I don't no how to go

[sadalone]

Il try and keep this short... me & H have been together 8 years (married for 5) 2 children (6/3)
And for 8 years he's been controlling, wants to no who I'm txting (it's always my mum I have no friends anymore since we got together) he has hit me a few times always says he wasnt meant to I was in the way he was meant to his the door... he's going through a bad spell at work and he comes hone taking it out on me with little digs he doesn't like the fact I work as he sees a man should work and a wife should be at home 'kept' he doesn't like the fact I'm actually doing really well in my job and starting to earn decent money! Basically I can't carry on I hate my life I fear my children will grow up like him I need to go I want to go but for some reason I'm still here I'm petrified to go he will try and poison my kids minds with horrible mummy... if I asked him to leave he wouldn't we have a joint mortgage. I'm pathetic. I'm sorry this is long I just didn't no where else to turn.

You are not pathetic; he is by controlling you as he has done and is still doing. The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

Womens Aid on 0808 2000 247 are worth contacting and can help you leave. You are married to this man and thus also have rights in law. I would also look into seeking legal advice re divorce asap. The Rights of Women organisation are also worth calling too.

He is also doing your children much emotional harm by them seeing you as their mother being abused. Fear of him amongst many other reasons keeps women with their abuser but you can and should escape him. It will do your children far more harm going forward seeing you being abused by their dad than if you actually were to leave this man. They are also learning about relationships here from you. He will undoubtedly make the whole process of you separating from him as long and painful as possible but no obstacle is ultimately insurmountable.

Yep - Womens Aid as soon as you can.
They will help you with an exit plan.
Do you have any family you could go to?

Well done on keeping your independence.
So many women don't.
Could you reach out to friends again?
They may want to help you.
Unfortunately you ignored a shit tonne of red flags here but you know now and you now need to take action.

Yes, your DC with either turn out like your DH, i.e. abusive or like you, i.e. a victim.
What would you advise if one of your DC was with a man like your DH?
This is what will happen if you don't stop this cycle of abuse.

You are nearly there.
You've taken the first step by posting here.
Now make it real and tell your mum about it.
Would she be sympathetic?
Or will she expect you to put up and shut up?
I'd have my DD out of there so fast if she was in your situation.

I do have family yes but they only live a few minutes walk away and I feel like this is to close as he would be around all the time kicking off... my mum knows everything. She's been begging for me to leave him for years.. I wish I was as strong as her... I used to be now I don't even no who I am anymore. I don't want to bring my children up in this environment they adore their dad and I have a massive guilt that I will be breaking up the family and everything will be my fault!

Please get out now. For your kids sake as well as your own.
If your kids see or hear the violence it will affect them.

My mum was in a very abusive relationship when I was 11 until I was 13. I heard and saw things that have scarred me for life and I suffer crippling anxiety as a result of this.

He won't change, it will just get worse. You are NOT pathetic.

It sounds like he hates that you work because you are not totally financially dependant on him.