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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Why can’t my parents be happy for me in this way?

28 replies

whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 20:56

I’m single and early 30s. Worked hard since school and struggled into a well paid job, made lots of sacrifices and ticked all the boxes of a house and stability. I have some very manageable debt on a credit card.

Here’s the deal. This year I decided to book some trips. Feeling quite low and wanting to make the most of having worked all through my twenties. I’ve told my parents and all they’ve done is criticise the prices of things (they asked) and say that it’s not the best idea that I go. To be fair, I have asked them now and again to help with money...I’m taking help when the boiler broke and they chipped in 50 quid. Maybe once a year they’ve done something like this. I’ve never depended on them month to month though.

They’ve been on so many holidays and have a LOT of travel experience, but at my age they had done very little. My sibling says my dad gets almost jealous hearing about trips she and her hubby have been on (they are very well off).

I feel a bit flat and like the wind has been taken out of my sails a little. Do you think it’s becase I’ve called on them before to help out in a crisis that they have this attitude? They’ve been like it all my life and they were the main reason I never did anything ‘fun’ and spent all my savings on education - granted it got me a good job but even now I feel they don’t want to support me doing anything like this.

Bit of a moan! Anyone had this?!

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 18/01/2019 21:21

It sounds like they have issues about money and possibly disapprove of having fun. I’d accept that’s how they are, and ignore them. You do nt need their approval, go on holiday and enjoy your life

Aprilshowersarecomingsoon · 18/01/2019 21:23

No need to bring anything back for them then!!
Misery guts!!

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 21:23

It’s made me feel hugely guilty about it...it took me a lot to actually do it too, I’m completely work focused usually and I think it’s come from this background. It’s made it all feel awkward!

OP posts:
beansontoastfortea · 18/01/2019 21:38

Nah forget about what they think op

You've worked hard, you've completed more than most of us 30 yr olds ;) you deserve to go and enjoy yourself... forget about the money it's worth it to you and really doesn't matter what your DP think... if they're jealous over dsis holidays then probably jealous over yours too

SuperSuperSuper · 18/01/2019 21:41

Please don't feel guilty! Live your life, your way. Just because you're single, doesn't mean you're still their little kid. Create some emotional distance, swerve discussions about money.

Joboy · 18/01/2019 21:45

Dont ask your parents for any more money .
Clear your credit card debt.
Then go on holiday when csn afford too at the moment you can't.

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 21:50

Fair point joboy

If I waited until that point I’d never get round to it though!

OP posts:
cheminotte · 18/01/2019 21:51

It can’t be that ‘manageable’ then!

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 21:57

It’s manageable as it’s interest free for 3 years, at which point it will be paid off!

3 years seems to be forever to wait for a holiday though Grin

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/01/2019 21:58

If you’ve got a well paid job, it makes no sense that your parents paid £50 for your boiler and give you similar amounts each year?!

If you’re well paid, surely you don’t need £50 and if not, surely £50 won’t be too much help if you’re talking a couple of grand for a boiler?!

Your post is a bit odd.

HollowTalk · 18/01/2019 22:01

I think you need to never ask them for money and to never disclose what something cost you. It's nothing to do with them if you're not in debt to them.

Holidayshopping · 18/01/2019 22:01

It sounds like they are thinking that you have debts and aren’t financially independent and they think these trips are unnecessary.

What have you booked to do?

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 22:10

They helped out with the 50 quid as a contribution. I needed about 1k at the time.

I think they may well think I have debts but I am financially independent bar the occasional 50 quid they’ve helped out with here and there.

I think that’s pretty normal though when something goes wrong, you don’t always immediately have 2k upfront? Maybe I’m wrong.

Either way, my point was that if I waited to pay off all debts then it would be years before I could consider a holiday. And I’m historically very frugal, and yes I’m in a well paid job. Things can be tough though!

OP posts:
Holidayshopping · 18/01/2019 22:18

If I didn’t have £1000 readily available, I probably wouldn’t have £950 though!

How much are the trips you have booked?

TheBigBangRocks · 18/01/2019 22:22

As a parent I would rather my child wasn't in debt, didn't need my money and had some savings. I would think them irresponsible to be taking holidays whist they had debt and no savings so wouldn't be thrilled either.

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 22:34

Yeah I see your point. I had the 1k, they just chipped in with 50 to help I guess.

thebigbang I do get that. I think it’s just hard to get to a point of having lots of savings these days, and I speak as someone who has religiously saved in order to buy my own home when I was 25. So I do get it. I think now I just feel like it’s never ending and if I wait until debt is gone that’s another 3 years, where does it end? Got to enjoy life at some point, no? And the debt came from furnishing the house so not some random silly buy.

OP posts:
expatmigrant · 18/01/2019 22:39

Absolutely do not feel guilty. You work hard and you deserve it. You have a completely manageable debt so don't give it a second thought. Heck my DD is a high earner and I still give her the odd £50 pounds here and there or just buy something for her because I want to treat her.
From what your DB says it sounds like they are jealous. My PIL were like that when we first started going overseas for our hols in our early twenties because they were 50s before they stated travelling overseas.
They're are being completely selfish and very unreasonable.

Original poster
whataboutthisone11 · 18/01/2019 22:44

expat I often feel like there’s so much judgment about this sort of stuff these days. I have always worked hard and I’m not frivolous with money - can’t remember the last time I bought clothes full price for example - yet because I’m in debt from buying a bed and essentials for a home, it’s as if I can’t ever do anything nice with my money!

God help people who earn less than the average uk wage. I think it’s unfair of older generations to cast judgment when they would have saved all of what I saved for my house because they didn’t even need a deposit!!

OP posts:
Closetbeanmuncher · 18/01/2019 22:53

Don't ask them for money again and dont take any money that is offered by them in the future.

Enjoy your travels Smile

expatmigrant · 18/01/2019 23:25

When DH and I were your age we would often buy big ticket items on interest free credit. Why wouldn't you? It's a no brainer. It frees up extra cash for those much needed holidays. I have to say when it comes to clothes I still love a good sale bargain.
Enjoy your travels 😊

Haffiana · 19/01/2019 00:07

Just go. It doesn't really matter WHY they have said what they have said - it may just be that they have forgotten what it is like to be young, it may just be that they are worried for you.

The truth is that one of the greatest things that makes people different are their utterly different attitudes to money.

However, what does need examining at some point is why you feel you need their approval or their agreement. Or rather, why you feel that they won't really love you unless you do things their way. You need to find a way to step back inside about that - they won't change but you can.

category12 · 19/01/2019 00:40

I think you should probably separate the two things.

It sounds like your parents have a tendency to rain on your parade. They may not be bad parents generally, but they have a habit of deflating you.

You need to think about not telling them things until they're a fait accompli and work on being self-confident enough not to let them shake you.

You're an adult, you're at a point in your life you can do this, if you want to do it, do it.

tubspreciousthings · 19/01/2019 01:10

Another vote for not taking more money off them, if they're going to criticise. Also not discussing money in too much detail.

I agree that if your payments are manageable and you can afford a few trips you should definitely do it. You need things to look forward to.

When I was single I used to love to take off to different cities on cheap airlines - it's much cheaper (& easier!) than when you have children!

Have a great time

Aquamarine1029 · 19/01/2019 01:52

Stop taking ANY money from them and stop stalling them about everything you're doing. Problem solved.

HoppingPavlova · 19/01/2019 02:47

Don’t discuss money issues with them in future and don’t ask for or take any money from them. I would be absolutely unimpressed if my kids needed help with money on a yearly basis then took themselves off on hols. I would think holidays would be appropriate when they had a little put away for emergencies. So if the month after they came back from hols their car suddenly needed a major unanticipated repair they would have the money put aside and would not have to ask me while they still had their suntan!