Feeling so low about everything

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I've had an awful two years. Bullies at work. Long hours. No recognition for hard work. Sexism, racism strife. I'm working on getting a new job though and hopefully should be able to move in a few months. In the meantime, my job is draining and every day is a battle. My confidence has been shot to sh!t and I don't feel like I have energy to start a new job. But I must force myself. Really feel like I'm at the end of what I can take.

Also in the past year I met a men I fell for hard and deep. First time in over 10 years, after a few dead end relationships where I felt nothing. But he was emotionally unavailable and emotionally abusive. Couldn't see it at the time though. Hot and cold. Would cry and run after me and say things would change when I tried to leave. Would tell me he couldn't understand why so many men looked at me (negging?). That he would sleep with most women (hinting I'm not special). That he didn't feel for me the way he felt for other women. He'd check out other women in my presence (objectively were less attractive). So many more stories, all very painful.

Background: he's manchild who has never had a girlfriend and still relies on his mum and dad to pay his credit card bills. Mental health problems as well.

Meanwhile, before the past couple of years, I was happy, confident and carefree. I'm nearly 35.

So scared I won't meet another men to feel that spark for, and also who would be good to me. After all, I rarely experience these sparks. One thing I really liked was that I could have sex with him every day and love it! I hadn't experienced that in 12 years of dating and relationships.

I find it so difficult to meet men who I fancy AND could form a meaningful relationship with. I've tried to compromise and give it a go with other men over the year but I don't fancy them and stop having sex and don't fall in love.

Because of all of the above, I am feeling so low, so down, I have no energy anymore. I go to the gym, see friends, family etc, own a beautiful home, have done lots of travelling, have hobbies etc. Life is busy, I don't stop, but I am lonely and burnt out. I've got to the point where I feel like giving up (not literally) but I simply have no hope for the future anymore.

I've been seeing a therapist, but that only goes so far - I say the same thing over and over again.

Just looking for some sympathy and words of encouragement.

Should add because of the guy, I have zero confidence in my body or looks. Also because of my age, I wonder if guys my age and slightly older will even want me. Most are shallow, aren't they, and looking for younger women. I feel awful, even though I clearly get a lot of interest in real life, I hardly do online - because men my age are looking for women in their 20s?

You need to find a good counsellor who will help you unravel all this unhappiness.
Do it soon.
You deserve to have a happy life OP.

"Should add because of the guy, I have zero confidence in my body or looks"

Fuck that guy. I'm a size 16-18 and I get plenty of guys who pay for sex.

Seek counselling from a sex-positive counsellor.

That guy's behaviour totally sucks. He may have problems but he still makes choices. But you don't need me to tell you that - you sound so aware and clued up. Does therapy help you understand why you fell for him? I'm guessing you saw what you wanted to see because that was preferable to what was really there, but at least you're not stuck in that groove, you don't sound it anyway.

I feel sorry for women today, I sometimes think it must be like after World War 1 when most of the young guys had died, only these days it's because they're dicks. Shallow, yes. Addicted to porn, yes. Lack of empathy, yes. But there are still decent guys, I know. And they won't be rejecting you because you're not in your 20s. You say you get a lot of interest in real life, but hardly ever online. I have no experience with online dating, but imho that constitutes a big plus. You sound REAL and interesting; maybe people are reacting to the actual, total you, not just a picture plus a bunch of stats or attributes.

As for the bullying, maybe you need to sharpen your teeth a little. I've been there, several times, and I always resisted the notion that maybe I attracted the bullying, because it sounds like victim blaming and I'm not into that. But the conclusion I came to after many years is not that I'm to blame, but that bullies can SMELL a person who's maybe a little passive, maybe a kind person who doesn't like to think ill of others, a whole list of personal qualities that, to a normal person, make you nice, but to a bully, make you an ideal target. And, I'm not saying put yourself in any danger. If you can avoid them, avoid them. But bullies are looking for easy victims, and when you bite, whether it's a 'Fuck OFF" or whatever it is, they move on to easier targets. After 2 years of submission, I had to fight my bully (at school). And I was losing the fight when it was broken up, but he left me utterly alone afterwards, not even a sneer. Later, at work, I got bullied again and in the end I called him out on it and I did it in a room with other people in it so he couldn't behave badly, and I demanded, and got, the grudgingest apology in the world otherwise I'd be going straight to his boss (who was across the room) and kicking up as much fuss as I could. Same result: he fucked off.

I wish you all the best. Get away from these assholes, hope your new job comes off. Show your real, kind, perceptive self to your real friends, the ones who've earned your respect, and cultivate an I-don't-have-to-take-shit-from-the-likes-of-you version of yourself for the rest.

Thanks pallasathena and you too NotTheFordType

EdWest thanks for your thoughtful reply, really appreciate it. I think I really liked him, and tried to overlook everything else, because the chemistry/spark I felt with him, I hadn't felt it in over ten years. So I clutched onto it. And you know how these men can be - they know how to play you. I'm still hurting 6 months on, but he's probably onto the next poor woman. I've never taken this long to get over someone, but I guess I felt deeply for him. Part of me thinks I wouldn't have looked twice if my work situation/life wasn't so poor!

Is it normal to be hurting this much after half a year? We dated for nearly a year. He really did some hurtful things, I also think this is why it's taking me a long time to get over it - it wasn't just incompatibility, he humiliated me time and time again, and I let it happen - something which I cannot believe, because I was normally very headstrong and avoided men like him in the past.

You're very likely a sensitive soul.
People like us feel things very deeply.