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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

A second reconsiliation?

2 replies

DM88 · 20/01/2019 17:33

Hi everyone I'll try and be brief on the background it'd been a roller coaster 3 months.

OK so 3 months ago my wife told me she didn't love me anymore and wants a divorce. We had been together 5 years married 2, during in this time I had some bouts of insecurity, my wife gets on with men more than women and would often chat to men online (platonic) I'd get a little jelous, we'd dicuss it she'd stop we'd move on. Yes it was wrong of her to allow my insecurities to dictate however due to this she built up resentment. She told me it was partially her fault because she never voiced this resentment to me and if she had maybe when wouldn't have fallen out of love.

I did what most husbands do and tried to get her back, hopefully make her see things can be better etc, it wasn't working and she went the other way. We carried on living together because we couldn't afford for neither of us to move out (we also have also a 2 year old daughter so it made it easier).

I attended marriage counciling alone my wife saying she had no interest in going. I came back from the session positive, the councilor asked if I would ask my wife to come, I asked again and she agreed to see her alone. She saw the councilor and came home telling me shed like to work on us.

We were a bit for shaky for a while, trying to rebuild us better. My wife had struck up up a friendship with a man online however they talked all day and everyday. My wife didn't see this as a problem. A few occasional arguments and set backs followed. Then we saw the councilor together, this session was amazing. We discussed my wife's use of her phone, the councilor told her it was not healthy and she needed to put less energy into her phone and more into us. My wife was happy with this and did just that. she told me she had blocked this guy so that she didn't talk to him anymore but it had nothing to do with me. OK i thought. For the next few days things were great. Full affection, telling me she loves me the lot.

Then today she's back on her phone. I pry as the councilor told us we need to be more open and in the loop. Who you chatting to today I ask. Just my friend Jane she tells me. Great alls well we are communicating. Only i notice she's on her phone most of the day, I'm Annoyed but keep quiet. Then her phone rings. It's the guy she said she cut out... she looks at me and I ask why she didn't tell me they are talking again. She gets angry very fast. Says she's fed up of the questions and wants an divorce. That she doesn't love me, she's just been pretending for the last 3 months hoping it will come back.

She then hits me with loads of things such as she doesn't trust me. The councilor was wrong, that I've manipulated the councilor into saying what I want to happen. All kinds of paranoia. All because I caught her out in a lie. She quickly went from loving wife again to cold and distant telling me she despises me and wants nothing to do with me. She's moving to her mum's tommorow.

After all this i still love her, I want this to work out for my daughters and families sake. I love my wife dearly and have tried everything to show her things are different. But the slightest thing has pushed her way off. Am I stupid for still wanting this to work out? My family and friends think I'm crazy for wanting to make this work. I just want my happy life back, we had it an few days ago now I'm not sure if she ever wanted this at all and has been playing me or if she's just saying these things in anger?

The guy lives down south and we are up north. He's married and my wife talks to his wife sometimes I don't believe itit's anything other than platonic.

OP posts:
Lozzerbmc · 21/01/2019 23:20

Hello this is awful for you but i’m sorry that i think your wife no longer wishes to be in the marriage. She has checked out emotionally by the sound of it

MMmomDD · 21/01/2019 23:41

It’s all so confusing - what does she talk abot to all those platonic friends and their wives?
Where does she meet them?
What does she get you of it?
It sounds almost like an addition, no?

Most confusingly - if you DO know for sure these are platonic sort of conversations - why you feel so insecure and couldn’t just let her be, even AFTER she already told you this is/has been destroying her feelings for you.

So - after you try to reconcile - and change the dynamic - both of you quickly reverted to old ways.
Her resentment came up again she she said she wanted out....

Not sure what can be done at this point.
Unless - both of you face your issues -
You - your insecurity and need to control her
Her - her looking for some fulfilment and/or some fantasy life

So - unless you both deal with your individual issues - nothing can change

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