Wife says she does not love me / does not feel the same

[FamilyMan75]

Hello all, can I please have some HELP! My wife has just told me she does not love me / feel the same and I'm heartbroken.

We've been together for 8 years / married for 3 and have 2 wonderful children. The first 5 years were the happiest of my life but will openly admit the last 3 have been difficult. This was about the same time financially we had to start working opposite shifts (never get the same day off) and our youngest started showing signs of autism. Don't get me wrong, we collectivity adore our kids and would not change them, but presents new challenges to face. We would both admit supporting out youngest can be an exhausting task.

As for my wife & I, this is also when the relationship started to change. I in nature are very open and find it healthy to talk, (possibly too much) while my wife is the complete opposite. This has caused stress and frustration both sides.

Well over a year ago it's was becoming more apparent my wife was not happy & I was trying anything to alter it. I work long hours, the kids present challenges (hyperactivity) & ultimately we are never together to share the weight. My wife also periodically show signs of anxiety /depression (which she has battled before we were together). I pleaded with her to see a doc / counselling or even confined in her parents but she did not want this. This causes frustration in me (my worst traits - among others) and only worsen the situation. However we said we would make it work - but honestly believe we didn't really make the investment.

I / we suggested "date nights" etc - but all that really resulted in was sitting at home at the dinner table. We have not had a night without the kids in 5yrs and only managed two nights out last year. This is the complete opposite of the 1st 5yrs. As we spend so little time together - when we do the pressure just ruins it from the start.

All I know is she does not love me - but don't know what she wants to do. This is killing me. I admit I'm far from perfect but Invested in this for the long term! Personally I'm scared I may be the casualty from what is a combination of wider factors.

We are a few week don't the line and we are being civil. She has finally spoken to someone and counselling should follow. I wanted relationship counselling - but think it might be impossible to do both at the same time?? I have good & bad days, it's the limbo that is effecting my health.

Too me I / we have too much invested to throw the towel in at this stage

Apologies for the length of the above, but it's my life. I love my kids and wife sincerely.

Any advice welcome.

Is she interested in working on this? Is there anything you can do with your work hours without financial issues?

Thanks so much for the response.

Honestly, I don't know. I have suggest trimming hours - but also don't want that to be perceived I telling her what to do.

She feels suffocated - to which I will play a part (especially with trying to face these issues) but ultimately we would be in a worse financial situation if we split. I don't want that to be a driver - but ultimately we are adults and parents.

Additionally I think she / we needs some support with our youngest development needs - but I want to be there with her (wife) hand in hand. I want time at home to be a good thing not bad. She had had too much on her shoulders for too long (and surprised it) I just don't want any long term knee jerk decisions now. Theres too much focus on the difficulties of the past, which I think is damaging to us both.

Scared we will be / are past the point of no return.

As for me, I've explained at work I'm having difficulties at hime and must put the family 1st. This means I'm getting home about 1hr earlier each day.

When I started working opposite shifts to my ExP (there was other issues too) everything went down hill. granted you need x amount of money to pay bills etc but I learnt a lot from my last relationship & never ever again will I keep a job, working hours at the expense of my family, ever.

Me & my partner both work long hours on shift but the same days, soon we will be faced with one of us leaving to a new Monday - Friday job or working complete opposite shifts due to childcare & I will loose 18k a year in order not too loose my family. It's far from ideal and sickening financially but working opposite shifts is not family life & it would not work (we only have 1DC who is 9, I can't imagine the pressure if you had younger children)

If your wife wants to resolve things relationship counselling sounds great however it sounds as if you both just need to re jig your work life & get some extra support for your DC, I imagine if you can do these two things you will be less stressed, have more time for each other & be able to parent together & you will both feel a lot happier :)

Thing is, it's not just up to you. I can feel the intensity from your posts and I'm guessing you're not leaving her any room to breathe atm, wanting to 'talk it out' constantly type of thing?

She doesn't need your permission to end the relationship if she wants. Emotionally it doesn't sound as if her needs are being met. I know you're willing to act now but it might be too late for that.

Take a step back from the constant badgering to sort things out. Put a holiday in and spend some time with the kids, give her a breather.

Thanks both I appreciate your words. Xches - I think the shifts certainly took a toll, and went and in hand the autism discovery amplifying the issue.

As for "gamer" thanks too. I hear what you are saying. I know I have pushed but it's difficult to see someone you care for so much suffer 'in silence', especially if that caused them harm in the past. Thankfully she has now opened up to a professional for support.