Protecting friend

[Kashyyk76]

A mutual friend told me my wife has cheated on me. How do I use this information without compromising the mutual friend?

Just confront your wife and say you’re not telling her how you know.

She's a hard headed scientist- she'll want evidence.

But even if you had the evidence she would demand more evidence. A liar will only admit to what you can prove. How is the relationship generally?

@Aloneforeverandever True that.
Well ... It’s a little more complicated... I had an emotional affair late last year with a work colleague.

Wife found out - gave me a really tough time about it (she wanted to put us both in trouble with our bosses, she was staking my colleague on social media, she threatened to set up a fake Tinder profile for my colleague, etc etc.).

Then our mutual friend told me she had an affair two years ago - just following our couples therapy session. Wife confided her affair in mutual friend.

My! What a busy and exciting life you both lead!

@Theunsungsong Thanks. Can you offer any advice?

Apart from divorce, no.

Kashy
This situation is caused by someone who broke her trust. It’s envitable. Your affair was only going to lead to this.

Ask her?
It’s on your mind .. just ask her 🤷🏻‍♀️ Esp. If the said friend is a trustworthy source of information and has no ulterior motive in telling you this .. seems odd tbh that the ‘truth’ only comes out after 2yrs .. if the friend is perhaps the only other one that knows besides wife & ‘Om’ surely it will be outing anyway🤔 If I told on a friend I will be prepared to stand by my statement .. no need to hide or now not want to be involved in the outcome of what I have said.

Your affair was only going to lead to this.

The affair was before the emotional affair.

What do you hope to achieve by confronting her; It sounds like you just want to tip the scales of power in your favour?

Doesn't sound like a healthy relationship to be honest....

My advice is end the marriage, that is unless you want to spend the rest of your life playing 'power games' (yawn)

@Hanab Thank you. I will. My friend felt bad about the treatment I was getting (I didn't share all the things wife wanted to do and has done) especially based on wife's hypocrisy. She (friend) expected wife to be little more understanding and mature based on her prior indiscretions.

@Boysandbuses Thanks for clarification

@Closetbeanmuncher
Agree. Not a healthy relationship.
Wife wants to challenge me for the house (which is in my name). Under our current marriage contract - everything is split 50/50 from time of marriage until dissolution. She wants me to give her the house and leave - seeing that I ‘wronged’ her with my affair.

I just hope said friend does not want you for herself ... I have read some real eye opening stories on these type of platforms! .. ps: if you think wife is worth working out things with so marriage can be saved then please do give it a go.
I know lots of people say divorce .. I am old school, try to fix things first, if not possible then move on.

From your posts you both have strayed albeit not confirmed as yet for wife and you say yours was just emotional.

Best of luck OP

How did your friend find out? Could you say you were the one who saw the evidence for example If it was "I saw them at this place" you could say you saw them yourself for example.

@Hanab No - friend is happily married with kids
Have not been in good space - hence couples therapy which I suggested (wife was reluctant - we had no problem with our relationship, only me, she said). She cancelled it after 8 out of 10 sessions - felt it hurtful, punitive and shock to her system. Made her question all the efforts she had put into our relationship.

@sirmione16 She confided all the details, times, places etc in my friend. Some trips were out of the country ... while my wife told me she was in country.
I was looking for my wife’s passport - that she normally keeps at home, but can’t find it anymore.

@Kashyyk76 any email confirmations you could search for? Is there a Tracker/GPS on the car you could see past routes on (to airports/hotels)?

What’s an emotional affair? Sorry to be dumb. Can this friend suggest where you can find evidence? Like a phone etc. If you can find the evidence you can just say you come across it. I understand you don’t want to sell your friend out. But if this friend wanted to tell you & now won’t have you say how you know what did she expect you to do about it?

The brazen cheek of her is pretty staggering to say the least.

Do you have children? just thinking of anything that could go in her favour regarding splitting of assets, right to remain in the house etc.

@sirmione16 Nope - sorry. Do not have that kind of evidence.

@Lou0219
www.verywellmind.com/emotional-affairs-and-infidelity-2303091

The details of the affair were confided to my friend - that's the only evidence I have.

@Closetbeanmuncher No - we do not have kids (only 2 cats). The house is the most contentious asset right now.

Would the friend be willing to speak up given whats at stake for you?

How did your wife tell the friend? if it was by text or call she could say her husband saw text/ overheard conversation and told you?

Irrespective of whether you are able to get hard 'proof' (which only she can provide by giving you access to her passport/finances etc), this marriage is over.

With no kids in the mix, just remain business like re splitting your assets and finances.
The divorce courts don't consider who had what affair when dividing assets, so don't be emotionally manipulated into walking away with less than your fair share.
You should have called time on it after she cancelled the counselling sessions.

Just confront her with the details you do know.
Don't tell her who told you though - just say the manner in which you found out is all the proof you need.

Well - even if she didn’t have her affair - and it was only your transgression - it’d still be ubreasonable for her to expect you to give up your share of assets.
If there were kids - than maybe a different split could be expected, etc.

So - instead of playing a silly game of who is more moral here - why don’t you just file for divorce and proceed the legal way.
There aren’t winners in this situation.

@Closetbeanmuncher @HeebieJeebies456 @MMmomDD Totally agree.

Quick status update

1.	Spoke to wife- she admitted to her affair and that she had an emotional affair and still has feelings for him, a year after they ended it (only because his wife found out). 
2.	Three days before she left on a business trip - she admitted to leaving the country to see him. He put her up in a hotel, where they had sex. In between, they did touristy things, got to meet his best friends and cousins. She almost relished telling me all the details - little or no remorse.  
3.	Did not give up my friend - I told her that I did some research, went through her old messages, old cellphone bills etc. To this day, she is convinced that his wife contacted me anonymously with all the details. Also, I pointed out the larger issue and not how I found out. 
4.	She is adamant that what I did was way worse than what she did - because she kept respected me and our marriage by keeping her affair away from me and not asking for a divorce; whereas I had my affair under her nose and disrespected her by asking for a divorce. Wtf?? There are no winners and no losers here...
5.	In the process of signing divorce papers again (started last year, stopped when she found about my emotional affair). She’s dragging her heels-too busy with work, etc etc but that’s a different post/thread. 

Thanks everybody on this thread for your help, suggestions and advice - sincerely appreciated :)
Lesson to anyone in any relationship- be honest, upfront and regular in communicating how you feel, expectations, what’s working and what’s not.
Best wishes.

I'm glad you've decided to go ahead with the divorce @kashyyk76 she sounds absolutely vile.

Don't engage in anymore arguments, you won't get any sense out of her and this tit for tat isn't good for you.... Proceed with a clear head, and pin her down (not literally of course) to sign the papers.

Good luck