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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Nerves causing date to act odd & miserable. He needs to chill!

11 replies

1stdatejiggyness · 18/01/2019 15:44

I've been exclusively dating someone I met on Bumble for a month now. Problem is, he behaves differently, depending on the type of communication or, time of day, or location. For example, when texting, he is such a sweetheart. Funny etc. Daytime talking on the phone on work breaks, he's lovely and polite. However, when face to face, he comes across blunt, miserable and a bit angry. We spoke about it and I put it down to nerves. He often tells me he gets nervous before we meet. We speak for hours on the phone and I can't get enough of him.
I can't help but feel disappointed after meeting up because I looked forward to seeing him so much. he ends up being slightly offensive somehow or says random things, just for the sake of saying it.

I think spending more time together would help but we both have children so we don't see each other alot..... A couple of evenings once or, twice a week. I hope his face-to-face social skills improve or he learns to relax. He returns to normal after we've DTD tooBlush but we can't just be doing that to calm his nerves each time! I used to be an awkward person when shy and say silly things, so I'm hoping this is purely what is happening here. Flipping hard work trying to smile through his moments of ignorance though. Anyone else met someone who is so nervous they seem to say all the wrong things but have a hear of gold?

OP posts:
PolkaDoting · 18/01/2019 15:47

Well yes, but a month is plenty of time for him to have calmed down. At some point you may have to accept that how he is fact to fact is his actual personality.

Whothere · 18/01/2019 15:56

I think you’re being very generous to pass this off as nerves. If he’s blunt, miserable and angry when you meet, that’s what he is.

BlokeHereInPeace · 18/01/2019 16:27

Sounds like a bit of a knob, frankly.

Equalityumber · 19/01/2019 10:36

When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

category12 · 19/01/2019 10:43

It's really easy to be nice by text and mirror someone to make them think you share values.

At work, he may have an audience so he's on best behaviour.

The chances are, he can't do it in person cos it's not who he is: he is the moody bastard and the other sides are the act.

category12 · 19/01/2019 10:55

Also, why are you jumping into to bed with someone who is blunt, miserable and angry when you're together. What's attractive about that? Why are you letting your fantasy version of him, the one constructed out of texting and phonecalls, outweigh the grumpy lump you're presented with in reality?

category12 · 19/01/2019 11:00

You're setting the behaviour bar very low. It's you doing all the emotional work and accepting crappy behaviour - bodes really badly for the future.

Apileofballyhoo · 19/01/2019 11:01

The texting and phone calls aren't the real him, OP. At best he has mental health problems that cause him to be unbearably stressed when meeting his girlfriend, at worst that's his actual personality and the texts and calls are an act of sorts. Either way I'd do a runner.

Orchiddingme · 19/01/2019 11:03

It's much easier to be nice by text!

He is who he is. I don't think it's nerves, he's just a grumpy/unpleasant person.

This isn't working, unless you want a text boyfriend and not one in real life.

AFistfulofDolores1 · 19/01/2019 11:39

The man you're meeting face-to-face is the 'real' man. This is what he is like when he's faced with intimacy.

BlancheM · 19/01/2019 11:48

He's an arse. He's putting on his best behaviour via other means of communication because it's easy to do so. He's showing you the real him when you spend time with him IRL

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