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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husbands other child

25 replies

onedaytomorrow · 17/01/2019 17:28

Hi I have just joined as I am struggling at the moment.

Me and my husband have been together 10 years and married 5 and have a son who is 4.I am disabled and need a lot of support from my husband which I adore him for but understand it can be hard at times. 3 years ago my husband left me as he said he was struggling to care for me and do everything, it was taking a toll on his mental health. It turned out 6 months after he left he had actually started an affair and left me for her and she was now pregnant. The baby was conceived when we weren't together. He told the ow to have an abortion he didn't want it but she didn't and now he has a daughter.

He saw his daughter for the first few months but him and the ow argued all the time and he was deciding at that time to come back home to me and his son. He then decided to stop having any contact with his daughter as it was causing to much agro.

Fast forward 2 years and he told me he wants to be in his daughters life, I support him with this decision but I hate the fact he will have to deal with the ow for this to happen. Does anyone have any advice or been through anything similar. How am I meant to deal with having her back in his life? I can cope with being around the little girl but my anxiety levels are through the roof!

OP posts:

Feckers2018 · 17/01/2019 17:34

You are being selfish as he has been. The little girl should not have been messed around like this.

NicoleNoPants · 17/01/2019 17:51

His daughter was too much agro! Bet her mother is glad he’s back with you!

kidsneedfathers · 17/01/2019 17:56

Feckers a bit of consideration for OP. Listen oneday of you go to counselling or online there is plenty of advice on how to handle such situations.It is like divorce cases. The best is that you and your husband agree on how he picks up the child. He does not need to go the mum's house or longer there. He can pick it up by the door,bring her to your house or take her to some nice place for kids for quality time. You who suffers a lot find a place in your heart for this little innocent child. Both of you are equally victims of fate/life. So empower each other through love. Easier said than done: I know. But i sure you will find in ypu the power to do it.🌹 Good Luck

BumbleBeee69 · 17/01/2019 18:02

I understand OP, arguing parents is not a good environment for a child.

It's great that he has decided to try again, so I can only suggest you support him, and encourage his Contacts.

avocadoincident · 17/01/2019 18:05

I think you are incredibly brave having another go at things despite this relationship and child.

I haven't got any advice other than to communicate communicate communicate like mad so that everyone stays on the same page.

How is your son about it all?

GloomyMonday · 17/01/2019 18:07

So he had an affair, left you with a baby, lied about his reasons for leaving in a very cruel way, fathered a child with ow, tried to pressure her into an abortion and didn't see the child properly for over two years?

I know it's not what you're asking about but why on earth did you take this absolute shitbag back?

Presumably he came back because life with ow was about to get a lot less fun.

I shouldn't worry about him coming into contact with ow, I expect she wouldn't touch him with a barge pole now.

RhubarbaraWindsor · 17/01/2019 18:11

The best is that you and your husband agree on how he picks up the child. He does not need to go the mum's house or longer there. He can pick it up by the door,bring her to your house or take her to some nice place for kids for quality time Not going to happen. He hasn't been in the child's life for two years, he's a complete stranger, so can't expect unsupervised access for quite some time. And you referring to the little girl as "it" is appalling .

Adora10 · 17/01/2019 18:14

He then decided to stop having any contact with his daughter as it was causing to much agro.

He sounds awful you don't sound much better OP, you took him back so effectively you either accept this child or end it, I feel sorry for the kid, you both sound so selfish.

AgentJohnson · 17/01/2019 18:28

Well isn’t he the prize. How do you cope? By accepting that if he’s to have a healthy relationship with his child then it will have to include the child’s mother. You can’t control the relationship he has with his child to satisfy your anxiety. However, If you really can not cope, than you might have to rethink your relationship.

Affairs are the gift that keeps on giving.

PositiveVibez · 17/01/2019 18:35

He sounds like a pig. I am sorry for what he has done to you. The other woman and his poor child.

I could never be with anyone who turned their back on their child with no other reason than he was arguing with their mum.

What a coward.

Did you cope okay when he left you and had an affair?

BitchQueen90 · 17/01/2019 18:36

Your husband is disgusting for abandoning his child. Why on earth would you want to be with such a vile man?

I hope the OW tells him to fuck off. He doesn't deserve to be in his daughter's life.

SongforSal · 17/01/2019 18:46

Abandoning a child is a deal breaker for me. That poor child deserves a better Dad. If you want to support him, then well done. Don't let him toss his responsibility aside next time.

Isth · 17/01/2019 19:07

What a scumbag your darling husband is. Why do you want him? I hope OW tells him to leave them alone, how awful to have messed his innocent daughter around so.

Itstimetoscream · 17/01/2019 19:21

If you can't get past these feelings then you need to rethink if your marriage is really worth it. Are you back with him because you need extra support?

whiteroseredrose · 17/01/2019 19:27

The DH giving up because of too much aggro could mean anything. If the OW made a huge fuss, refused to let him see the DC etc. He may have decided that it was in the child's best interests if he bowed out.

Anyway OP. The OW exists and has your partner's child. Whether he wants to see her or not he should pay maintenance. If he wants a relationship with his child then there must be contact with the mother. Those can't be changed. All you can do is decide whether you can deal with all this or if you'd be happier moving on.

Original poster

onedaytomorrow · 17/01/2019 20:33

I always encouraged him to reach out to see his daughter but he was adamant after all the grief and threats the ow made it was easier to cut her off. I agree he made a stupid mistake and he will pay for it dearly. He has always paid maintenance every month.
I do love him but I need help with daily things and unfortunately I don't have a lot of support from anywhere else so I guess that factored into taking him back. My son knows he has a sister he just thinks she lives far away (100 miles from us)
I just keep thinking that he if she hasn't got pregnant then he would still be with her and he only came back home as he had no where else to go and had racked up some debt. God the more I type this the more stupid I feel. I just want to know what is going on and not have any lies. They've only emailed so far and it hasn't been that pleasant.
I hope I can get through the next few months and see what happens, I'm hoping I can get over my anxiety and just get on with supporting my husband get to know his daughter.

OP posts:

MadeForThis · 17/01/2019 21:04

He sounds awful. He has left 2 kids and 2 women when life got a bit uncomfortable for him. He sounds so selfish and nasty.

Who can walk away from a baby, let alone two?

I know you need help with everyday tasks but surely there's a solution that doesn't involve having to stay with him??

How can you be sure that he isn't going to up and leave at any time?

I don't blame the OW for being angry with him. You should be too.

SandyY2K · 17/01/2019 23:49

So it was too much and affecting his MH... what's changed?

He still looks after you and it sounds like you need him... what stops him saying it's too much and going off again?

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 18/01/2019 06:16

Leaving aside the fact that your husband is a scumbag who decided not to see his daughter when things got a bit tough (how would you feel if he decided it was "too much aggro" to see your son?) you deserve more support with your day to day life so you don't have to factor that in when deciding whether to stay with him or not. Can you apply for a care worker or ask for a grant to make adaptations to your home so you can be more independent?

GloomyMonday · 18/01/2019 06:34

"I just keep thinking that he if she hasn't got pregnant then he would still be with her and he only came back home as he had no where else to go."

Unfortunately, this is what it reads like. And I think it will be hard for you to make peace with that fact and trust him not to do it again. Is life really better with this awful man than it would be alone? He now knows you will forgive him anything because you need the practical help he can offer. If I were you I'd be planning a life without him on your own terms, rather than waiting for him to leave again.

ravenmum · 18/01/2019 07:02

Well, you and OW have something in common; you've both been treated like shit by your husband. Both deserted with a baby, abandoned for another woman who was less bother for him. I'm not saying the two of you should bond over it, but perhaps you could try to see her, ironically, as the one person who understands what you've been through, rather than your enemy.

You need to work on becoming less dependent on him.

Boysandbuses · 18/01/2019 07:06

You haven't taken him back because you live him. But because you need support. I totally understand that. But if that leads to this girl being without a father and you arent in live with him, that's causing so much damage.

He is a massive tool. He left for another woman and cut his child out of his life because it was too much trouble.

Now he wants to sort that out, you don't want him too. At the end of the day, you took him back knowing all the facts. It's going to be hard, but you have to suck it up.
Get counselling if needed.

She is your husbands child and your son's half sister.

swingofthings · 18/01/2019 07:19

What made him decide to suddenly want to he a part of her life? Does he fully realise the implication of doing so? If he thought it was agrro then, he is in for a shock.

It is unlikely the ex will welcome him back in her life and that of child, so he can expect to have to go to court to gain access. Court will probably grant supervised sessions to start with ans that's likely to be for a few hours to start with. Is he prepared to travel 200 miles return for a few hours seeing her when it's unlikt that to start with, his daughter gives him any attention. Is he prepared to battle his ex fighting every part of him getting back into her life. Does he even know if there could be another man in her life the little girl now calls daddy.

Looking after someone disabled is very hard work, but he showed to strrugle to so mentally. Then he struggled to care for the child he conceived because again it was too much for him. He really doesn't come across as someone who has the mental strength to go through the above, most likely to make a big fuss about his right to see his daughter for him to run away when it all gets once again too much for him.

safetyfreak · 18/01/2019 08:40

OP there is support available if you need help with daily living. Have you ever seen an social worker or had a care assessment? You can refer yourself for one.

I think putting all you trust in your husband to stick around is unwise consider the history.

LIZS · 18/01/2019 08:52

Did he see your ds during your time apart or was that "too much agro"? Have you thought about counselling, maybe your relationship cannot survive his infidelity. I can't help thinking that he is saying each of the wronged women are causing him the grief, having upped and left each for the other, and he is deflecting his responsibility for the situation. He has to finance and parent both children. The little girl is a tangible reminder to you of the ow, but he cannot have contact with one without the other.

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