What does the hive think of this dating scenario? Bail or one last throw of dice?

[usernamefromhell]

Please be gentle if this is blindingly obvious to you. But been "dating" someone I met online since just before New Year. Quote marks because in that time we've only actually had one date. Which was nice but quite brief and formal, lunchtime, 45 minute job. The interaction has been 90% text/WhatsApp and we have a really good rapport online, fantastic back and forth, tons and tons of daily messages, quite flirtatious but some not, same sense of humour, shared values etc. There was chemistry when we met as well. He has told me repeatedly he likes me and finds me attractive.

I'm slightly frustrated at the pace this is moving: I've dropped broad but light-hearted hints that I want to go on a "proper" date but he hasn't really bitten. For context I work full time in a very stressful job and have a DD and no help at all with childcare from anyone -- basically if I want to go out I have to use paid childcare so arranging dates is a logistical hassle and needs proper planning.

The other night he sent me a string of very amorous messages and suggested another lunch time date (we work within walking distance of each other). I replied in a way that made it clear in a fairly gentle but direct way that I wanted a "proper" date and not just snatched time during work hours. He was slightly abrupt in his response but has gone fairly cold since then, much more limited interaction and there's a slightly aloof edge to things.

Reading this back to myself it seems pretty clear that he's either withdrawing due to cold feet/preparing to ghost me, or that I have pissed him off in some way which I haven't realised and is sulking. It has also crossed my mind to wonder whether he's in a cohabiting relationship with someone which is why he's loathe to make arrangements to go on a "proper" date. He has a DD and I know he's not still with her mum but of course he could well be with someone else.

Question is, I guess, is this a total dead duck? I'm a big believer that chasing someone who appears lukewarm is almost never a good idea so inclined to just let it drift, but want a sanity check, I guess - wondering if there's any value in sending one lasts "cards on the table" message to clarify so I know where I stand?

Hi OP. I think you are right. Quite possibly he has a partner or even if he does not it shouldn’t be this much hard work. He should be chasing you for a date! I’d just message him to make it clear you are going to start dating other people because you want to meet someone to spend proper evenings out with. I’d keep the message fairly brief and move on.

I think it’s time to let this one go. He’s had enough time to arrange a proper evening date and for whatever reason he’s not done so. You don’t need to chase him.

I’d sack it off to be honest, you sound nice, and he sounds like too much hard work/possibly seeing someone else too.
Sorry to be blunt, but does feel like you’re wasting your time/energy on him. If he was interested, he’d be making more of an effort to arrange something.

I don’t see the point in that. What a waste of time texting hundreds of times a day. If by ‘proper date’ you mean go out one evening, is that what you have said? Eg, why don’t we go out next Wednesday evening? If so and he’s not interested, I wouldn’t bother with a 45 minute lunch. It sounds like he is not available for whatever reason.

He’s married and therefore not available for a proper date. He wants a lunchtime shag.

The mere suggestion of any sulking would make me leave it

I absolutely could not be with a man that sulks esp not in a passive aggressive way when I don’t even know what I’ve done to upset him
Straightforward honest and no games is an absolute must especially when dating later in life when kids are involved etc

So I’d leave it OP
And not let it drift on and die slowly, just tell him you feel it isn’t right for you and delete his number. Why use anymore of your time

And congratulate yourself on your radar working btw

You sound like a pretty direct person with a busy life, so I’m guessing that letting it drift would feel annoying - no harm in a direct ‘cards on the table’ message to bring closure. Because it does sound like this has gone off the boil for whatever reason. Sorry OP

I think you are thinking correctly that's he's probably in a relationship with someone else. Tell him you can meet one night during this week and see what he says.

Thanks everyone: this is disappointing but very much what my gut is telling me so good to hear reinforcement from the wise.
There's another thread running on here about blokes who spend tons of time messaging women and are reluctant to actually meet - I think he may be one of those.

I'd bail. He's married/partnered, seeing others, or not that arsed about a proper dating scenario - just likes the ego trip of your endless messaging.

Depends

Do you want a texting pen pal?

Because you've got one.

I understand the first meeting being a coffee or a lunch as that sort of makes sense. But the next should ideally be an evening drink or food or whatever shouldn't it?

I'd also be mindful of building up all this online rapport and banter etc in the future. It's not real - just a time filler. And you've discovered it's not real because he's not putting himself out to meet up with you but he's perfectly happy to build up some texts bants

A few red flags, why only lunchtime dates? When you suggested an evening date why did he not give an explanation if he can’t make an evening in a sensible grown up way, and lastly why the sulks? I’d get rid and stop talking to him - can’t stand sulkers.

BatShaped no I don't want a texting pen pal: I'm very aware of the addictive nature of the flirtatious WhatsApp message: its a real buzz but ultimately its empty calories and after a while it leaves you feel empty and used.
Thanks all, you've made my mind up.

cupofcoffee I haven't explicitly mentioned an evening date in so many words but I said I wanted to spend some proper time with him when he didn't have to rush back for an afternoon conference call and I think the implication is clear enough.

Please leave it completely andmove on. I am a firm believer in when it is 'right' it is easy. I know there are exceptions of course, but in general, it shouldn't have to be that hard or complicated already. Someone should be jumping at the chance to date you properly.

I would also urge you to not even text him anything at all. Just leave contact and never reply again, no matter what he sends. You owe him nothing and he is likely aroused by how he is 'in control' as it is.

As you have said he is sulking and cold over you saying no to his lunch date, imagine how pathetic his response will be If you send him any explanation or 'ending' he may likely get arsey or at least send you a reply that will make you regret ever texting and being reasonable and kind. Please don't be a play thing, and 'joining in' is all fuckers like these want and get off on. I have experienced this situation and this person isn't interested in genuine connections. You owe him no explanation of 'this isnt working' - in fact, its been ONE date, despite your many texts you are complete strangers and you have every right to just leave it. Uninvest yourself, distract yourself and move on. You sound like a good person and also like you know all of this already deep down. Trust your gut and accept no bullshit, there are genuine men out there!

I'd also add don't hint, just speak plainly. If you want an evening date ask for one. Then you'll be clear about where you stand

Are you on all his social media? Facebook etc?

Most likely he's already in a relationship. Or possibly a timewaster that enjoys the fishing but isn't eager to land one.

I'd saunter away.

LongWalk No. Or at least we're not friends on anything. Possible he may have cyber-stalked me.

He’s not serious about meeting you. As you said, it’s all empty calories. Next!! X

Yeah, he's not making himself available so I'd leave it there. (I also suspect he's already partnered.)

Probably just wanted a nice, neat lunchtime affair before going home to his wife and child every evening.

Block.

He's not single.

I like your description of "empty calories"!

I don't think it's definite that he's got a partner squirrelled away somewhere, but I DO think that what he's gunning for is responsibility-free sex.
After all, if it's hard for you to go out, he could be reasoning that you could invite him over for an evening...

Although, if it were me in your situation, I would be suggesting an actual thing he could say yes or no to. EG. I'm wanting to go to x event, or I fancy trying y restaurant. I'm going to organise for a babysitter, do you want to come with me?
And then I'd make my decision depending on his answer.

He doesn't sound single to me. I've had one like this, they love the what's app chat as a distraction and ego boost but will make little to no effort for proper dates, unless it happens to be convenient to him.

Definitely move on, you sound lovely.