Am I doing the right thing? I want him but have asked him for space.

[Diggorydoo]

Hi all,

I'm struggling this evening and would love some support or advice.

I'm with my husband 8 years, and we have 2 small kids. The past year has been really tough, and it really kicked off when I miscarried last 15 months ago with a much planned for final baby. When I suggested trying again, he freaked out. It's like he was/is going through some kind of mid life crisis, he said he felt lost, he didn't know what he was doing in life, what his purpose is etc. We were very disconnected at the time - we were really busy with 2 kids, me working and him working 2 jobs (he's involved in the family business and will take it over in the coming years) and it was survival mode. We were not spending quality time together, both stressed, I was also very resentful feeling as I was carrying most of the load, and communication was pretty shit. (I know, why another baby??! It's off the cards now anyway!!).

We started marriage counselling, and he was quite resentful of me as I had said a lot of hurtful things to him in the previous year or two (trying to spur him into action as he tends to just shut down). And as I nagged him more and more over the years, I feel like I've broken him. Our counsellor said that we didn't really have any issues, just needed to learn to communicate and treat each other better, connect etc. There was no addiction, no abuse, nobody else threatening the relationship. But he couldn't put his heart into it. It's as if once the crisis began, he just retreated into himself (dare I say wallowed?). He was definitely depressed. He didn't know what he wanted, to stay or go, he fantasised about moving out and getting some personal space, but also wanted to be part of the family. Ie, still popping in and out. I put my foot down and he was hurt by that. He is for sure a bit immature for his 39 years... how did he think that would work? I might also add that he has very low self esteem, low confidence, his childhood wasn't the worst, but they didn't get much encouragement, love, affection etc and this has affected him. And certainly his other siblings too, to varying degrees. He struggles to open up now. The worst part is I know in the early days of our relationship I found him to be really open and transparent and honest, it's like I killed that part of him? I feel guilty as though I have anyway.

Essentially he couldn't really put his heart and soul into counselling, he couldn't commit to change, he just felt lost. And he said he had no motivation and couldn't really see any really happy future for himself. He still says this. He went on anti depressants about 7 months ago, they helped his mood hugely. But he still doesn't want to deal with his issues. We stopped marriage counselling as he believed he was being "blamed" for stuff, in reality I suppose the counsellor was challenging him to commit to the relationship and put his heart and soul into it. And he was (and is) so passive.

This has pretty much continued like this since. He went to his own counsellor a few times, but didn't find it helpful. Most likely because I'd imagine he didn't even bring up his real problems and issues. He still says he can't really "feel", and he has no motivation. Though he's still working, he doesn't have the same passion and drive.

He really is a good and kind man, and while he did detach from the kids for a while, I can see him trying with them and their relationship has been better than it has been in a long time. My heart breaks for him as he is so lost. But I'm also very angry that he won't TRY to work with me. Sometimes I wonder if he just wants out, but he says no. A few days ago I asked him to move out for a bit to give us both some space. My reasoning is that I just want him to really see what's at stake here. Our lovely little family. I can't go on living in limbo forever, I'm only 39. I'm in a relationship with no intimacy, and I'm carrying the entire load. Doesn't he have some responsibility to at least try and sort this out. Or else we go to fucking pot. But I'm terrified he won't even have the drive to do that. Am I being cruel? Are there any other options? I just can't spend another year like this last one, I know we all deserve better, and I also think my capability to hold everything together is a crutch for him, maybe he doesn't need to try cos he knows I'll keep the ship afloat. I think I'm fucking depressed myself at this stage. I could go on and on and on, but I'll leave it at that.

Reading back, it's clear that he's doing anything and everything to avoid facing up to his problems and dealing with them, and we're all suffering as a result. I'm 100% sure there is no other woman in case anyone suggests that. He has just left an hour ago to go stay in his parents house closeby for a couple of days. How do I navigate this? Any advice would be hugely welcome, and apologies for the long post.

I also think my capability to hold everything together is a crutch for him, maybe he doesn't need to try cos he knows I'll keep the ship afloat.

I think this is the crux. He's able to have a period of depressed navel gazing because you're there to pick up the pieces.

What do you think would happen if you texted him tonight and said "I can't cope with this anymore so I'm staying at a hotel for the next 3 days. Take care of the kids"?

Thanks for responding :)

He would actually be OK with that. Mostly because his parents are close by and his mother would jump in to help and support. I'm not sure I mentioned it while rambling along in the original post, but I'm the one who pushed him to get anti depressants and into individual counselling, he was a very reluctant participant, probably also why it didn't work. Also, depressingly, he doesn't go out much, but when he does go out with his mates he really enjoys the escapism of it. Probably cos he's getting to avoid all of his problems at home. But that of course hurts my feelings.

How do I play the next week, should I be cold and aloof? Or be hopeful and encouraging with him? I will still see him quite a bit cos of the kids. We left on very good terms this evening, but I don't know what I should be saying, how much "direction" I should give him. Such as, you can't come back until you're sorted, or you can't come back until you can commit (100%) to get sorted, you need to book us into counselling and you need to get your own therapist too. I'm actually quite laid back by nature, but this situation has turned me into a control freak cos I can't trust him to do stuff. He doesn't follow through.

I'm so afraid he won't fight for us. But I suppose at least I'll know then. I really do love him, even though I equally feel so angry and let down by him.

If he is very depressed then its professional help and care he needs. Not all councellors are the same and he should try again. If he is in a bad place then he may be feeling quite nihilistic and just see you asking him to leave as part of the inevitible collapse of his life.

Did he receive any support following your miscarriage? How did he grieve?

To be honest I don't think grief over losing the baby was the problem, more that I think he realised the additional stress and pressure another kid would add to the mix and he couldn't handle it. Without meaning to sound cold, we're both pretty practical and are able to say that we're very lucky to have the 2 healthy children that we do have. I don't think this is a grief thing.

Our marriage counsellor and both of my individual counsellors have both said that this isn't typical depression, there's something else with it. Something else going on, like a mid life crisis. And all 3 of them did say that the current situation could continue indefinitely if I didn't put a timeline on it, and stick to it. I have been saying so many times over the past year that I can't live like this, I need a partner, I need some emotional support, I need some intimacy etc etc so this is me now actually issuing a consequence as I'm not sure up to now he has believed that I wouldn't continue to struggle on while he (un)happily wallowed in his self fulfilling prophesy.