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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Feel like I'm walking on eggshells constantly

15 replies

Mummyto4weestars · 20/01/2019 09:57

Hi,
Help, I feel like I'm walking on eggshells all the time. I told my partner almost a year ago for the first time I wanted to split up. Due to his behaviour. Coming home from work and proceeding to spending most of the night in the kitchen smoking weed & drinking most nights, whilst I feed bathe and put or 3dd to bed. Everytime I would mention how much I hate this he would just shrug his shoulders and say he's been working all day, like I just sit around doing nothing. He also has other kids that stay over at weekends and for as long as I can remember it's me that gets up on weekends with all the kids makes their breakfast and all other meals, cleans up after them etc. He again can't see why this would bother me, I just feel like he doesn't pull his weight. If we have an argument he calls me the worst names & expects me to pretend like it didn't happen the next day. On other occasions he'll fall out with me for no reason and go on to ignore me for a few days then out of the blue he'll decide in his head that he's over it and things are fine again. I again am expected to just go back to normal.

So after 2 weeks of not speaking at all he asked if we could sit down and talk and I agreed. He promised he would stop smoking weed, cut down on the drinking, help out more around the house and help out more with the kids. Which he did for a month or so before the smoking and drinking gradually got worse again and he stopped helping out so much. So I have found myself going round in circles, giving him chance after chance & have finally decided that it's over once and for all. He's never going to change I know that & I don't want my dd's around this any more as I'm so unhappy all the time and I know it isnt fair on them I'm also pregnant (which was not planned).

So I guess the reason for this post is I just needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
Queenofthedrivensnow · 20/01/2019 10:11

Another ultimatum? His behaviour is awful but there's a glimmer of recognition of it from him.

WH1SPERS · 20/01/2019 10:13

That’s good that you have finally made a decision OP. At last you can make plans and not be hanging around waiting for him to get his shit together .

Hauskat · 20/01/2019 10:17

This sounds like an awful way to live. You must feel very powerless waiting for him to change. But I know you must be really strong because it sounds like you are looking after those kids on your own. Can you imagine doing that with out his mind games and abuse? I don’t think any one ever changes unless they are really sure you are leaving. Weed and alcohol being factors imo make it much less likely that he will find the motivation.

Mummyto4weestars · 20/01/2019 10:29

It is awful & I know it's for the best. I know I will be happier on my own with my kids. It's just really hard to break away. I don't work and don't claim benefits as he works, so I don't actually have any income other than what I get for dd's and as long as we're under the same roof I can't claim anything, therefore can't save so I'm well and truly screwed on that front. Just have to hope he leaves like he has said he would and that it doesn't take to long for that to happen.

OP posts:
WH1SPERS · 20/01/2019 10:35

Can you pay the rent and bills on your own ? Have you worked out what benefits your might be entitled to and what child support he will have to pay ?

How often are the kids going to stay with him ?

mummmy2017 · 20/01/2019 10:40

Who is on the tenancy?
This is what dictates what happens much of the time.

PhilomenaButterfly · 20/01/2019 10:42

You know we're all going to say LTB. Flowers

Mummyto4weestars · 20/01/2019 11:53

We are both on the tenancy. It is joint. I have checked what I would be entitled to but as he is still here I can't claim because I can't prove that we have actually split up. I can pay the rent council tax and buy food any other bills I can't pay and won't pay. I need to feed my kids. Haven't discussed the kids at the moment as on previous occasions when I have said I would like him to leave he says he won't see the kids anymore and I can't handle him telling me he won't have contact with them. I don't for a second believe he would cut contact he just knows it hurts me when he says it. So again have no idea what he would have to pay in regards to CM

OP posts:
Musti · 20/01/2019 13:43

If you have split up you can start claiming. Go and speak to cab and they will help. Also look at getting a part time job because you will be supported by tax credits.

WH1SPERS · 21/01/2019 07:42

Do you know his weekly income ? You can work out online how much CM he would have to pay.

It depends on how many nights a week he would have the kids, looks like you can assume it will be none Sad Angry

Also what kind of bastard threatens to abandon his kids to manipulate and control their mother !

BTW I know you says he’s your partner and not your husband but just checking that you are not legally married and the 3 kids are his ?

Mummyto4weestars · 21/01/2019 08:27

I know his income & already worked out what I would be entitled to. Waiting for Cab to get back to me with an appointment, hopefully figure out what I can claim if anything just now. We aren't married and the 3dd's are his as is the new baby

OP posts:
lifebegins50 · 21/01/2019 09:00

Does he pay CMS to the other children?

How many children does he have on total?
Whilst this is awful for you, its worse for your children so for them I would make the separation happen.

Musti · 21/01/2019 09:20

I was able to start claiming tax credits even though I was living together with my ex. I didn't realise until I spoke to someone at the job centre. My friend also started claiming when she was still living with her ex.

MarieG10 · 21/01/2019 09:25

You have made the right decision. Stay strong

Mummyto4weestars · 21/01/2019 09:40

He has another two dd's and pays cms.
I already claim child tax credits for kids, it would change slightly when the claim changes from a joint to single claim. But it's mainly being able to claim income support for myself at the moment. Being pregnant and having a 2 year old going bk to work isn't really an option at the minute. Cab has just opened. So going to see if I can get an appointment. All information I have come across online says I can't claim because he still lives here xx

OP posts:
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