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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Do I walk away or try and help him?

17 replies

UltraVioletx · 20/01/2019 11:48

I done a post yesterday, but my mind can't stop doing overtime.

I have been with my partner for around 6 months(not very long) but we were completely and utterly in awe of each other... then I started to realise the cracks, he couldn't deal with stress and when he was stressed hed run straight to the bottle... he didn't do it all the time but once every few weeks it would happen.

We found out I was pregnant around 3 weeks ago and both of us were ecstatic, (MOSTLY ME, because I was told I could be infertile) Sad but then this miracle happened and I honestly thought it was fate to have this child with him, he already has a child from a previous relationship and he's a fabulous daddy... then all of a sudden he changed his whole attitude with me, he left me to go drinking when I was having pains... I'll admit I threw him out because of the stress he was causing me but he decided to go have a drink knowing I was waiting for a mw to call me back.

He then decided to go out again last night and then get into contact with one of MY friends trying to make himself look better, he admitted to her about the drink but tried blaming me for the horrible things I've said... I'll admit my hormones have been making me a little crazy and I've been snappy but I don't think I deserve any of this.

The one thing I can't get out of my head, is that he regrets getting me pregnant... it hurts... I have given him everything in the last 6 months, we've known ecahother for years but we really connected and even though we haven't been together for long.. I was happy he was going to be the daddy to my little one..

I don't think that anyone will ever be enough for him, but I'm torn between fighting for him and trying to help get help for our family... or walking away Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 20/01/2019 11:50

Don't walk, run.

lilybetsy · 20/01/2019 11:50

Walk away. It’s supposed to be a happy time. There is nothing but heartache for you if you stay. Will you keep the baby?

NameChangeNugget · 20/01/2019 12:06

Run

Oliversmumsarmy · 20/01/2019 12:13

Run. You have a baby to worry about.

As you said he hits the bottle when he is stressed. That is for him to work out not you.

You can't fix everyone. You have to look after yourself first and your child. There is no room for an adult who also needs looking after.

There are always going to be stressful times

Dirtybadger · 20/01/2019 12:18

He's an alcoholic. You can't fix him. Run. If he wants help me can visit his GP and local alcolohic and substance misuse services.

pissedonatrain · 20/01/2019 12:23

He's a drunk. You can't help him or fix him. You can't help or fix anyone.

If he wants help, he knows where to get it.

Don't waste your life with a drunk.

Boysandbuses · 20/01/2019 12:26

Walk away. This isn't going to work.

To be honest it sound s as from both sides.

You kicked an alcoholic out then expected him to be hanging around waiting. You blame snapping and and saying horrible things on hormones.....that's not ok.

He has a drink problem. He doesn't really want the baby. You got pregnant too soon, I totally get it was a surprise and you are Happy. But 6 months isn't long enough to know eachother. I would be terrified if I had got pregnant to do after 6 months. So I can understand him being scared and perhaps not wanting it.

You were still in the honeymoon period and then real life hit you both in a big way.

Put you and your baby first. Walk away.

Apileofballyhoo · 20/01/2019 12:27

Run.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 20/01/2019 12:33

There is absolutely nothing you will be able to do to help him. Nothing!

Alcoholics can't take help. They have to ask for it. Anything you do will be a waste of your time and emotions.

Step back. Make the best decision for you and your child. Let him do the same, if he can. But please, don't expect anything from him other than more heartaches.

Best of luck

AgentJohnson · 20/01/2019 12:47

Knowing someone and being in a relationship with them are two very different things. It turns out you didn’t know him as well as you thought you did but now you do, walk away. Seriously OP if you know he medicates his stress with alcohol, what did you realistically expect he’d do with impeding fatherhood?

The honeymoon is well and truly over, base your decisions on his actions and not the obvious BS he’s told in the last six months.

Closetbeanmuncher · 20/01/2019 12:59

Only he can fix himself. You're going to be a mum and that should take absolute priority.

I'm probably going to get flamed for this, but if this man is your priority then you're not ready to have a child, and shouldn't continue with the pregnancy.

Don't bring this shit storm into your child's life

Look after yourself. Flowers

Snappedandfarted2019 · 20/01/2019 13:03

You don’t this man from Adam regardless if you’ve known him years as someone else stated it’s different being in a relationship with someone. I speak from experience of falling pregnant in a new relationship where there were red flags he was extremely emotionally abuvise towards me run

Original poster
UltraVioletx · 20/01/2019 14:09

Of course I am going to keep the baby in to reply to someone on here! Just because I'm not with the dad anymore doesn't mean I can't be a got mother, I will be the best I can.. I'm lucky I have the most supportive friends and family.

He is not more important than my child and no one will ever be! I just wanted to know if other women would try and help him, but after more things have surficed my session is that I am walking away for good.

If he proved to me he can be a good day to my baby, I'll always allow him access.. I'm not a women who takes my own feelings and uses the child as a weapon, but I feel have to be keeping an eye on his drinking... he admitted today he choose alcohol over men and the baby and I'm glad I heard that now, I 100% know what I have go do.

Thank you for the advice, I will be looking after myself and baby from now on because the baby is the most important person.

OP posts:
MitziK · 20/01/2019 14:34

Run. And don't allow him unsupervised access, because there's a high chance he'll be too pissed to notice if your baby is choking, will leave the baby in his home alone whilst he goes round the corner to buy more alcohol and would be a risk to him/her at all times in passing out whilst holding and potentially crushing the poor child.

But you'll be told 'I would never drink around a child/how could you possibly say such a thing'.

Run.

Run.

Run.

NotANotMan · 20/01/2019 14:37

Never, ever put yourself in a position of 'helping' an addict from inside a relationship with them. It's thankless, pointless and soul destroying.
If you have a child it's even more important to maintain barriers. If he wants to seek help he will do it. In the meantime make plans to raise your lovely baby on your own.

DogDayMorning · 20/01/2019 14:47

If he’s the father then you don’t allow him access to the child. It is the child’s right and his responsibility, not your choice. Good luck spending the next 18 years linked to this guy OP

pointythings · 20/01/2019 15:01

You can't help an alcoholic. Only an alcoholic can help themselves.

The fact that he chose booze over you says it all - walk away.

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