I’m too scared to do anything, a wasted life

[Anxioussally12a]

I’m 34 and incredibly anxious about travelling...I want to settle down and have worked hard to buy a home and progress professionally. Problem is, I haven’t met the right man and now I’m feeling like everything I have is a waste. I don’t do anything exciting, I don’t go anywhere, the most I push my boundaries is trying a new place for lunch with friends!

I guess I’ve always wanted to have the quiet life of marriage and before kids I could travel safely with my husband and it would feel secure and exciting. Does this even make sense?!

Now I’ve wound up alone, I’m desperate to do something out of my comfort zone but too scared to actually do it. I booked flights to Beijing and now I am on the brink of cancelling.

I just feel lost. And like I booked the trip as a distraction from being single, from what I really want, which is a marriage. I’m scared of leaving the house for 2 weeks, scared of losing my job (irrational!) by going away and scared of missing a chance to meet someone on my home turf. Stupid isn’t it.

How can I change this :(

Having been through something similar, my best advice to you is make sure you are on that flight! I booked my first holiday alone last minute, then sat frozen in my living room for 48, ended flying with just washed wet clothes. (took my way over baggage weight).

I stayed in touch with friends over the net which stopped me from feeling lonely and out of my depth while in the middle east.

That was 7 years ago, now I l prefer to travel alone, its so freeing.
Hopefully you can take something from my experiences that will help you.

The fear beforehand is always worse that then reality of the experience. Good luck to you, don't cancel the ticket, you will regret it.

dear thanks for replying. I hate that I am like this, I really want to see some of the world but then start to worry that I will never meet the one and something horrible could happen etc etc etc all quite irrational I realise. I called up to cancel, then changed my mind and just posted here. I feel so stressed about it al.

Do you have a plan for your trip? Things you want to see? Do?

I love having a plan!

Yeah I have a plan as I join a group on arrival!

I just feel a bit like I’m doing it second best...deep down I jkst want a hubby to come home to and plan trips with!

Go, go go! I remember my first trip alone to India. I was on the plane about to land in Delhi thinking what ON EARTH have I done!!??

Met a group out there like you will do in China and honestly had the BEST time, absolutely no regrets, infact I have done 6 more trips with them in the last 10 years

You will get such a confidence boost and feel so good about yourself afterwards, you won't look back. Good luck x

I feel like it’s sort of saying ok, I’m never going to meet someone now. And giving in? Is that absurd

Oh and linked to the wanting a hubby question. I can honestly say the confidence boost may just help you there too. I wasnt confident in myself at all before travelling (okay, so there were other factors too!) but travelling gave me an awful lot of confidence and it will you too, to go out there and meet that special person. I am engaged to be married in October, a few years ago I thought I would never be able to say that x

I did lots of solo international travel before finally meeting dh in a field in the middle of nowhere in the uk when I was older than you! You're doing the opposite of wasting time, you've given yourself a great opportunity. If you can, just start looking forward to the trip. Like pps have said it'll help you grow in confidence. Go, travel, stop obsessing about a man who you haven't met yet and go and have a fabulous time.(and think of all the great travel stories you'll have for your first dates!)

Definitely go! Even the super confident types will be feeling a bit nervous about such a trip - tis normal!

Maybe you will meet him there? You've got to open yourself up to new opportunities. You're not going to meet someone sat at home.

Could you see if there are any courses on managing anxiety that you coudl go on - try GP or local mental health charity.

Don't cancel it, to deal with the anticipatory anxiety just think bit by bit when you get to stuff and you'll be okay. :)

It’s mostly that I’m worrying about health..this always happens when my mind wanders. Then I will worry that I am risking everything I want by going to a country where I could come back unwell. And so the list continues! But what I’ve realised is that in having this approach I’ve not done anything much and on top of that never did meet someone!

My advice would be to not avoid, push yourself and do it. I realise this is easier said than done and have just completed 6 months of CBT myself for severe anxiety.
I have a friend approaching 40 who is terrified of life and therefore hasn't lived. I looked at her and saw myself heading down the same road and that terrified me more than the things I was avoiding.
It's never easy but the more you do things and prove your fears wrong, the more you will want to do. Highly recommend CBT if your anxiety is not manageable yourself.

Did anything set you off worrying about health? With me it was a parent dying very suddenly and I had CBT to deal with it. I was constantly (still do sometimes) something called 'body scanning'. I think when life pulls the rug from under you it can make you a bit too vigilant.

I can really sympathise with how you're feeling. I actually travelled alone a lot before I met my husband (ironically when I was at home and HE was travelling to England), and I had similar worries to you every single time. I would have to force myself to pack, force myself to leave the house, force myself to get on the plane. I remember my friends being so impressed that I spent four months travelling alone in South America - but honestly the only reason I went through with it was that I was too embarrassed to cancel and let everyone know I was afraid!

Despite the fear, I enjoyed every single minute of being away, from literally the moment I stepped off the plane. I have actually spent a lot of time in China - I loved Beijing and the West especially. I know this doesn't really help, but I feel so confident that you won't regret going!

Now that I am married, I look back on those trips with so much joy. I am so proud of younger me. I really hope you go!

Remember the old saying, life begins outside your comfort zone! Bloody go, you’ll regret it.

One of my best friends met her DH on a trip abroad, so you could kill two birds with one stone.

There are some really good guided group holidays around.

If you’re worried about catching things then stick to Europe. There’s loads to see.

You seem to be linking two completely unrelated things in your head, travelling and marriage, in ways which are unhelpful for your MH. Can you try to unpick your logic in linking the two things? Would it help to see them as entirely separate?

For a start there's no guarantee at all that the man you fall for will have any interest in extensive travel, and certainly travel to anywhere far-flung or remote can get more expensive and complicated, if not impossible, once you have children. In which case it makes sense to get in a lot of travelling now, while you only have yourself to consult -- if it's something you love.

(And of course, as others have pointed out, why might you not meet someone on your travels, especially if you are meeting groups? Are you doing such a huge amount of dating at home that you really feel a two-week trip to China is going to really impact on your chances of of a longterm relationship?)

Also, think about why travel with your putative husband would be 'safe' and 'secure' -- what scenario are you imagining? Why would it be safe? I've travelled a fair bit alone and with my husband, and some of the more hair-raising bits (talking our way out of a kidnap attempt in Yemen, overturning a jeep in a wadi in Oman, taxi accident on a mountain road in southern India) all happened when we were together.

What kind of illness are you worrying about happening on your travels?

In fact -- do you actually want to travel at all, really? It's OK not to want to, you know. It tends to be one of the things people throw about to people who are single and childfree ('Oh, aren't you so lucky? You can fly off to Borneo at the drop of a hat!' etc etc) which frequently makes people feel that if they aren't married with children, they're supposed to be globetrotting CEOs who are continually hobnobbing with headhunters or walking the Hindu Kush, or admit failure.

There is a reason you chose that particular destination. Trust your gut! The best things in life come out of the blue and you can never plan for them. Let things 'flow' and reap the rewards.
What a great adventure!

I just want a hubby to come home to
Make peace with yourself, make yourself happy, get yourself to Beijing, live a bit of life with some interesting tales to tell and maybe it'll all fall into place. And if it doesn't, you'll have had a blast anyway, it's win win. Don't make the conditions of your happiness reliant on a white knight.

Beijing is amazing, the food is incredible; just make sure everything is freshly cooked and NO SALADS. Doesn’t matter how many stars a place has (only 5 place gave me food poisoning in Beijing)

That’s the biggest health risk really.

I have a DH and prefer to travel solo as we can never get our schedules to align properly and I love being alone, feel as if I grow as a person.

You will have a fantastic time ! You will meet new people, see new places, new food, new smells, new culture. Take lots of photos, Facebook, Instagram, WhatsApp. If you are happy, enjoying life, you may meet someone when you are so busy enjoying yourself !