Small lies in early dating phase a red flag?

[Usernamealreadyexists]

Hypothetical question - if someone lies about small stuff, is that a red flag or do you tolerate it until you establish where the relationship is going? As an example, someone says they can’t meet at a particular time as they need to be somewhere else but turns out they were not there (this is after a conversation about the importance of honesty, even small things).

V v early days with someone from OLD. Happy to chuck him at this stage as I think he’s prone to this.

I wouldn't say a blanket yes it's a red flag. I mean, if it's very very early days, as you say, I might not be quite ready to be open about totally everything.

In your example he said he would be X and he wasn't. How do you know that he wasn't there, or got there late, or maybe the arrangement was to meet a friend at X and friend texted to say "actually, can we meet at Y instead?"

Similarly, in very very early days, if I had, say a hospital appointment that afternoon I might prefer to tell you I was going to the cinema. I may not feel quite ready to be that open with you.

It CAN be a red flag, but I'd not take it as automatically a BIG red run away now flag.

I don't think you can tell just by that one incidence of lying.

I've been known to lie about my whereabouts, simply because I didn't want to disclose what I was really doing - smear test - as I didn't feel comfortable sharing that information with a virtual stranger.

My intention was not to deceive the other person in a malicious way and to me that is what matters.

You are right to be cautious though.

We don’t owe anybody the contents of our heads and detailed information on our whereabouts - particularly not in a very new relationship. I often turn down invitations I don’t want to accept by saying I have plans or will be elsewhere, and I fully expect other people do the same to me. It doesn’t even fall under the heading of “lying” to me.

And honestly: I think it’s more of a red flag to be so obsessed with “honesty” in every tiny matter. I’d find it suffocating, controlling and needy to have to tell a partner exactly what I was doing and where I’d be all the time and not feel able to skip out of something simply because I didn’t fancy doing it for fear of a row over “lying”.

That situation, no, I don't think is a big deal, without knowing the circumstances. Perhaps they were planning to go to that place, but something came up. Perhaps they were there, but later, or earlier, or whoever you have stalking them (which is weird, maybe?) didn't see the and got it wrong. Maybe they had a really hard day and didn't want to dump it all on you, so just made up an excuse to go home and go to bed.

I think it's only worrying if it's part of a larger pattern. Or lying about something big. My dad lied to my mum for the first year of their relationship about his age (they weren't significantly different in age, the lie he told wouldn't have mattered to anyone if he had just been honest). But it was a sign that he was in fact a bit of a controlling gaslighting jerk.

Pathological liar......

Run like the wind!

Someone lying about anything is a red flag, you've already had the convo with him and he has continued to lie to you, why on earth are you still there.

It's not about not having to tell someone our complete whereabouts, it is about being truthful and honest, some right weird replies tbh.

Undoubtedly a red flag... lying is a huge no no for me x

Depends on why he is doing it. Does he feel he needs to lie to justify whey he won't meet up. If so the problem may well be with the other person.

If it's one lie and it's early days I'd be cautious but not necessarily chuck. Multiple little lies that you're catching him in definitely run

Some people lie easily and don't see it as an issue if it's a 'white' lie, like an excuse why they can't go somewhere for example. This is an indication of always looking for the easiest way out.

You don't have to lie, just a simple 'I can't make it' is enough, no justification needed. Compulsive liars, or those who lie easily I'd keep away from. It's a habit at best, untrustworthy at worst.

Wish i'd chucked the loser who told me he had a suspected brain tumour in response to finding out my mum died of brain cancer! was a lie, amongst many other massive lies, goodbye 6 years of my life.

I had a bf who lied about his age at the beginning. He turned out to be a major pathological liar. I wouldn't do it again after that. Honesty is so important.

Have you confronted him and said "So I thought you said you we're going to the [band name] gig with your mate last Friday, but I just read it was cancelled. What were you up to?"

A good friend of mine is married to a man who tells "little" lies all the time. It seems to be a habit from childhood. One of his parents was absent, the other an alcoholic. Apparently this is a common thing in children of alcoholics.

Him: What's the time?
Her: The clock is right there, why are you asking me?
Him: I can't see it, you're blocking my view
Her: No I clearly am not
Him: Your hair is in the way
Her: No, it is not. You can see the clock
Him: Well I thought it might have stopped
Her: Why would you think that?
Him: I looked at it the other day and it was about 2 minutes behind my phone
Her: So why didn't you wind it up and adjust the time?

I once agreed to update his CV for him (used to work in recruitment.) Every question I asked him or point I wanted to clarify, his answer was vague and I had to keep asking for clarification. She has the patience of a saint, I honestly don't know how she puts up with him. (Well I do - she opened the relationship about 10 years ago so she gets a lot of her needs met by other people.)

I agree with @ShatnersWig. It's certainly not an amazingly good sign but not a bad sign for definite either. Would depend on the context really.

I usually agree with NotTheFordType but on this occasion I don't see how her point is relevant. But in any case no I wouldn't tolerate lying at any stage, if it's there at the start it will be there at the end.
I get you don't want to share every part of your life with someone in the vv early stages so I would expect n 'I have plans' to suffice. Not sure how you can compare not disclosing going for a smear test to I'm going to a gig lol.
If he's lying about things you don't have to lie about then yes I would cut my losses now.

If you think he's prone to it, definitely bin. Liars have you second guessing yourself, and it's already started.

In this particular instance I wouldn't worry too much but would definitely keep an eye on it. My ex DP would often tell small, stupid lies and I would say to him if I can't trust you with the little things how can I trust you with the big stuff?

He's my ex because he ended up cheating on me.

Lied to you after conversation about importance of honesty??? This is NOT a good match.

Red flag. I've no time for dishonesty. If they lie about little things that don't matter then it suggests issues. Why couldn't he tell the truth? What's he hiding? Second guessing at such an early stage isn't good at all and will only get worse. Next!

Lying about pointless little things all the time = red flag. Dump.

If you've never told a lie in your life it's a red flag. If you have, well...

If someone lies about small stuff, is that a red flag or do you tolerate it until you establish where the relationship is going?

Why would you stick with someone whose behaviour or habits you don't like? It isn't going to magically disappear or change when you commit further. You take the information you have about the person and if you're not liking what you're seeing, you don't keep going.

Thank you all - really helpful reading different points of view. I’m out of a 20 year marriage and this is all new. My instinct is that small lies could be an indication of someone who is willing to hide big stuff. I have no issue if he can’t meet. He just needs to say he can’t. Simple. I don’t need to know why.

Have you ever told a white lie to get out of an appointment? If you haven't you're positively godly and should promptly acsend 😁 I wouldn't take it too seriously, its early days.