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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

If you thought your partner was cheating...

24 replies

NextNewUserName · 19/01/2019 22:08

... How far would you go for proof?

So as to not drip feed, I was on DHs phone the other day (he was having trouble finding something on a site and passed me the phone to look, I wasn't snooping), and as I opened a new tab the Google window pops up with the most visited site. 1st place was Adultwork. Com. For those who don't know its a network of escorts / sex cams / pay per view porn etc. I didn't say anything at the time as wasn't sure what the site was. He works away a lot and we both masturbate / use porn and toys etc when alone so I assumed it was normal porn.

He's away at the moment so I don't want to bring it up as it would be easy for him to deny and delete any evidence from his phone.

What do I do now? I've checked the bank account I have access to and can't see transactions relating to the site. He does get paid some of his wages in cash so if he was meeting someone in person it would be easy enough for him to pay without withdrawing large sums of cash, plus no paper trail.

Am I overthinking it? Do i bring it up when he's home and ask to look at his phone immediately? I don't want to be the paranoid wife but I don't want it playing on my mind either.

We've always been open about sex and stuff, but paying for sexual services is a step top far, whether it's in person or via some live sex show.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Confused1681 · 19/01/2019 22:13

Do those sites have log ins? Could you try and log in with his email to see?

Will be hard to trace with the cash payment element. I would feel suspicious too but there isn’t enough to go on here.

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 19/01/2019 22:33

Yes you log in with user name and password, not just email. His email login is saved to the family computer but there was northing on there so he's either deleted everything or has a separate account.

OP posts:

Whatdoyouknowwhenyouknownowt · 19/01/2019 22:36

Timeline on maps?

I'd look at that.

butterflywings37 · 19/01/2019 22:40

Is it cheating if he has just watched porn?

JaneyJimplin · 19/01/2019 22:40

Definitely seems like he's either up to no good, or is considering it. Unless this could be a pop-up when he's been looking at a regular porn site?

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 19/01/2019 22:44

butterflywings no, of course not. As I said in the OP we both watch porn and that's not my issue. This site isn't porn though. You can pay to see images and videos of the women on their but the primary goal is cams and escorts.

OP posts:

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 19/01/2019 22:46

Time line wouldn't tell me much as he travels so much for work I wouldn't know what was legit and what wasn't.

It's not a pop up, it's his most frequently visited page.

OP posts:

coplings · 19/01/2019 22:49

How long is he away for op? Id have to get good of the phone and probably discreetly when he got back

gentlyscented · 19/01/2019 23:01

I'd go all cid and follow him. But then I am a lunatic and dh can vouch for that 🙈

penelopepig · 19/01/2019 23:08

I have friends in the industry and that particular site has a loooooot of traffic for people just watching porn. I wouldn't be worried.
Most of my SW friends have channels on there for people to pay for extra content which I would say is most likely, he may have a favourite particular performer who has content on there.

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 19/01/2019 23:11

Thanks penelopepig that helps put my mind at ease. There is so much free porn though it baffles me why he would pay?? We're not exactly flush with cash.

Is there free porn on there that I'm missing?

OP posts:

winteryslippers · 19/01/2019 23:21

It won't appear as the website name on his bank statements, it will have a different name,

Check the FAQ for clues to which company will appear on statements

SuperSuperSuper · 19/01/2019 23:27

Maybe he wants to try something different that you can't obtain for free - webcam for example. I wouldn't be happy but I would not assume escorts or physical contact.

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/01/2019 23:41

Sounds very ropey to me, sorry op.

You'd have to be a complete mug to pay for porn these days...Not buying it

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/01/2019 23:44

You would have to get hold of the phone again and have to go through it all, but if he gets paid partially in cash and you can't see any transactions relating to adult work??

Alarm bells ...

lisalisa · 20/01/2019 00:23

What’s timeline on maps ?

custardcream1000 · 20/01/2019 00:36

If you can get on his phone and access the site from there, then click on the username box and it might have his username stored. If so, many sites have the option to click forgot password and they will send a new password code to the mobile or email the user has saved. You should then be able to reset the password and access his account if he has one.

I really hope it's not anything dodgy and he has just been paying for porn.

oinkoinksnort · 22/01/2019 22:05

@NextNewUserName yes, there's a lot of free porn but if there's a particular actor/actress he likes, they will only have limited free stuff online.
It's a huge huge website that covers all kinds of things.
It's actually one of the more ethical ones too as they run extensive checks as to verify the ages of any performers on there.

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 05/02/2019 10:28

Update. He's come home for a few days and I didn't bring it up. Checked his phone and history had been deleted. He's away tonight but his old tablet is here so I thought I'd check that. His Google account is an email address I didn't know he had. I tried to access passwords to saved sites and its helpfully sent a notification to his phone to allow, so next time he looks he'll know I've been snooping. He has several hookup accounts which he hasn't saved the passwords to. Any further digging will just send more security alerts so I'm waiting for him to call me. I'll ask him to let me access so I can see what he's been upto but the tip off may well mean he destroys any evidence before I get a chance to look.

I don't know what to do. I want proof before I potentially rip our family apart.

OP posts:

Ragnarhairybreetches · 05/02/2019 10:38

I think you have the proof already, not as much as you'd like, but passwords to several hookup sites is enough. He will minimise it and delete everything but if it was nothing, he wouldn't need to would he?

user1479305498 · 05/02/2019 13:24

How do you know OP he has hook up accounts.? Was it in history on the tablet?

Original poster

NextNewUserName · 05/02/2019 13:28

Browser history had been deleted from his phone (all android devices which sync accross them all) but under his saved passwords page you can see what websites he has accounts with. A couple had passwords saved, and a separate much longer list he had opted to not save the passwords for. The fact that I even looked at the passwords page on his tablet sent a security notification to his phone so he'll know I've tried to access his accounts. He's not phoned me yet to ask why, though.

OP posts:

Dexra · 05/02/2019 13:40

I think you've got your answer there then, OP. So sorry. I imagine he'll be furiously deleting but you know now.

Myheartbelongsto · 05/02/2019 13:41

And he won't!

You have the proof you need.

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