How do I help him

[somethingshiny]

My partner of almost 3 years is on a downward spiral. He is in complete self destruct mode. He hit his lowest point last night after drinking then left the house after calling me a bunch of horrible names and drove. I kept phoning him and he would answer then stopped and the phone kept ringing to voicemail. I reached out to his best friend who also tried to get in contact with him and in the end I phoned 101 as I was worried he would have killed an innocent person or himself.

I would like to stress he is not an alcoholic, he has a very responsible job (good job) and only has a drink on a Friday night when we're round at my parents. I did notice he drank a bit more than his usual Friday night but I put it down to a hard week. He had a full bottle of red wine and a fruit cider. He would normally have a couple glasses of wine tops.

The police were in contact to say that they hadn't seen the car. He phoned me to say he was alive and safe but wouldn't tell me where he was. I informed the police of this after the phone call and they said they would continue to look for the car.

He text me this morning saying he is at rock bottom, he doesn't care about anything anymore and doesn't know what is wrong with him or what to do. He knows I reached out to his friend and the police and he accepts that and knows he rightfully should probably be in the cells just now.

He has changed from the man I met 3 years ago - more short tempered, less spontaneous, less romantic and had just generally made me feel a bit rubbish that I'm boring and just generally not good enough for him. He also never apologises for anything - ever. He said that in his text this morning that he knows he is as fault, knows how horrible he was but still just has "no urge to apologise."

I'm at a loss what to do - I want to help him but I have no idea where to start. Can anyone help or give me some advice? From what I've googled he has made the first positive step by admitting something is wrong and his actions were wrong.

I'm assuming a gp appointment would be the first call and even just showing them the text he sent me would help in someway.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated

I'm sorry you are finding yourself in this position.

I would firstly explore with him what part of his life is causing him so much stress. And the gp can offer advice and counselling. I hope that it is something that sometime and support can put right.

I'm sorry to say my ex did the same. His life was in chaos. Drinking. Staying out and not nice to be around. He felt I was the problem. So left last year. I don't know if he is happier now. But as much as I wanted to help him I was making the situation worse.

OP - with kindness, you can't rescue him. He knows he has problems, so needs to seek help for himself. You can't be with him while he's like this - your own mental health will plummet.

Thank you for your reply @eve34

I could pinpoint it more if he was drinking more throughout the week or out all the time but this was a complete explosion that I never thought he would do. He rarely goes out unless we go out together...I'm the same. He has a good group of friends but they only manage to meet up maybe once every few months due to all their work schedules. The do keep in contact and speak most days. When I spoke to his friend last night he was completely in shock at the names he called me and the fact he had even got behind the wheel of his car.

I'm fully prepared that this might be the end of the relationship, in all honesty I don't want it to be but I understand and will respect his decision if he can't be in a relationship just now.

@QueenOfTheCroneAge

This is what I think I know deep down. I just feel as if I would be abandoning him in his time of need.

Has he come home today? Hope he will let you help him and support him to get back on his feet

Thank you @eve34

He came home about half an hour ago. He doesn't look good. He came in very sheepish and very quiet, I asked if he was ok and he nodded. He asked if I minded if he went to bed for a bit and I said I didn't. I just went up to check on him there and he seems in a pretty deep sleep.

I'm just at a loss as what to do.

He sounds quite severely depressed and, possibly on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown. I saw my mother in the same state.

Other than just by being there, you can't help him, he needs professional intervention, and as soon as possible by the sound of it. He is ill.

Thank you @lumpsofitroundtheback I'll phone the doctors first thing on Monday and encourage him to go to the first appointment available

somethingshiny - I think the motivation to do this needs to come from him, or at least be initiated/asked for by him, and not you.

@AFistfulofDolores1 you're right. We've still not properly spoken he's very closed down. I don't know whether to absolutely let rip at him with how stupid he's been or to wait for him to make the first move and talk. I've got an appointment and leaving in 15 minutes and won't be back for a couple of hours, I don't know what to do. I literally feel numb

Maybe you have an idea of what he's feeling, somethingshiny - helplessness and numbness. Maybe start talking to him about your feelings in the face of what he's dealing with - not to hijack and make it about you, but to share something personal and frightening, which can often be an ice-breaker and inroad into someone sharing something back.

I have private messaged you.

Thank you everyone.