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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husbands feelings changed

27 replies

Situation · 19/01/2019 22:02

I read some threads regarding husbands changing. Which are old, I still wanted to share my story as I think there are lots of other wives who been through similar situations.

I’m not sure how this works as I am new to it.

I was told by husband 2 months ago that he doesn’t love me any more. Loves cares for me as mother of his children. We have been married for 18 years. So he is planning to move out. He is saying he’s just not happy, no other reason is given.

Yes my whole world has shattered in front of me. I feel ashamed, weak, hopeless and non worthy.

As I could feel pain of other people on Mum’s net I thought I will share this. As misery loves company.

I know it’s painful, people say it heals but the longer we spend, rely, and love him the deeper the wound will be. I don’t see my wound healing ever.

OP posts:
RhubarbTea · 19/01/2019 22:33

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Sadly, in my experience in this type of situation there is almost always someone else. I hope you are able to find local support so you can get through this time.

DBML · 19/01/2019 22:38

I’m so sorry you are going through this.

I know it doesn’t help, but it is true that you’ll feel better one day. Just take one day at a time. You’ll have good and bad days and probably some downright awful days, but you’ll come through the other end eventually.

I read a thread on mumsnet the other day, where a poster came back to her thread after five years. The ending she had was a very happy one and a pleasure to read. One day you can do the same.

MissLanesAmericanCousin · 20/01/2019 01:56

For you, Flowers Sad

Gina2012 · 20/01/2019 02:16

Sending you love

Stay strong

We will help you all we can

WeeWheels72 · 20/01/2019 06:55

I got that from mine too, felt like my world had ended, all those years.....gone. Fast forward to over a year, and I may not be 'there' yet, my life is good. I find I love being my own person. Yes he did find someone in a blink of an eyelid, that hurt so much, but now I'm seeing that the person I had married, want the person he is now. You can and will get through it, MN is a wonderful place, to find people in the same place as you, and you can lean on them, they know how you are feeling. Stay strong.....show he how strong you can be.....it does get better x

HustleRussell · 20/01/2019 08:33

People who say that it is someone else are talking rubbish - hardly a gone conclusion is it?

People change and feelings change unfortunately as time moves on.

Ianhislopsconscience · 20/01/2019 08:53

Sadly the fact is that men rarely voluntarily leave a seemingly reasonable relationship without having a warm bed to hop right into. Chercher la femme.
“Yes he did find someone in a blink of an eye” read “left because of affair and they waited some time to go public”

She’ll come out of the woodwork in the next 3 months.
Sorry OP. It really is shit. Keep putting one foot in front of the other and one day you will wake up realising that you have got your life back and it’s bigger better and shinier than before..

WhoKnewBeefStew · 20/01/2019 08:55

It’s horrid OP and I really feel for you Flowers I’m not one to jump on the OW bandwagon but 9 times out of 10, when I man rolls out the ‘I love you, but I’m not in love with you’ line there is usually another interest either started or waiting in the wings.

Try and get your financials in order and see a solicitor. Start divorce proceedings yourself and basically strike whilst he’s feeling guilty.

Musti · 20/01/2019 08:59

The guy I'm seeing only started seeing me months after he'd moved out and a year after they had decided to split. It doesn't always mean OW.

Ianhislopsconscience · 20/01/2019 09:01

No it doesn’t but prob 9 times out of 10 Sad

Lozzerbmc · 20/01/2019 09:02

Sorry to hear this is happening to you; its like the rug has been pulled from underneath you- i remember it well. You’ll have bad says of course but then ok days and then after a while you’ll realise you’ve had a good day. I echo what someone else said about discovering yourself. I had been in marriage from 21 to 35 (together since 18) and i didnt know anything else. But i didnt want it to end and it was hard thinking of an unknown future. I used to just deal with each day as best i could. After a while i felt quite liberated and went on a trip to china on my own. My confidence soared! 14 yrs on i’m with someone much more suited to me we’re happy and have a lovely son. (One of the reasons marriage ended was the strain of ivf!)
I’m sorry to say that i suspect there is someone else, so prepare for that - men dont usually end marriages unless there is, but i hope im wrong.

Practically i would get legal advice on your financial and house situation. How old are your children? How are they taking it? Hope you have good friends and family close by - let them help and support you.

Neverexpected2 · 20/01/2019 09:15

Sorry to hear you're going through this. I got the same "admission" from my husband of 21 years ie didn't love me anymore etc. He left. Was with a work colleague straight away. Turns out they'd been shagging for previous 6 months.

Original poster
Situation · 20/01/2019 09:37

Thank you for your advice people. I’m finding it very hard to comprehend that HE could say all this and mean it. Feels like a different man.
I’m getting emotional, weak and helpless throughout the day and work is tough as I don’t want people to know.

OP posts:
HarrietOh · 20/01/2019 09:46

I’m 3 years on from the same. It’s incredibly tough but you will get there. Be kind to yourself in these early days and reach out to friends and family for support.

Mine also turned out to have OW from work, it’s usually the case.

Pockybot · 20/01/2019 09:59

Also some individual counselling can really help, with someone good. It can be a real turning point. Don’t waste too much energy thinking re OW but yes it is a possibility.

AugustRanger · 20/01/2019 10:11

My husband left two weeks ago after telling me he wasn't in love with me anymore and that he only stayed with me so long because of the kids. Its hearbreaking and one minute I'm crying and heartbroken and then the next I'm thinking how much of a knob head he is and I'm better off without him. He has mental health issues and we've had problems for years. Despite my pain I know we won't ever get this sorted and it really is the end of the line for us. I know there isn't another woman yet but there will be soon. He's decided he wants the 'lads' life again and me and our 3 kids are not part of it. It sounds daft cos we didn't even have a lovey dovey type relationship and he was rarely affectionate. But I don't want to be on my own. I know he's not the right person and I hope in time and once all this is over I'll meet someone who will love me and be able to show it. Sending love and hugs x

Original poster
Situation · 20/01/2019 10:15

I’ve asked if he’s seeing someone else he says NO.
I started some counciling through work. To be honest it’s not helping my emotions or helping me accept all this

OP posts:
Original poster
Situation · 20/01/2019 10:18

He’s always been loving caring and supportive. Never been nasty disrespectful. I don’t want Lose him.
I have always treated him the same way. Never has big dramas in the 18 years

OP posts:
YesitsJacqueline · 20/01/2019 10:24

Op I think it's helpful to remember that your feelings right now are entirely normal. I was in your shoes this time last year and I was beating myself up for not being stronger, if you know what I mean.
Maybe differently to you , I fell out of love with my ex a long time ago due to the way he treated me, but i was still devastated that I could not make things work, if only for the sake of my son.
However I accepted that it's normal to feel anger / sadness/ helplessness and that helped me heal.
As for telling people, you don't have to, until you feel ready. Concentrate on yourself.
Xxx

rosabug · 20/01/2019 10:44

I really don't think it is helpful for the OP to get these weirdly triumphal "there's another woman in the wings" replies - in what way does that help the OP and what she is going through?

Whatever has happened or is about to reveal itself (if anything) the fact is your relationship is over. My 20 year relationship ended 2 years ago. That 2 years included 6 months of heavy discussion, horrible truths and revelations, earth shattering arguments and so many many tears.

Eventually I had to totally disengage for my own sanity. So I guess it's been 18 months of no contact. I don't even know his address. We have a grown up daughter and I hear bits and bobs from her. I don't know if he seeing anyone, but actually it's kind of irrelevant anyway.

At this early point in your story, you can only take it a day at a time. I would advise getting a counsellor. My once a week appointment got me over the worst. I still have a few tears maybe once or twice a week, but it's mainly when I think about the hurt that I endured.

I'm 57 now so I'm not sure what sort of life I can build for myself from this point on. So if you are younger then that's a blessing.

You know - nothing lasts forever. Nothing. I wouldn't go back to the old me stuck in that relationship - even though he technically left me - or rather detonated the bomb. If I had known then, what I have learned about myself, life and love since - I would have been brave enough to end it 10 - 12 years ago, because I didn't know then that I could survive and prosper. And there will come a point where you will feel the same.

I will say one word to you that a good friend said to me at the time. I wrote it on a tiny piece of paper and put in a locket with a photo of my mother and wore it every day. That word is COURAGE my friend.

Courage.

This will require profound bravery from you - and you will do it. You will prevail for yourself and your children. Good luck.

Laylajaney · 20/01/2019 10:59

I really feel for you. Two and a half years ago I found out my husband was having an affair. He said he loved her and couldnt think of anything else during this time . He was just flattered, he now tells me . She eventually made a fool of him.
He also tells me he never stopped loving me . How does that work?
We are separated but still in same house .We were married for 43 years. We have family all around us.
Im still devasted and am still contemplating moving out when my grandson whom I sometimes babysit before school reaches about twelve and a half.I dont like th eidea of him going to school as alatch key kid -childcare is very expensive .
I some ways things seem more clear cut for you . There isnt so much confusion -he is honest at least . I feel sorry this has happened to you .I hope you can remain friends.

Original poster
Situation · 20/01/2019 11:05

Thank you people xxx

OP posts:
YesitsJacqueline · 20/01/2019 11:11

I just wanted to add that I have only just told my wider circle ( school mum friends, work colleagues) that ex and I have split and the circumstances, and I have had nothing but support. At first I was petrified of sympathy and being seen as a victim, but mainly it has been others sharing their experiences with me, which has helped massively. One or 2 mums at the school are going through exactly the same thing which has been useful , we all know what each other are going through.
As pp said , one day at a time.

YesitsJacqueline · 20/01/2019 11:13

See a solicitor as soon as you can and you will have some practical things to put in place that will focus you.
If you get the ball rolling you are taking back a little control .
Big hugs

RhubarbTea · 20/01/2019 11:30

I think it is useful to understand that there is probably (although not certainly - but probably) someone else, because it helps you to understand the reality and get your stuff organised. Otherwise people can waste months trying to make something work, hoping their ex will return when in actual fact they have mentally checked out and are giving all their energy to someone else. It's not said to hurt the OP, but to spare them pain and wasted energy further down the road.
Hope you're alright OP. You'll get through this. And I agree with those who say you need to get some legal advice so you at least know where you stand.