Have posted before about husband having severe mental health issues but using these as a scaffold to justify him just being awful to me, strops, swearing, calling me fucking disgusting and then pathetic when I say it’s hurtful on a daily basis in front of our daughter. Ultimately at the moment and over the last few years because of his OCD and other issues I’ve given in to his ‘needs’ which looking back is enabling behaviour, which has lead to this narrative where he can be as horrid as he feels fit, then calm down over shutting himself away for hours or days, then apologising. I know it’s verging on emotional abuse and was teetering on the edge of leaving over the last few weeks, but I know I need to do everything I can first- otherwise the guilt will kill me.
Back story- we’ve been together since uni, both late thirties DD 3. He works full time, I did until DD and have been part time since. Both work in education, I was far above him before DD but he has now overtaken me so that’s also changed the dynamic and he often brings up things I ‘should’ be doing, then rips me to shreds when they’re not done to his standards.
Anyway, after an awful week including added outside stress on his part meaning I had to do all parenting duties all week, he had repeatedly said he would do everything today and tomorrow to make up for it (but 2days doesn’t =7+abuse). He kept on saying how much he wanted to spend time with me etc and even now he’s still not sat with me, except when I said I need to have that chat we discussed. I basically had said to him each time he’d apologied this week we need to reset the boundaries because this isn’t working. Tonight I stopped him and said I need to say this and we need to move forward. I basically said from now on, absolutely no swearing or name calling. The words pathetic and disgusting are vetoed. He kept bringing it back being like ‘well if you’re saying that you need to think about what you did to make me say it’ to which I said it’s always a choice and even though I have MHP too, I choose not to take it out on him. I’ve said if he doesn’t comply we will not share a bed. I know he’s not taken it seriously but when I go zero tolerance from here will it work?? Can I raise my expectations from shit to a tiny bit of respect?? This is my last ditch attempt at sorting this mess out or DD and I will end up living with my parents... which would be heartbreaking. Has anyone every tried this? Really hope someone can shine a light at the end of the tunnel! At this point I’ve been so hurt over the past few years that I don’t even know if it’s worth savings anymore 