Got to go to a work event where abusive ex may be

[User20288]

Six months ago I ended a very abusive relationship which only seems all the more abusive now I look back on it.

I change my route in town to avoid seeing this man. I despise him and any thoughts of him being back awful memories that I have tried hard (and mostly with success) to bury.

Tonight I have to go to an event that is very close to where he is likely to be for work. I feel sick. He may well even be at the event which is making me so anxious.

Friends have told me I need to face this and remember this is my life too and I don’t need to hide. I know this deep down but I am absolutely dreading even catching a glimpse of him.

He brought so much horror to my life and I lost a few people in my life from my experience with him, acquianitances maninly that could have become friends and he took them ‘on side’ and has probably fed them all sorts of shit about me. I’m also dreading seeing any of them with him. I know I will feel sad about this because I often think of it and feel down, seeing them would be awful. I just walked away and never said my piece.

Anyone who has been in this position it would be nice to hear any tips on how to handle all this

Anyone...

I left a very abusive 15 year marriage 2 years ago. I would go and have done. That doesn't mean it's easy.

We have 2 kids so have to see him on occassion as well.

Only you know if you are ready to do this.

Oh gosh.

Personally, I'd come up with a few plans to cover the three scenarios:

You spot him at a distance but he doesn't see you. Honestly, I'd either leave or try to subtext stay out of his line of sight.

You see him & he sees you. I would tell someone I was with that you would like them to stay with you as support due to a difficult ex.

He sees you and comes over to speak to you without notice. I would very clearly ask people to stay with me and tell him, clearly that there was nothing more to say.

I really feel for you - this is shit.

After tonight please think about counselling or freedom programme. Burying your feelings isn't healthy & will bite you on the arse eventually.

Have you had any counselling OP? You need to stop giving this "man" power over you. It's not healthy to bury your memories - you need to work through them and regain control and power over them. It sounds like you have PTSD or c-PTSD which is not uncommon in survivors of abuse.

As for tonight, is there anyone trusted you can tell who would be able to come and intervene if he approached you, and would stay with you at all times to make sure you're okay? If there isn't, honestly the way you feel right now I'd just make up an excuse of a sudden attack of D&V, so sorry (and possibly take tomorrow off work if you're due in.) I'm no fan of lying about these things but if nobody at work is aware of the situation then for RIGHT NOW just protect yourself.

But get help because if you're in the same industry this will happen again. And if you have the same friend circle it will happen again. Even if you move to the other side of the world, you can't escape the memories.

Can you take a friend with you for moral support?

Do you have to go? I think I'd pull a sickie, especially as it seems very close to your brake up and it's possible that you may bump into him. Now, obviously you can't avoid places forever, but it does get easier as more time passes. It's just a bit too soon I'd say.

Sorry, just realised it is a work event. Does anyone at work know about the relationship and why it ended? Could you confide in someone?

Else, go, show your face to people that need to see it (management) then just melt off into the night... say you've got stomach ache or something.

Ok. So far. He works near by. Why would he be attending the event? Is it a public one? Or do you both work in a similar field? Logically- what's the reason, except geographical location you feel he could attend? Get a cab right to the front entrance- then you're not walking and feeling nervous. Are
You attending this event with anyone? Are they aware of the situation? Can they be a point man for you if he does appear? Or at least someone you can rely on? And lastly. You left. You are stronger than you're giving yourself credit for. He is a nasty little manipulative shit who would love nothing more than to see he still has power over you. Even if he emotionally does- don't give the fecker the satisfaction of knowing it. Face on, stand tall and know you can do this xx

I assume the event has happened now but if not, then attend and if you see him, cross to the far side of the room. Ignore him. If he approaches you, walk away. If he tries to talk to you, don't be rude but don't make conversation. Say you're working and walk away. Just refuse to engage, don't get pulled in to anything, and keep your head high.

Thanks all.

I went and didn’t see him. Probably irrational thought.

These posts have made me question things though. I thought burying stuff was the way to handle it. I have come on a long way in the last 6 months. I’m just horrified that I stil have this deep sadness about what he did to me. No physical abuse expect pushing, all emotional. MASSES of silent treatment.

The thing I am most sad about, is that he will have told people I used to work with all sorts of stuff to make him look good. None of them know the truth. It makes me feel sick. I was too broken at the time to stand up for myself and tell people the truth.

Get some counselling, I honestly think you sound like you’d benefit from it. You need to get him out of your head.

"No physical abuse except pushing".

So it WAS physically abusive then.
Please do think about getting some counselling with a professional with experience in DV issues.

I'm glad you went last night & more glad that you didn't see him

He could be so nice that was the problem. It made me think I made him like that. In face he used to say that.

What bothers me now mostly us all the shit he’s undoubtedly told his colleagues and friends. Hate him for that and wish I hadn’t kept quiet.

One time he was hurting me during sex (just the position, not intentionally), so I sort of moved away a little to re position, then it would hurt again so I moved again...he suddenly pulled out and went into a massive mood, the next morning mocking me about crying after sex. I had been so shocked at his reaction I had burst into tears.

He could be so nice that was the problem. It made me think I made him like that. In face he used to say that.

That's how abuse works. I agree with other posters, I think counselling could help you. But also, 6 months is not that long to get past a major thing like abuse, so be kind to yourself. You did go, and it was okay - that seems a good step to me.

He’d spend hours ignoring me and at night I would beg him to just talk and I would ask if he was going to continue being like this the next day. He’d say ‘let’s wait and see’

Feel sick I stayed. What was wrong with me

He was abusive to you in all sorts of ways. I'm not surprised you're still upset about it, six months later.

Counselling might be just what you need.

And try not to worry about what he's told people about you. Most people will see through his lies and won't believe a word he says, and the few who do believe you were never your friends anyway.

I hope you feel better soon.