your business partner straight away, they will be fine l expect once you apologise and explain.

How can you move out of your horrible mums house? that should take priority. what can you afford? A flat is better than being under her control.
Is the work strain too much? if so consider a state school, look at some and see if there is one you like that has space.

Your son needs a happy mum more than a private education, you need time to spend with him, only carry on privately educating, if you are confident you can manage and have time for your boy.

Your son will not be upset about a move if you make it an adventure, kids don't overthink like us, you are projecting your worries here, make it fun, talk about colours for his new room, cool furniture, a playspace etc. If you are excited he will be.

Only once you have sorted these issues can you strt on the difficult question of how much contact you have with your mum, if l were you l would go NC, you are criticising yourself through her words and this won't stop.

You and your son are a little family and do not need anyone who is not loving and supportive in it, do you have some good friends who can provide support, people who truly have your best interests at heart? Look around and find those kind good people and develop those friendships, make them your extended family and support.

Set your bar high for all your friends, you are worth being treated well, and your son absolutely is too.

I don't have personal experience with much of what you're saying but agree that you have an awful lot going on.

Break it down. What is most easily changed that needs changing? Start with that then you've taken a step and will feel like you're getting somewhere which may spur you on to change the next thing.

How do you get on with your business partner? Apologise, if you get on well and they aren't in the loop of what's going on, explain. You're partners. If they were going through a hard time wouldn't you do what you could to help ease their strain? I'm sure they would do the same as it's in both of your best interests.

Make a list of things you need to do or change and what steps you need to take maybe? It might seem like a lot written down but may give you some order, and writing it down will not change what you have to deal with. It will just mean you can formulate a plan and start making some changes, day by day, week by week, keeping your eye on the goal.

Give your son an hour of your time every day. Phone to one side, play games, watch TV together, engaging and talking about it, go for a walk. It doesn't need to be anything major but he will appreciate your time and attention and you will feel sooo good for you. That's the first change you can make really easily. Good luck to you. I sense someone with two businesses can rock this. You clearly have a good head on your shoulders and are very driven. Focus that drive where you need it. On you.