Is she lying

[lovenotwar]

My sons ex has been harassing my son since they split.She won't leave him alone.she started with come and get your stuff then Im in a bad place and I'm going to kill my self to standing outside his work for a hour.He didn't respond.Today she sent my daughter a message saying she had been to hospital and the crisis team thinks that he has emotionally abused her and he needs to speak to her to sort it out before it goes to the police.would this happen or is she just making it up. I would have thought if he was so bad they wouldn't let him near her .I have only been made aware of the situation today and will be taking my son to the police station in the morning to get some kind of restraining order.I understand why she is holding on to him as her family life is not good she does need psychiatric help.Does anyone have any advice

Does your son want to apply for a restraining order?

She's lying. I bet my life on it. Pure bullshit.

I'm not seeing what 'sorting out' can or should be done even if she is telling the truth (she's not) tbh. I very much doubt the crisis team would be advising her to get in touch with her emotional abuser, precisely the opposite in fact so I would assume it's yet another attempt at emotional manipulation on her part and either ignore or seek an order to prevent her contacting your son if he thinks it necessary.

She’s clearly finding it hard to move on. It’s very sad and she’s desperately trying to manufacture ways to speak with your son (probably).

Could he meet with her somewhere public and set clear boundaries with her.

I do feel sorry for her, is she quite young? Is her her first proper relationship? It’s bound to hurt.

I also feel for your son. Being harassed by an ex is so disruptive when he too is trying to move on.

I’m sure that with time this will blow over though.

Yes I'm taking him to the police in the morning.He can't even have his phone on she calls him constantly with withheld numbers.I didn't know how bad it had got until today.I did think god what has he been saying to her,but when I talked to him and he told me what had been happening I realised it was probably a desperate attempt to get his attention.
She wanted to come to see me to talk about it. I told her I'm happy she is getting help but she has to stop all contact or we will be going to the police ourselves.
They are both 20 he is worried she is going to do something stupid.I have seen this so many times on here that I have told him if she does it's down to her not you and she is trying to control you.

Op, she’s 20, has been dumped and is hurting. She hasn’t got a supportive family and feels ousted from yours now too.

Could you meet with her and set boundaries in a firm, but understanding way before going to the police. She will get over it, but it takes a bit of time. Your DS could change his number and continue to ignore. She’ll get the message. I think getting a restraining order is a severe punishment unless of course this has gone on for months and months.

My friend went through similar when we were in uni. She was out of character for a while and completely broken hearted. Her ex dumped her suddenly and his family who she loved acted like they didn’t even know her.
She did mend in the end though.

She’s the one who is the emotional abuser. Why on earth are people expressing sympathy for this woman? If it was a man would people be saying he’s hurting be supportive”? No they’d be saying to block and have them charged with harassment if need be.

Personally your DS should block her number. After telling her not to contact him again or he’ll be having her charged with harassment.

Thank you for the reply's it's so sad that she hasn't got any support at home and can see why she is so attached to my ds .She spent a lot of time at our house but only spoke to me or dh if she had too, never said hello/goodbye.We tried to involve her in family things but she didn't want to know.I am already working on changing his number. I guess I'm on protective mum mode so it's good to hear others thoughts.

@SummerGems

I’d feel equally sorry for a boy of 20. Granted it’s very different from a 30 year old doing the same. First love etc etc

If it went on more than a month or so, then I would consider threatening police involvement...but if it’s early days then yes I would be supportive. 20 is still so young and they are learning.

When i was 21 my first long term relationship ended. I was a mess, absolutely heartbroken. I would ring my ex constantly, text him and just cry. I was very lucky i had a supportive family and after a few weeks i started to feel better. The texting and ringing went on for about 2 weeks. I was very close to his family they were like a 2nd family to me and it literally felt like not only was i grieving for the person i had spent 4 years with but also his family. I think you need to give the girl time. Looking back it was a very dark time and i sympathise with the girl for having no support. You would be making things worse for her going to the police. He needs to completely cut contact along with yourselves and she will start to move on.

If you haven't already, is it worth sending a text from his phone asking her not to contact any of you again, and telling her if she does you will be going to the Police?

Obviously still go to the police as planned, but give her a warning shot tonight.

No twenty is an adult. They may be young but they’re entirely accountable for their behaviour.

While I might not go to the police and take out restraining orders and such, all this talk of suicide and going to the police about emotional abuse etc etc is out of order and she needs to learn that as much as the ds needs to realise that he shouldn’t be manipulated by this kind of behaviour.

And there’s a vast vast difference between being heartbroken and sending a few desperate texts and threatening suicide and the police and claiming they have the crisis team on board.

Do not meet this girl OP and do not advise your DS to meet her. The safest and kindest thing that you both can do is block/ignore her. If she continues to harass/stalk him, contact the police. It is sad that she has no family support but she is under the care of the crisis team. Any contact with either of you will give her false hope and encouragement.

Make the boundaries clear (no contact) and stick to them.

She is lying. I’ve acyually been stalked and in an abusive relationship, and ALL advice given is to NOT contact other party and to ignore all communications. I would go to police yourselves to at least get it logged. It could really help if she persists. Your son has nothing to worry about by reporting it.

And no organisation would recommend an abused person contact their abuser. She is lying about that.

She’s only just an adult and still learning. She is behaving badly...but possibly out of character due to the grief she is feeling.

Long term behaviour like this is unacceptable...but if this is early days in the breakup then I could see it for what it was - desperation- and forgive it.

I do agree with you that the Ds should block her number and change his. I think the family should set boundaries with the young lady and perhaps allow her a few weeks to pull herself together before going to the police.

Of course op, if this has been going on months already, it would be another story. I’m just assuming that they are fairly newly split up.

It's been a month he has blocked her but she uses other numbers or withheld 7 times in an hour she called today.My plan is to change his number I will get my dd to block her as she sent all the abuse and police story to her today. I have told if she contacts any of us again we will go to the police.I do understand and have been there myself many years ago,but I also need to protect my child she is making his life hell he is upset too.

Have you seen the Paladin website? Lots of good advice and information on stalking.

paladinservice.co.uk/

Advice for victims of stalking:

paladinservice.co.uk/advice-for-victims/

You're doing all the right things and your son is lucky to have you in his corner. I'd suggest to him that in future, he should avoid an unhealthy dynamic whereby he is "everything" to a clingy girlfriend to the extent that she won't even acknowledge his parents. None of this is his fault I hasten to add...it's just that this type of woman usually has the capacity to overreact and is best avoided.

This wouldn’t happen, he should not see her. She obviously has mental health issues but the separate problem here is that she is emotionally manipulating him. Collate all evidence electronic & otherwise, write all incidents down which have occurred in the last few weeks & go to the police.

The crisis team or any other health professional would never recommend a person to get in touch with an alleged abuser ‘to sort it out’ so this is a complete lie.

Please encourage your son not to feel guilty & that cutting contact completely is the kindest way in the long run for her, anything else will be misconstrued as false hope.
Good luck to the both of you x

A break up is horrendous and we’ve all been there. But there is no acceptable reason for her to be doing this.

As you’ve done OP, tell her not to contact him again and that you’ll go to the police. Regardless of if she does or doesn’t contact him again, take him to the police. They may pay her a visit and ask her to stop. In most cases this will do the trick. If but it’s all on record and they can help him.

As for him contacting her, no professional would ever tell an abused person to contact and discuss anything with the abuser, so she’s talking bollocks

Thanks for all the advice.I have checked with my son and she has not tried to contact him since yesterday .It looks like the threat of the police has worked.I have told him if she tries anything he must tell me at once and we will then go to the police.It was obviously a story she had made up to get his attention by contacting dd in hope she would panic and make him call, luckily she came straight to me.