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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Disillusioned with Marriage in general

2 replies

user1479305498 · 20/01/2019 20:41

Went out with another couple last night but on my own as H wasn’t well. Conversation got round to the guy (who is middle class, 57, very senior position) talking about his colleagues and saying all the guys he worked with of all classes and ages constantly talked about porn, shared stuff around and were either seeing hookers or in affairs because they only had sex on average 10 times a year with wife/partner. He said all men are obsessed by sex and it’s the main thing they think about in his experience. Luckily his gf (my friend is mid 39s, no kids and very lovely and very very open minded) As someone whose H (at 54) seems to have become more sex/porn obsessed in recent years (which both annoys me and kills my self esteem) I didn’t say anything, but it did hit home. I think it’s a bit of a nightmare when many women’s interest declines (I know not everyone’s does ) but many men’s doesn’t. It seems to be a hard thing to compromise on, without somewhat feeling ‘obliged’ . I can see I feel now why a lot of marriages split at the 20 to 25 year stage, even though on paper life should be easier. All of the people I know who seem re invigorated are in newer relationships , even post 50 or having fun being single and enjoying it. Anyone else feel disillusioned in a similar way if that’s the kind of crap we have left to look forward to, or is it just me. Thing was I couldn’t deny it, because I have had that issue and so it seems have most of my older married friends.

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 20/01/2019 22:39

I am not sure it’s about marriages specifically. I think it’s about long relationships after the kids have started growing up.
These days, generally, people pair up in their 30s. Have kids, and spend mid 30s-40s rearing smallish children. Working hard to make a nice life.
Often relationship between the adults takes a second, place... or worse.
Then by 50s - kids are teenagers and adults look at each other and they’ve changed. And/or possibly grown appart.

And physical side of the relationship often suffered, and getting that back isn’t easy. I think, often, women don’t as much lose all desire, but rather lose it for their partners.
After years of little resentments, etc accumulating over the years of joint living and parenting and house-management, etc. And just plain feeling unappreciated.

So - yes. What you see is also what I see. People in late 40s - 50s in relationships that they didn’t envisage when they were younger.
So much unhappiness and numbness, and resentment on all sides.
And sure - affairs of all sorts.

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 20/01/2019 22:45

I think that's a bit sad. I won't say you're wrong, because I know at least a couple of friends in coercive controlling marriages and have a family member being a right dick just now. However, I do know people very happy in LTR.

I treasure my DH.

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