Boyfriend is a widower; anniversary coming up soon

[ElizabethinherGermanGarden]

My boyfriend's wife died nearly ten years ago and the anniversary is coming up in a couple of months. He talks about his wife quite often in a conversational way and has talked to me about what it was like learning to cope as a bereaved dad to his (brilliant, lovely, now 17yo daughter).

I've never had a close bereavement and not have any of my friends, so I want to talk about how to best support and acknowledge this anniversary when I didn't know his wife.

He's not much of a talker about feelings except very occasionally and I don't want to ask him. He rates actions over words, so I want to do the right things. I really love him and his DD and I really like his SIL (who has lost both her parents, too, in the last couple of years and has no other living family). I don't want to intrude on what seems private to them but I also don't want to give the least impression that I don't care or don't want to acknowledge it.

Should I take myself off for the weekend to give them space? Should I be there at night to offer comfort and let them have the day to themselves? DB thinks quietly to himself and may already have a plan but he won't talk about it beforehand.

I take it this is the first anniversary you've been together for? You don't need to take yourself away...just don't make any plans for the weekend and follow his lead.

Hello,

That's a tough one. I think the only way is to sit him down and say to him.. look I know this anniversary is coming up and really want to support you. It can't be easy for you. Is there anything you would like us to do that day? (Visit grave etc) or would you rather you and DD spend time together? I know you don't open up much about these things but I just really need to know what you need right now.

It's too awkward having to guess what you think he needs, I think on this occasion he will have to open up a little bit so that you are both comfortable with the situation around the corner.

You sound like a great partner for him who can support him no matter what he needs. Wish you both every happiness x

What Sandy said is perfect.

I am in the position of your DB. I have a new DP
What happens on the anniversary is that I try to get through the day as best I can and DP is around me but in a non-pressuring way. We don't live together. DP comes for a meal. The rest of the time we are quietly together and DP is there to support me should I cry or cope well. There has never been a conversation about what to do or not do. I appreciate the quiet support.

Everyone is so different I. Dealing with these things that I think you have to ask him what he will be doing and if he’s like you to do anything.
If you don’t say anything there’s a real chance you’ll do the wrong thing. If you took yourself away for a weekend without saying anything he may think you’re ignoring the whole issue.

Just say “I know it’s the anniversary, I’m not sure what you’re doing that weekend, shall I be around or would you like to spend it with Dd and SIL?”

Thanks for the replies everyone - basically all on the same page. I wouldn't just bugger off without saying anything! LizzieSidall I like your suggestion for a straight forward way of broaching the subject, which doesn't sound too unlike the way I normally talk. StillMe1, thank you for sharing your experience. I was hoping that I would hear from someone on DB's side of the situation.

I've been reading the thread in chat about ways to speak/not to speak about grief and was mulling over what might be the hidden pitfalls. It doesn't sound, from replies here, that I'm too far off doing okay in the ways I've been acting/talking based on normal attempts to be a sensitive person. I'm just also aware that there are aspects of grief, even after a decade, that might be surprising and that it is easy to hurt and be clumsy by accident.

The easiest way of broaching it might be to ask if he knows how his daughter is feeling about it coming up, or whether he has plans with her or whatever.
Have you been together through previous years of the anniversary of her death, or her birthday/their wedding anniversary? Personally I’m not at 10 years since my first husband died yet but I can’t imagine it feeling much different to marking that horrible anniversary every year.

My experience (remarried 2 years ago) is that being open and talking about all the grief stuff has been so important. And being freely able to talk to DH2 about DH1, and for my kids too. DH2 has a lot of emotional intelligence and somehow manages not to be threatened by us talking about DH1, and is close to BIL. You sound similar TBH and your boyfriend is lucky to have found you.

And actually I don’t think it’s that easy to speak clumsily and hurt someone by accident. I think I wrote on that thread that the worst thing is people who no longer ever mention DH1 at all, or who look uncomfortable and change the subject if they hear me mention him. As long as people’s intentions aren’t to say something awful then it’s welcome to talk about it.
One time we were amidst a slightly tipsy relaxed conversation about our wedding plans, and I mentioned DH1’s attitude to what I’d wanted him to wear. DH2 went “well from the photos I’ve seen that handsome bastard looked good in everything” then looked absolutely appalled with himself. I found it really funny!

*Somerville" That's hilarious! My late H's nickname when he was in the Army was "Gasmask" - because he was the only man in regiment who looked better wearing one!

I think the best thing for you to do, OP, is to be very open and honest with him and ask him if he'd like you to step away for a few days, or distract him. Also recognise that his needs as a father may result in him spending "anniversary day" with his kids but then spending the evening with you.

Certainly for me the anniversary of my late H's death was a day to NOT have a normal routine. As ,much as I hated him (we split about a year before he died and he made things very difficut) I have observed the anniversary with DS.

I'm in your situation OP and there are occasions like anniversary of wedding and their death, birthdays etc. We talk about it openly and I follow his lead. We don't live together but I tell him I'm here for him if he needs him but other than that I will leave it until I hear from him. He is always at home on these occasions with his DC's but there have been times where he's come over and he's been fine.

I always support him to do what's best for him and his DC's and am guided by him.

I would ask dp and dd whether there was anything they wanted to do, go to a special place etc, and you really understand if they want it to be a private affair. Take cues from their replies.