Need to regain my identity but don't know how

[MaitlandGirl]

It's just occurred to me that everything I do is for other people and it's usually to my detriment. It's silly things, like turning on the TVs for background noise as DW hates silence when I was actually enjoying some peace and quiet, not cooking pork as no one else's likes it even though it's my favourite meat and even giving up on having my dream large breed dog as DW is worried we won't be able to pick him up on the off chance he needs carrying to the car for veterinary treatment.

It's really starting to get me down and I'm exhausted from constantly giving to other people and neglecting myself. It doesn't help that I'm DWs full time carer and never get a break. The kids help where they can but they're all busy with full time work and university. I study via the open university to try and keep my brain active but I'm struggling to keep my grades up as DW needs so much of my time.

How can I regain myself without neglecting my role as carer? I'm so worried that if I don't start doing something that's just for myself that there's going to be a huge argument that we can't come back from. I never get to leave the house by myself due to DWs needs and DW isn't able to make any household decisions (bills and stuff) so that all falls to me too.

DW is very fragile mentally at the moment and will take anything I say as a personal attack so I need to be careful.

It seems like you're walking on eggshells - I know the feeling. I gave up my work yesterday as I felt it had reached a point where they were taking advantage of me - asking me to do things that were for their benefits and detrimental to myself.

I have the same relationships with friends, they are takers and never ever noticed what I do for them. I had to keep my distance from some of my family and friends, unfortunately, you cannot do that to your DW.

People do not notice people like you and I until we stop doing what we were doing for them.

I'd imagine that's what being a full-time carer is... you just become a service for them if you're not careful. Can you get help/respite and do some things just for you? I admire you, I simply could not be a carer, I love myself and my autonomy too much.

Op that sounds extremely oppressive.

You obviously have a strong sense of duty, but you're still a person in your own right.
Having breathing space is not neglectful - it's necessary to avoid burnout!

Requiring additional care does not give anyone a free pass to dictate every detail of another person's existance.

Have you looked into outsourcing any care for DW, (not all just a proportion)?

Reading between the lines she feels vulnerable, and is terrified of being abandoned but then doesn't help herself by playing armchair dictator in the home.

Pitch outsourced care to her as having someone in to help you with your carers role....

You need to leave the house every now and again to restore sanity.

Getting dog is great thing for carers to . I would suggest going on site like " borrow my dog" and walk and dog sit the large bread dogs that you would like and see how it fits into the home .
My dr has lot of information for carers and care forums.
Look into that .
carers.org
There are also boards on here that might be of help.
Ring ss and say you can't cope .

Try to fit something into every day that gives you joy. I'm currently rediscovering things that give me great joy after many years of being too frazzled/ busy/ unhappy to bother, and it makes such a difference. For me it's music and singing, talking books, puzzles and jigsaws, dancing round the kitchen while I'm making the supper etc but you'll have your own things. It's made a massive difference to my life.

One thing that has helped to save my sanity in the past was listening to Radio 4 - you obviously like to keep your mind active, and the beauty of radio is you can listen to it while you're doing the chores or driving. So many interesting programmes on there that you wouldn't have thought to listen to, but you get sucked in, it's fascinating and you learn so much. Prioritise your own happiness levels a bit, and good luck. This is the most miserable time of the year anyway, but spring will soon be here and that will help us all!

Thanks for all the replies - it’s really helped to get an outside perspective.

The past year has been really hard for us, we knew there were MH problems when we got together but there have been some additional health problems diagnosed over the past year which has badly affected her MH and also the medication she can take. We’ve also had a tough year with my youngest (18), which has seriously added to the stress.

To answer some of the points raised - we do have dogs already, 3 hairy little beasts who are adorable but not my dream breed (but I suppose if I stacked them on top of each other they’d almost be a proper sized dog lol).

SS here are useless and there only suggestion has been sectioning, which isn’t the answer as it’s the combination of the newly diagnosed physical problem that is causing all the strain.

We’re in the middle of an Australian heatwave (average temps since Christmas have been 38C during the day (been 45C most of last week) and 29C at night - which is just awful. DW has a seizure disorder and can’t overheat or she has a seizure so our aircon has been running 24/7. $500 for the months electricity bill has added even more stress into a tight post Christmas / pre January birthday budget. We’re both really looking froward to winter as the colder weather really helps, and the lower risk of a bushfire evacuation will mean more opportunities for us to go out and not worry about the house burning down while we’re away.

We’re both pretty exhausted at the moment which is making me more grumpy and less able to deal with everyday issues but I’ve told the kids (all over 18) I need more help. University doesn’t start for another month so the younger two have got time to get themselves more independent and less reliant on me.

DS (23) is going to sit down with me this week and go over the household budget to see what gets paid out so he’s more aware of the cost involved with everything and see what he can pay directly rather than pay me board and then I have to pay all the bills.

I also booked a cheap holiday, for DW and I, when I was awake overnight. It’s not till the end of the year and it’s only for 5 nights (cruise to Tasmania) on the understanding that if DW isn’t well enough to come I’ll take DS and the girls will stay at home with DW. It’s during the uni break so they’ll both be at home anyway.

Just about to go to another medical appointment for DW then I’m going to stop at the butchers and buy myself some pork for lunch. I figured stuff the lot of them as (in the words of our current pork board advertising campaign) “I need some pork on my fork”!