Silence - day 6

[Saturdaynightblues]

Evening all,
I don't really know what I'm hoping to get posting this but feel so lonely and frustrated I need to let this out and maybe get another perspective.

DH and I had an argument last Sunday, it was about a situation with his children (my stepchildren) that makes him very happy but me very sad. It's not something we can resolve but we communicate really badly, especially about these types of issues. He is defensive and retreats and I want to talk and vent and end up being the persuer which makes me absolutely livid, depressed and sad. The more I try to talk, provoke a response, shout, get upset the more he retreats, walks off, ignores me. It's a terrible cycle.

So Sunday night I asked him if we were going to talk about this and he said no, he was tired and he went to bed. I am so sick of his withdrawal every time we have conflict. I would much rather screaming and shouting than silence or repression. I find it soul destroying. On Monday he tried to make small talk by asking me something about the house. I was very short with him. I didn't set out to totally stop speaking to him but we are on day 6 now and have barely spoken 10 words. I cannot believe it. I wanted to give him a taste of his own medicine, it's horrible to be shut down when you want to talk. I was hoping he would see that you don't get anywhere by not talking. Even arguing would get us closer to discussion, or make us feel alive but silence is almost like being dead. I can barely stand it, yet feel like I can't give in. I am always the one to try to start talking and I just cannot take this anymore, I feel resentful and it makes me feel less important and lonely. Part of me is interested to see how long he will carry on but he's much better at this than me.

I feel like screaming at him, I vary from being tearful, sad, livid and just flat. I don't understand it but know I'm part of the problem, this time I am ignoring him too but usually I get very angry and often end up shouting. If I give in and start speaking I'm worried I'll get wildly emotional. I feel like going to stay in a hotel but have 2 small children and also pregnant so not really an option. I really want him to say 'come on, let's talk', but I don't know if he will or when. I never would have imagined we wouldn't speak for this long. He's currently sat across from me, on his phone. I could ask him to talk, and I may end up doing so but I know I'll feel so angry that he could do this and I had to make the first move yet again.

I know the potential for this to cause real damage to our relationship is great. I feel full of resentment, anger and hurt. I have no idea how we got to this. I am going to write a letter to myself tonight to try to get my feelings in order so that if we ever speak again I can try to explain my feelings about all these things in a calm and rational way, at least have the words to use anyway. I cannot understand how he just doesn't care - he seems totally fine. It's an utterly miserable and soul destroying way to live.

Oh love this is awful. My exh used to stonewall me like that for weeks. It was a horrible way to live. I would be seriously thinking about leaving this relationship. At the very least you need some relationship counselling; though I somehow doubt he would be interested.

The question is, what is your limit? What is too much? Leaving whilst pregnant and with small children will be hard, but this is unworkable. You’ll never resolve anything. You’ll learn to never mention the things that cause you pain. You’ll walk on eggshells to avoid the cold shoulder. This is not how it’s supposed to be

This sounds awful OP, I was in a relationship where my ex did this all the time, I remember all those feelings you've described well. I hope today has been better! Being pregnant and having young children is hard enough with out your partner acting so childish.

Oh gosh OP, this sounds awful, how have you got on today?

I'm not sure what the prospects are for you long term but I'd be considering my options.

It sounds as though you are both at fault. There is an issue with his children that you don't like, but he does. And you say it can't be resolved. I wonder what that means? That neither of you are prepared to compromise? Of course he is going to want to prioritise his children - is it the situation with the children or the fact that he (in your eyes) is prioritising them over you that is at the heart of your disagreement?

You both very obviously have a different way of airing your unhappiness - he becomes defensive and shuts down. You, by the sound of it, prefer to argue and confront and shout.

If you both can't or won't learn to meet in the middle then there's not much hope. And you both have to learn to communicate better.

This current 6 day silence - if I have understood correctly he tried to make overtures of small talk and you rejected this and shut him down and stopped speaking to him, and now he's not speaking either. So, to be frank, you sound as bad as each other. He probably hates your preferred approach of all-out row and you hate his retreating into silence.

One of you has to break this deadlock and initiate a discussion but if you can't do so with a good grace and use this as an opportunity to openly and honestly (and calmly) discuss a way forward then you might as well call it a day. Yes you resent him terribly. Perhaps he feels the same.