Workaholic?!

[anonamum123]

So, I'm looking for a little reassurance really..

I've been with my partner 9 years now, we have two young children and he has always worked about 70/80 hour weeks. He is very passionate about his career and I admire his drive and determination to succeed. He is a good man and loves our children very much.. hes a great dad when home, and awake but our life very much revolves around his work needs.

My problem is that when I need support, I feel like he's not with me. We recently experienced a pregnancy loss, and I had to go through the whole experience (scan to find out, surgical procedure) alone as he was working. I feel like I deal with all 'real life' issues solo and it's really getting me down.. he's always so tired from work that he can't discuss my issues, the majority of our limited time together is spent discussing his work. Even after our youngest was born, and being re-admitted to hosp postnatally - he dropped me at the hospital doors as he needed to work, while a relative cared my our children. Yes, I always knew he worked these hours and, materialistically, I live a very nice life because of his career, but I can't shake this lonely feeling off. I should also say that I've tried discussing this but the conversation is quickly shut down by him, he says that I can't drop anything.. but I don't feel like it's done until there's a resolution, maybe there isn't one?

Basically, I'm wondering what people do with workaholic partners? Just accept it and look purely at the positives, ignoring the niggles? Or will I end up severely resenting his absence creating a rift between us?

Sorry for the long post 🙄

Hi there, been in your situation for 30 years. No amount of discussion over these years has changed things. These men seem to have a one track mind which is work, work, work & blow anything else. I’ve tried to be understanding, tolerant, moody, had rows about it but to no avail. I’ve now given up because I’m exhausted with trying to get him to see things from my point of view & how I mostly feel ignored & second best & yes, alone. He sometimes has said he’ll change things but he never ever does. I think basically these are good men that are there for us but work always comes first & always will. How would we feel if we had to struggle financially because our men weren’t hardworking is something to consider, the flip side of the coin so to speak, I guess that wouldn’t be a bundle of laughs either. I do know where you’re coming from though & it’s not a happy place. I’ve often considered leaving but I’m still here. I don’t have any advice sadly, just letting you know I’m in your shoes & sail in your boat xx

I was married to one of these for 20 years and no, they don't change.

What I understand now is that it's really just a way of opting out of family life and things they don't fancy doing because it's boring or not about them.

Sorry.

My DP is devoted to his career, a vocation. Essentially it is part of him and not negotiable. A lot of people wouldn’t accept it in a partner and that is their choice. I choose him and continue to do so. However I do point out the downsides for him. I also don’t enable him nor do I sacrifice my career for him. I have my time with friends and hobbies. Essentially I am quite self reliant.

He does and did see his children are more important and ensures he has time for them. He does offer to be there for serious hospital appointments. People can work long hours and still contribute and want to contribute to real life stuff. No job career or vocation demands that, even front line jobs.

As others have said he is what he is. The question is how does that work for you. You really need to think long term about what it means because he isn’t going to change.

When you "dated" how much time did he make available to spend with you doing leisure stuff together? Did he run his own home and life or outsource it?

He should have just as much time to spend with you and the DC now. If he ran his home then and now you do it that is more of his time free to spend as leisure time....

All those claims of he needs to work more hours, nope he needs to work smarter!!! All those long lunches and after work drinks/meals - that's his leisure time of choice leaving you to do the grunt work!

I admire people with this level of purpose and direction. Everyone is different though, so if it’s not for you, you need to take action

Thanks for the replies, I also admire this level of drive and I love him very much.. I think the difficulty is when I am lacking in support which becomes much more apparent when we should be going through something together but I have to manage alone.

I also struggle that my career is on a total stop due to his commitments. I absolutely love caring for my children and I'm sure it will get easier as they get a little older tho.

It's nice to find others who are relatable. I guess I do need to think long term and it's very true he won't change, I don't want him to really, I just want him to prioritise me occasionally.