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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

When someone doesn’t find you attractive

21 replies

Newyearnewname19 · 19/01/2019 10:24

How do you deal with this without feeling bad about yourself? Sensible me knows it’s daft but I can’t help but feel really bad about it.

We’re very close, he’s said before he loves me, he’s told me I’m his best friend, he wants to know all the details of my life, we talk all the time etc. And the thing is it feels like he DOES love me as a person as he’s so kind and sweet and eager to meet my needs etc. He’s been asking me questions like ‘what does my perfect relationship look like’ and asking about sexual history etc. We see each other often.

But - he’s just not attracted to me I don’t think. I think I can tell. I’m stuck in the friend zone and it hurts my self esteem as makes me worried it’s my looks.

Has anyone else been in this situation? Is there a solution?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 19/01/2019 10:39

Move on.

FickleFingers · 19/01/2019 11:07

You must know plenty of people that you consider nice personalities but without any physical attraction for you?
Nothing you can do sadly, just move on to someone who does find you attractive. They will be out there somewhere!

Tenpenny · 19/01/2019 11:10

If he wanted to be in a relationship with you , he would - simple as that. Defo time to move on.

Ruddygreattiger2016 · 19/01/2019 11:12

Why is he so interested in your sexual history??? Cheeky fecker, dump and move onFlowers

Miane · 19/01/2019 11:12

He’s been asking me questions like ‘what does my perfect relationship look like’ and asking about sexual history

He’s not entitled to ask about your sexual history. It’s none of his business.

Don’t waste any more of your time with this guy.

Bloomini · 19/01/2019 11:26

Ugh he sounds suffocating and nosey. Stop answering his questions, he's messing you around and you can surely do better!

Whothere · 19/01/2019 11:29

Don’t share anything too personal with him.

newye · 19/01/2019 11:45

Me and I had to move on . Nothing good can come out of it . If anything your self esteem and worth will be through the floor by the time you decide to . Easier said than done I know .

merville · 19/01/2019 12:00

Some of my friends are attracted to and happy with guys I would never have been with; at least one of my friend's partners had been tactless enough to indicate he would not be attracted to me ... I remember being taken aback when I was a teenager with s crush on Pete Sampras by another girl saying she thought he looked like a monkey and was not attractive. It never fails to amaze me (because I think when we're younger we have this black and white view re objective attractiveness) just how people I know fancy people (realtor celebrities) that I don't and vice versa. The world is an amazing re attraction and there was really is someone for everyone.

These are the things I think about now, as opposed to when I was younger abcvug would have hurt me and dented my self esteem if someone didn't fancy me (or fancy me enough for a relationship). Now; I'm just not their type. Not their cup of tea, just like many people (who are v attractive to other people) are not my type of cup of tea.

I don't know why he's asking the personal questions about relationships and sexual history ( I would have thought he was actually interested and shy but you think not and even shy people usually make a move somehow) .. maybe just nosey, curious, who knows.

Anyway, accept it and look elsewhere, don't let him waste any (more) of your time or emotion.

Oblomov19 · 19/01/2019 12:31

The sooner you realise that others aren't necessarily attracted to you, just as much as the fact that nit everyone is attractive to you, the better.

It's natural. It isn't an issue. Why are you making it one?

Tonightstheteriyakichicken · 19/01/2019 12:39

Sensible me knows it’s daft look, he is happy to keep you dancing attendance and enjoys the confidences you share but what do you get from this? I hope you haven't dropped your other friends for him.

Wasafatmum42 · 19/01/2019 14:46

some men can be silly they will fancy you and never tell you how they feel by asking you all these questions makes me think you both thinking of the same thing but either wants to say anything in case its the wrong move. This unfortunately needs to be addressed by someone or you are both going to be stuck in the friends zone , what have you got to loose ??? go for it

FriendZoneHelp · 19/01/2019 15:44

I've been in exactly this situation.

Good friends with a guy who over the last 18 months has told me he thinks I'm lovely, that I look fantastic, came right out and asked me if I was single (I was mid separation at the time and over the next few months kept asking how the separation was going)

Then we progressed to dating even though we never called it dating. So cinema, lunches, gym visits, skating, dinners. Spent a lot of time together. We get on so well, loads in common. It seemed more than friends to me, he'd text and say he was getting snacks for us both, etc for cinema trips. We'd hug and pecks on the cheek but nothing more......but there seemed (or I thought there was) chemistry and some flirting. We were meeting up 4-5 times a week.

So in the end I told him how I felt and asked what was going on. His exact words were "there's no attraction".

I was gutted. I'm questioning myself is it physical or a personality thing. Am I not slim enough, not blonde enough, not pretty enough, am I not funny enough, do I talk to much?

My head tells me I should not bother with a bloke who makes me question myself so much.

Then a few days ago he told a mutual friend that he was really sad that he'd lost me as a friend as things were now awkward between us. Said it wasn't often you find someone you have so much in common with, etc.

I've texted him and said I don't want to lose him as a friend and that if we can go back to that I won't read too much into our friendship and that I obviously misread the situation before. He texted back saying he wants to stay friends. Which is good, but does lead me to think it must be a lack of physical attraction. Which I can't really change I guess. But I'm quite heartbroken.

FriendZoneHelp · 19/01/2019 15:46

And a friend of mine does say it's just been a massive ego boost for him and that he's been using me after he split with his gf. He's just started online dating so is keen for a relationship......just not with me!

Closetbeanmuncher · 19/01/2019 18:16

I agree with FriendZoneHelp that hes using you as an ego boost.

I would just become a bit less available and let it pan put how it will.

Do you generally have issues with low self esteem?

NicoAndTheNiners · 19/01/2019 18:33

I do agree that it's important to remind yourself that you don't fancy everyone.

I have male colleagues and friends who are good looking and that I get on perfectly fine with. In fact I'm going out with a male friend this evening. I don't fancy him at all even though I enjoy spending time with him and I guess he's good looking. He just isn't my type. And I couldn't put my finger on why he isn't my type. He's online dating and has women falling over themselves to go out with him so there's nothing wrong with him. He just isn't my cup of tea. I would never feel that chemistry/ connection with him.

Newyearnewname19 · 20/01/2019 03:35

Great advice - thanks all.

I don't really have low self esteem as a rule, it's more that I find it hard to reconcile within myself.

I think I'm similar to friends though in that I really do get so much from the friendship it'll be hard to let it slide. But that it's really hard.

I think I'm someone who always slow-burns attraction and all of my exes have been people I've known well first then got to know really well then fell for. I find it hard to reconcile being that close without attraction.

But then I also know that everyone is different I suppose. I think some people look for a certain "spark" but I don't as much

OP posts:
PookieDo · 20/01/2019 09:40

I was in this situation. I got hurt badly.

We were very close friends in the same way. Intimate kind of friendship talking every day. He got drunk one night and told me he did really fancy me a lot. We kissed quite passionately.

Then after this kiss he started avoiding me a bit. I confronted him and he told me that he was drunk but I was sexy, he was ‘confused’. There were 2 further occasions where we stayed at a mutual friends house and he got into my bed of his own accord and we fell asleep hugging tightly.

At the same time a mutual female friend suddenly became single as her fiancée called off their wedding. I felt sorry for her as she was so devastated and invited her to stay with me for the weekend about 6 weeks after it happened. Male friend heard of this and asked for an invite, to which I agreed thinking it would be fun. It started off a fun weekend of us 3 drinking and messing about. We went to the pub and within 1 hour they were sitting holding hands across the table staring into each other’s eyes. We came home to my house and they spent the night together in my bed. I was so completely gutted.

It got so awkward and horrible for the next few weeks as they ‘fell in love’ and she told me he told her that I was ok looking but I wasn’t ‘the right type of woman for him and she was’. I asked him what this meant and he said I am a girl you fuck but not a girl you marry.

They got married and have kids now, I just drifted out of their life and it was a wake up call to me to never allow such a toxic situation to develop ever again

category12 · 20/01/2019 09:50

You really need to shove him back in his box when he asks you stuff about sex and relationships. Have some boundaries.

PookieDo · 20/01/2019 09:52

If you want my opinion on something like this you are a back up woman. While he waits for the better option to appear

Newyearnewname19 · 20/01/2019 10:17

pookie that’s horrible

I don’t want to be someone’s backup plan 🙁

It’s hard to know what to do but guess the choice is between accepting the friendship on these terms or leaving it behind.

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